I think instead of retirement, I'm just gonna start investing in a list of cool ways to die so i can choose the best one when I'm ready.

"Put the vodka sauce directly in my bean hole. Ba-da-bing".

The NFL wants you hopelessy addicted to gambling. Nothings more fun than gathering around with the family and friends to watch my favorite parlays hit.

Elon got a body like he's one of those LeBron squishes that people pump full of water.

Help out that young entrepreneur selling lemonade on the curb by taking a minute out of your day and reporting them to the authorities for operating an un-licensed business. Little shit needs to learn a lesson.

Silly little recession music is about to come back in a BIG way

Watch the Chicago Bears or be stretched over a Catherine wheel, nailed to a cross, and burned alive?

‘Holy Shit, The Government Owes Me 50 Million Dollars,’ Reports Man Incorrectly Filling Out His Taxes

Netflix about to drop 50 million for the rights to stream Jake Paul VS, Elderly father trying to use tap to pay.

*Bleeding out. Call 911? You mean talk on the phone? Sir, I haven't had enough time to rehearse what sexy and mysterious quality I want my voice to have yet.

As a plus sized man. Eating a can of Chunky soup feels like sucking on a hot bowl of slurs.

Surprise your friend by bringing up that embarrassing time they most certainly thought you forgot about.

Grown men who order milk at restaurants put your hands up 🤚

#scrubdaddy #holidaygiftideas