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· 22h
Last week I bought an alarm clock made out of potatoes.
It's okay, but it's driving me mad now as the alarm keeps getting me up potato clock.
It's okay, but it's driving me mad now as the alarm keeps getting me up potato clock.
January 13, 2026 at 3:31 AM
Last week I bought an alarm clock made out of potatoes.
It's okay, but it's driving me mad now as the alarm keeps getting me up potato clock.
It's okay, but it's driving me mad now as the alarm keeps getting me up potato clock.
January 13, 2026 at 3:04 AM
My Disney Princess name is
Taco Belle
Taco Belle
January 13, 2026 at 2:31 AM
My Disney Princess name is
Taco Belle
Taco Belle
Daffynitions: Bigamist (N):
A huge fog in Italy.
A huge fog in Italy.
January 13, 2026 at 1:31 AM
Daffynitions: Bigamist (N):
A huge fog in Italy.
A huge fog in Italy.
My mother used to beat me as a child with a camera.
I keep having flashbacks, and now I suffer from bipolaroid disorder!
I keep having flashbacks, and now I suffer from bipolaroid disorder!
January 13, 2026 at 12:31 AM
My mother used to beat me as a child with a camera.
I keep having flashbacks, and now I suffer from bipolaroid disorder!
I keep having flashbacks, and now I suffer from bipolaroid disorder!
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: 'What's her name?'
My friend replied: 'Melanie Noelle.'
Her coworker: 'How do you spell it, then?'
Her coworker asked: 'What's her name?'
My friend replied: 'Melanie Noelle.'
Her coworker: 'How do you spell it, then?'
January 12, 2026 at 11:31 PM
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: 'What's her name?'
My friend replied: 'Melanie Noelle.'
Her coworker: 'How do you spell it, then?'
Her coworker asked: 'What's her name?'
My friend replied: 'Melanie Noelle.'
Her coworker: 'How do you spell it, then?'
My old dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him. Eventually, I folded.
January 12, 2026 at 10:31 PM
My old dad really wanted me to make paper planes with him. Eventually, I folded.
I want to open an occult-themed vegan restaurant and call it
HAIL SEITAN.
HAIL SEITAN.
January 12, 2026 at 9:31 PM
I want to open an occult-themed vegan restaurant and call it
HAIL SEITAN.
HAIL SEITAN.
Elmer complained, 'I've found a button in my salad.'
The waiter replied, 'That's all right, sir, it's part of the dressing.'
The waiter replied, 'That's all right, sir, it's part of the dressing.'
January 12, 2026 at 8:31 PM
Elmer complained, 'I've found a button in my salad.'
The waiter replied, 'That's all right, sir, it's part of the dressing.'
The waiter replied, 'That's all right, sir, it's part of the dressing.'
Do you know what elves rely on during political campaigns? Propagandalf.
January 12, 2026 at 7:31 PM
Do you know what elves rely on during political campaigns? Propagandalf.
Three weeks ago, I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I've heard nothing since.
I've heard nothing since.
January 12, 2026 at 6:31 PM
Three weeks ago, I sent my hearing aids in for repair.
I've heard nothing since.
I've heard nothing since.
Elmer and Mabel, both hard of hearing, are on a road trip:
They get pulled over by a cop who asks, “WHERE ARE YOU FROM?”
Elmer tells the cop, who says, 'Damn, I hate that place. The worst sex I ever had was there.'
Mabel: 'WHAT DID HE SAY?'
Elmer: 'HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.'
They get pulled over by a cop who asks, “WHERE ARE YOU FROM?”
Elmer tells the cop, who says, 'Damn, I hate that place. The worst sex I ever had was there.'
Mabel: 'WHAT DID HE SAY?'
Elmer: 'HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.'
January 12, 2026 at 5:31 PM
Elmer and Mabel, both hard of hearing, are on a road trip:
They get pulled over by a cop who asks, “WHERE ARE YOU FROM?”
Elmer tells the cop, who says, 'Damn, I hate that place. The worst sex I ever had was there.'
Mabel: 'WHAT DID HE SAY?'
Elmer: 'HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.'
They get pulled over by a cop who asks, “WHERE ARE YOU FROM?”
Elmer tells the cop, who says, 'Damn, I hate that place. The worst sex I ever had was there.'
Mabel: 'WHAT DID HE SAY?'
Elmer: 'HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.'
I went to the drugstore for Imodium, but the shelf was empty. The clerk said there had been a run on it...
January 12, 2026 at 4:31 PM
I went to the drugstore for Imodium, but the shelf was empty. The clerk said there had been a run on it...
What's the best thing about being forgetful? You can hide your own Easter eggs.
January 12, 2026 at 3:31 PM
What's the best thing about being forgetful? You can hide your own Easter eggs.
You know, my hen counts her own eggs... she's a mathemachicken.
January 12, 2026 at 2:31 PM
You know, my hen counts her own eggs... she's a mathemachicken.
Why can't you breed an eel with an eagle?
It's eeleagle.
It's eeleagle.
January 12, 2026 at 1:31 PM
Why can't you breed an eel with an eagle?
It's eeleagle.
It's eeleagle.
What type of music does cheese like best?
R & Brie
R & Brie
January 12, 2026 at 12:31 PM
What type of music does cheese like best?
R & Brie
R & Brie
My ex-wife divorced me because I was bad at directions.
Said I didn't notice when we both went south.
Said I didn't notice when we both went south.
January 12, 2026 at 11:31 AM
My ex-wife divorced me because I was bad at directions.
Said I didn't notice when we both went south.
Said I didn't notice when we both went south.
If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
Maybe it'll help jog your memory.
Maybe it'll help jog your memory.
January 12, 2026 at 10:31 AM
If you have trouble remembering your password, find a picture of some running shoes and stare at it.
Maybe it'll help jog your memory.
Maybe it'll help jog your memory.
Some guy stopped me in the street and asked, 'Why are you carrying a 9ft book?'
I replied... 'It's a long story.'
I replied... 'It's a long story.'
January 12, 2026 at 9:31 AM
Some guy stopped me in the street and asked, 'Why are you carrying a 9ft book?'
I replied... 'It's a long story.'
I replied... 'It's a long story.'
What's brown and sticky?
.
.
A stick.
.
.
A stick.
January 12, 2026 at 8:31 AM
What's brown and sticky?
.
.
A stick.
.
.
A stick.
When I was 10, my mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That was when I realized he was her favorite twin, not me.
January 12, 2026 at 7:31 AM
When I was 10, my mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party. That was when I realized he was her favorite twin, not me.
I've got a friend who reminds me of a software update. Every time I see him, I groan: Not now.
January 12, 2026 at 6:31 AM
I've got a friend who reminds me of a software update. Every time I see him, I groan: Not now.
What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
Olay.
Olay.
January 12, 2026 at 5:31 AM
What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
Olay.
Olay.
January 12, 2026 at 5:01 AM