Alice McFlurry
@alicemcflurry.bsky.social
Mostly one-liners at my own expense
Awkward AF
Midwest to West Coast
Awkward AF
Midwest to West Coast
If I had a nickel for every five pennies I'd break even.
December 10, 2025 at 3:14 PM
If I had a nickel for every five pennies I'd break even.
My friend insisted that astrology is based on facts and I was like yeah right like I’m going to believe anything a Scorpio says.
December 9, 2025 at 3:02 PM
My friend insisted that astrology is based on facts and I was like yeah right like I’m going to believe anything a Scorpio says.
If I were my phone, I'd be really sad that websites seem to have such a hard time remembering me.
December 8, 2025 at 3:01 PM
If I were my phone, I'd be really sad that websites seem to have such a hard time remembering me.
My furry identity is a naked mole rat so I just crawl around conventions in the nude.
December 7, 2025 at 3:01 PM
My furry identity is a naked mole rat so I just crawl around conventions in the nude.
You've heard of elf on a shelf, now get ready for Saint Nick on my dick.
December 6, 2025 at 3:02 PM
You've heard of elf on a shelf, now get ready for Saint Nick on my dick.
Invention idea for a Kleenex box that's decorated like a Ghostbusters ghost trap so you can use it as a receptacle for your snotty/phlegmy used tissues and feel like you've captured your very own Slimer.
December 5, 2025 at 5:07 PM
Invention idea for a Kleenex box that's decorated like a Ghostbusters ghost trap so you can use it as a receptacle for your snotty/phlegmy used tissues and feel like you've captured your very own Slimer.
Apologies to those who watched my latest unboxing live stream.
In my defense, it was 50/50 on whether those cats were going to be alive or not.
In my defense, it was 50/50 on whether those cats were going to be alive or not.
December 4, 2025 at 3:01 PM
Apologies to those who watched my latest unboxing live stream.
In my defense, it was 50/50 on whether those cats were going to be alive or not.
In my defense, it was 50/50 on whether those cats were going to be alive or not.
Today's Vibe is a very ugly vehicle made by Pontiac.
December 3, 2025 at 5:07 PM
Today's Vibe is a very ugly vehicle made by Pontiac.
Whenever my university wins a game, I like to shout "WE did it!" just to make up for all of the times my classmates took credit for the group projects I completed entirely on my own.
December 2, 2025 at 3:03 PM
Whenever my university wins a game, I like to shout "WE did it!" just to make up for all of the times my classmates took credit for the group projects I completed entirely on my own.
Once a year I buy egg nog and once a year I’m reminded about how much I don’t actually like egg nog.
December 1, 2025 at 3:03 PM
Once a year I buy egg nog and once a year I’m reminded about how much I don’t actually like egg nog.
I love how cats have tails that could easily hide their butts for modesty, but they're always prancing around like "look at my butthole!"
November 30, 2025 at 3:01 PM
I love how cats have tails that could easily hide their butts for modesty, but they're always prancing around like "look at my butthole!"
I prefer topless mimosas.
November 29, 2025 at 3:01 PM
I prefer topless mimosas.
Lobotomies are bad.
Change my mind.
Change my mind.
November 28, 2025 at 5:07 PM
Lobotomies are bad.
Change my mind.
Change my mind.
Whenever anyone asks me to troubleshoot a non-Apple device, I respond with nonsense in a gibberish language and they say "I don’t understand that language" and I say "same" and then walk away.
November 27, 2025 at 3:02 PM
Whenever anyone asks me to troubleshoot a non-Apple device, I respond with nonsense in a gibberish language and they say "I don’t understand that language" and I say "same" and then walk away.
My cup runneth under.
November 26, 2025 at 5:07 PM
My cup runneth under.
I’m really worried about the zombie apocalypse because I think it's gonna be really hard to tell the difference between zombies and toddlers.
November 25, 2025 at 3:02 PM
I’m really worried about the zombie apocalypse because I think it's gonna be really hard to tell the difference between zombies and toddlers.
Ignorance is bliss.
Or whatever those stupid idiots say.
Or whatever those stupid idiots say.
November 24, 2025 at 3:03 PM
Ignorance is bliss.
Or whatever those stupid idiots say.
Or whatever those stupid idiots say.
Just watched the director's cut of Home Alone and I can't believe how much of this movie was originally dedicated to Kevin jizzing everywhere.
November 23, 2025 at 3:02 PM
Just watched the director's cut of Home Alone and I can't believe how much of this movie was originally dedicated to Kevin jizzing everywhere.
The most annoying thing about being pregnant has gotta be trying to hide your drinking for nine months.
November 22, 2025 at 3:02 PM
The most annoying thing about being pregnant has gotta be trying to hide your drinking for nine months.
Happy Pizza Night to all who celebrate!
November 21, 2025 at 3:03 PM
Happy Pizza Night to all who celebrate!
The server at the Olive Garden asked if we were celebrating anything special so I said never ending breadsticks and never having children.
November 20, 2025 at 3:14 PM
The server at the Olive Garden asked if we were celebrating anything special so I said never ending breadsticks and never having children.
[Consoling my husband after a minor inconvenience]
Me: Aw, my sad baby boy.
Him: I'm a man.
Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.
Me: Aw, my sad baby boy.
Him: I'm a man.
Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.
November 19, 2025 at 3:03 PM
[Consoling my husband after a minor inconvenience]
Me: Aw, my sad baby boy.
Him: I'm a man.
Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.
Me: Aw, my sad baby boy.
Him: I'm a man.
Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.
I’m not trying to rob any cradles because most babies don't have any money.
November 18, 2025 at 5:03 PM
I’m not trying to rob any cradles because most babies don't have any money.
No godzillas No masterzillas
November 17, 2025 at 5:05 PM
No godzillas No masterzillas
The vibe of the day is the Hitachi Magic Wand.
November 16, 2025 at 5:01 PM
The vibe of the day is the Hitachi Magic Wand.