Aaron Hertzog
@aaronhertzog.bsky.social
Comedian. Writer. Friend.
aaronhertzog.com
aaronhertzog.com
here's a post that pretends to be about a sandwich but is actually about friendship
The Greatest Sandwich Ever Created: the Chicken Finger Supreme Hoagie
Sometimes I miss this sandwich so much it hurts.
aaronhertzog.substack.com
November 17, 2025 at 7:20 PM
here's a post that pretends to be about a sandwich but is actually about friendship
I bet this time of the year really eats up the ad guy who came up with “a december to remember” cause people gotta wait a couple weeks for that while happy hondadays cannot be held back by the restraints of the calendar
November 16, 2025 at 6:38 PM
I bet this time of the year really eats up the ad guy who came up with “a december to remember” cause people gotta wait a couple weeks for that while happy hondadays cannot be held back by the restraints of the calendar
if you sign up for my mailing list TODAY i will:
write 1 post on any topic you'd like (free subs)
write three 3 posts on any topic(s) you'd like (paid subs)
if you're already subscribed i will write 1/3 post(s) for every new subscriber you refer (plus 1/3 for them)
aaronhertzog.substack.com
write 1 post on any topic you'd like (free subs)
write three 3 posts on any topic(s) you'd like (paid subs)
if you're already subscribed i will write 1/3 post(s) for every new subscriber you refer (plus 1/3 for them)
aaronhertzog.substack.com
Have You Heard This? | Aaron Hertzog | Substack
Humor writing, original comedy content, pop culture analysis, and more from comedian and friend Aaron Hertzog. Click to read "Have You Heard This?", by Aaron Hertzog, a Substack publication with hundr...
aaronhertzog.substack.com
November 4, 2025 at 6:38 PM
if you sign up for my mailing list TODAY i will:
write 1 post on any topic you'd like (free subs)
write three 3 posts on any topic(s) you'd like (paid subs)
if you're already subscribed i will write 1/3 post(s) for every new subscriber you refer (plus 1/3 for them)
aaronhertzog.substack.com
write 1 post on any topic you'd like (free subs)
write three 3 posts on any topic(s) you'd like (paid subs)
if you're already subscribed i will write 1/3 post(s) for every new subscriber you refer (plus 1/3 for them)
aaronhertzog.substack.com
remember in like 2012 you could post something like "i wonder if an hvac guy ever knocked on a door and said 'i just stopped by to see what condition your conditioner's in'" and people would be like "genius" and "you, good sir, have won the internet"
November 4, 2025 at 4:49 PM
remember in like 2012 you could post something like "i wonder if an hvac guy ever knocked on a door and said 'i just stopped by to see what condition your conditioner's in'" and people would be like "genius" and "you, good sir, have won the internet"
Here's a story about how my wife and I were probably almost murdered on the night before our wedding.
The Night(mare) before my Wedding
"Some day this will be a funny story." - My Wife (while crying)
open.substack.com
November 1, 2025 at 4:02 PM
Here's a story about how my wife and I were probably almost murdered on the night before our wedding.
I do what I do because nobody else was doing it. Simple as that. There's no passion behind it. I just saw an opening and I took it. Like how some people run businesses that provide portable toilets to construction sites and outdoor events. Do you think that's their passion? I sure as hell hope not.
The So-Called "Angel of Death Cat" Would Like to Explain Himself — Aaron Hertzog
"The one downfall of my chosen career path is that people tend to avoid me..."
www.aaronhertzog.com
October 27, 2025 at 5:09 PM
I do what I do because nobody else was doing it. Simple as that. There's no passion behind it. I just saw an opening and I took it. Like how some people run businesses that provide portable toilets to construction sites and outdoor events. Do you think that's their passion? I sure as hell hope not.
Can you imagine being one of those cats that can tell when somebody is gonna die once word gets out about your powers? Every time you try to get a little skritch, people run away from you, thinking you're alerting them of their doom. Dang.
October 27, 2025 at 4:52 PM
Can you imagine being one of those cats that can tell when somebody is gonna die once word gets out about your powers? Every time you try to get a little skritch, people run away from you, thinking you're alerting them of their doom. Dang.
Real missed opportunity by the Buffalo Bills to not play Goodbye Horses after every touchdown.
October 21, 2025 at 6:24 PM
Real missed opportunity by the Buffalo Bills to not play Goodbye Horses after every touchdown.
AI sucks fat hog for so many reasons but one I haven’t seen shit on enough is how it plays into dumbass meme culture. One talentless dummy does a “what if this rap song was a doo-wop song?” and then a hundred thousand other useless idiots are also like “what if THIS rap song was a doo-wop song too?”
October 10, 2025 at 7:49 PM
AI sucks fat hog for so many reasons but one I haven’t seen shit on enough is how it plays into dumbass meme culture. One talentless dummy does a “what if this rap song was a doo-wop song?” and then a hundred thousand other useless idiots are also like “what if THIS rap song was a doo-wop song too?”
Hey team, I really appreciate your daily invitations to have lunch with you all. At this point, you must be wondering why I have never taken you up on your offer, and I just want to explain myself before things get too weird.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
I can't go to Sweetgreen with you because I can't cheat on my wife — Aaron Hertzog
My partner and I make our own rules. And we draw the line at fast caszh.
www.aaronhertzog.com
October 10, 2025 at 6:35 PM
Hey team, I really appreciate your daily invitations to have lunch with you all. At this point, you must be wondering why I have never taken you up on your offer, and I just want to explain myself before things get too weird.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
I can’t go to Sweetgreen with you because I can’t cheat on my wife.
Y2K is back at Taco Bell for all you nostalgic 40-year-old millennials whose digestive systems definitely are not
October 8, 2025 at 10:04 PM
Y2K is back at Taco Bell for all you nostalgic 40-year-old millennials whose digestive systems definitely are not
did you know that the average american family is just one single unexpected trip to the grocery store away from financial ruin?
October 5, 2025 at 8:14 PM
did you know that the average american family is just one single unexpected trip to the grocery store away from financial ruin?
i wrote a humor article about the classical music of Aaron Copland in case that kind of thing is for anybody at all in the whole entire world
October 3, 2025 at 5:18 PM
i wrote a humor article about the classical music of Aaron Copland in case that kind of thing is for anybody at all in the whole entire world
i am watching philadelphia 76ers basketball
October 2, 2025 at 4:55 PM
i am watching philadelphia 76ers basketball
would you like a sandwich?
a simple little sandwich?
the humble, quaint, lunch of bird-like eaters everywhere?
you would?
you would like a teeny tiny itsy bitsy stupid little sandwich?
THAT WILL BE TWENTY FULL-ASS AMERICAN BULLSHIT DOLLARS NO I WILL NOT SAY PLEASE JUST GIMME
a simple little sandwich?
the humble, quaint, lunch of bird-like eaters everywhere?
you would?
you would like a teeny tiny itsy bitsy stupid little sandwich?
THAT WILL BE TWENTY FULL-ASS AMERICAN BULLSHIT DOLLARS NO I WILL NOT SAY PLEASE JUST GIMME
September 29, 2025 at 7:03 PM
would you like a sandwich?
a simple little sandwich?
the humble, quaint, lunch of bird-like eaters everywhere?
you would?
you would like a teeny tiny itsy bitsy stupid little sandwich?
THAT WILL BE TWENTY FULL-ASS AMERICAN BULLSHIT DOLLARS NO I WILL NOT SAY PLEASE JUST GIMME
a simple little sandwich?
the humble, quaint, lunch of bird-like eaters everywhere?
you would?
you would like a teeny tiny itsy bitsy stupid little sandwich?
THAT WILL BE TWENTY FULL-ASS AMERICAN BULLSHIT DOLLARS NO I WILL NOT SAY PLEASE JUST GIMME
I bought new notebooks just about a year ago and like clockwork now I’m flooded with ads for notebooks and instead of being mad about *HOW EVERYTHING IS* I’m mad at myself for not filling up the notebooks and needing more notebooks.
September 29, 2025 at 5:57 PM
I bought new notebooks just about a year ago and like clockwork now I’m flooded with ads for notebooks and instead of being mad about *HOW EVERYTHING IS* I’m mad at myself for not filling up the notebooks and needing more notebooks.
who could have even written something like this?
"What we do is who we are. We may think that we are our ideas, or our ambitions, or our morals, or our principles, or our hopes, or our dreams, but we are none of those things. If we were those things, then I wouldn't be a Secret Shopper."
A Secret Shopper Thinks He’s a Character in a Paul Schrader Film
How you do anything is how you do everything. If you don’t put your best foot forward at every single opportunity, then you are wasting the preciou...
buff.ly
September 26, 2025 at 3:37 PM
who could have even written something like this?
Baby’s first McSweeney’s.
Baby meaning me, not my actual baby. If my daughter got published in McSweeney’s before she was three months old I’d honestly be more jealous than proud.
Anyways go read it.
Baby meaning me, not my actual baby. If my daughter got published in McSweeney’s before she was three months old I’d honestly be more jealous than proud.
Anyways go read it.
September 26, 2025 at 1:03 PM
Baby’s first McSweeney’s.
Baby meaning me, not my actual baby. If my daughter got published in McSweeney’s before she was three months old I’d honestly be more jealous than proud.
Anyways go read it.
Baby meaning me, not my actual baby. If my daughter got published in McSweeney’s before she was three months old I’d honestly be more jealous than proud.
Anyways go read it.
If a cop is on their way to the Burbank Bob’s Big Boy you can do all kinds of car crimes they will not pull you over.
September 21, 2025 at 9:48 PM
If a cop is on their way to the Burbank Bob’s Big Boy you can do all kinds of car crimes they will not pull you over.
WHAT A CONCEPT!
The debate around what is or isn’t “cancel culture” really just obscures a simple truth that it’s BAD to be massively racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic and it’s GOOD to speak out against injustice. Some things are good and some things are bad and it’s okay to say which you think are which.
September 20, 2025 at 6:00 PM
WHAT A CONCEPT!
When I press play on a podcast “defending Jimmy Kimmel” and the presenting sponsor is Hulu
a man with a mullet and a mustache is wearing a wig and making a funny face .
ALT: a man with a mullet and a mustache is wearing a wig and making a funny face .
media.tenor.com
September 19, 2025 at 7:11 PM
When I press play on a podcast “defending Jimmy Kimmel” and the presenting sponsor is Hulu
For the few hours between purchasing my ticket and the official drawing, I wasn’t a billionaire, but I wasn’t not a billionaire. I was Schrodinger’s billionaire, both billionaire and not, a Prince and a Pauper, Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd.
What I learned from not winning the $1.8 billion Powerball jackpot — Aaron Hertzog
You can learn a lot about yourself from your daydreams. Here’s what I thought about in my time as a hypothetical rich person, and what I think it tells me about myself.
www.aaronhertzog.com
September 13, 2025 at 9:23 PM
For the few hours between purchasing my ticket and the official drawing, I wasn’t a billionaire, but I wasn’t not a billionaire. I was Schrodinger’s billionaire, both billionaire and not, a Prince and a Pauper, Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd.
I can never let my daughter discover The Muppets or she’ll find out her father is a fraud hack with no original funny voices.
September 13, 2025 at 5:14 PM
I can never let my daughter discover The Muppets or she’ll find out her father is a fraud hack with no original funny voices.
Follow me if you want to learn how to build your following being a guy who gets other people to follow you to teach them how to build their following!
September 10, 2025 at 3:16 AM
Follow me if you want to learn how to build your following being a guy who gets other people to follow you to teach them how to build their following!