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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander
@americanbystander.bsky.social
130 followers 46 following 29 posts
The All-Star Print Humor Quarterly. • "Essential reading for comedy nerds." — NYT• Issue #31 Available for Pre-Order! SUBSCRIBE: theamericanbystander.org
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · Sep 12
We regret to inform you we have returned to social media. Sorry.
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 11d
Driverless cars are out here pulling U-turns,
cops don’t know who to ticket,
and @michaelgerber.bsky.social is hiding behind a hedge in Santa Monica.

Read his new piece, Waymo Scared: online.americanbystander.org/waymo-scared/
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Reposted by The American Bystander
mattcohen.bsky.social
Matt Cohen @mattcohen.bsky.social · 20d
TERFs are obsessed with where *everyone else* is going to the bathroom, so we wrote them a potty training book to teach them how to mind their own damn business. It's called "Nobody Poops." Read it here... and see it in print in the next issue of @americanbystander.bsky.social. #transrights
This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander.
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Reposted by The American Bystander
mattcohen.bsky.social
Matt Cohen @mattcohen.bsky.social · 19d
And if you like my writing, none of my graphic novels have been published yet... but consider checking out some of my work for MAD Magazine or this new piece in the @americanbystander.bsky.social. (12/X)
bsky.app/profile/matt...
mattcohen.bsky.social
Matt Cohen @mattcohen.bsky.social · 20d
TERFs are obsessed with where *everyone else* is going to the bathroom, so we wrote them a potty training book to teach them how to mind their own damn business. It's called "Nobody Poops." Read it here... and see it in print in the next issue of @americanbystander.bsky.social. #transrights
This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander. This is a parody of the popular potty training book "Everyone Poops" by Tarō Gomi. The parody is called "Nobody Poops." The complete text reads as follows: "This kid poops in the boy's room. This kid poops in the girl's room. Everyone poops... including you" "But some people say that you cannot poop in this toilet or that one or even that one." (The art depicts a series of different gendered bathroom signs. The text continues...) "They won't let you poop until you show them your private parts Because they hate girls (who they say are really boys.) Can girls who wear pants poop? Can boys with long hair poop? How about women with strong cheekbones?" "Who are the people who don't want you to poop? Good question." "Fantasy authors say you can't poop. And politicians say you can't poop. And trolls say you can't poop. And 49.9% of voters say you can't poop." (The art above is caricatures of J.K. Rowling, Rep, Nancy Mace, and Matt Walsh. Not Matt Walsh from Upright Citizen's Brigade. He's cool. This is a picture of the troll with the same name.) "The people who say that nobody poops without their permission all have poop instead of brains. And when they talk, only poop comes out. And they get their poop all over everything." (Here the art is a caricature of Donald Trump. He's making a speech and poop is flying out of his puckered mouth.) "If you can't poop, you can't eat. And if you can't eat... ...you can't live." The parody was written by Matt Cohen and illustrated by Marc Palm. It appears in issue #31 of The American Bystander.
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Reposted by The American Bystander
michaelgerber.bsky.social
Michael Gerber, bon vivant @michaelgerber.bsky.social · 14d
ATTN @americanbystander.bsky.social and Dutchie
votebiue.bsky.social
Blue Wave @votebiue.bsky.social · 15d
My favorite Peter Sellers scene.
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 25d
. @michaelgerber.bsky.social ‘s new essay in the wake of Jimmy Kimmel’s cancellation lays it out plainly: the U.S. government is now hostile to comedy. Artists need to protect their lists, mirror their work, and prepare for independence.

Read and repost.
Advice from a Ghost
Comedy, Kimmel, and what you need to do next
open.substack.com
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bwdr.bsky.social
Bright Wall/Dark Room @bwdr.bsky.social · 26d
Support independent media
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dantelfer.com
Dan Telfer @dantelfer.com · 26d
ooooh ok so no more comedy allowed, cool cool cool
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 25d
Good time to repost this
michaelgerber.bsky.social
Michael Gerber, bon vivant @michaelgerber.bsky.social · Feb 5
My fellow US satirists, now is the time to do your thing.

Self-censoring is “obeying in advance.”

Forget your career—draw blood

Tear down these crooks & fools

Whether you’re writing for Colbert or doing one night in some black box over a bowling alley, NOW is the time to

LET IT RIP!!!!
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michaelgerber.bsky.social
Michael Gerber, bon vivant @michaelgerber.bsky.social · 26d
Well, its what Charlie Kirk would’ve wanted, at least
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 26d
Corporations should not own comedy. #jimmykimmel
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 26d
We stand with Jimmy Kimmel.
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 26d
theamericanbystanderstore.com/products/iss...
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 26d
Hello—it is I—The American Bystander
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 27d
The Roman Empire never really fell it just pivoted to content
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 27d
Remember when you were in the Gifted Program?
Now you’re just in debt.

The American Bystander: The Official Magazine for Former Gifted Kids

Preorder Issue 31: theamericanbystanderstore.com/products/iss...
The American Bystander #31 – Satire Magazine | Fall 2025
Issue #31 features Tom Toro's moon-landing cover & 70+ pages of ad-free satire, essays, & cartoons. Limited run. Ships October 2025.
theamericanbystanderstore.com
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 28d
Yes. Very good.
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 28d
Done and done, who’s next
mattcohen.bsky.social
Matt Cohen @mattcohen.bsky.social · 28d
How about
@gemmacorrell.bsky.social
and
@joeyalison.bsky.social
?
bsky.app
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 28d
Now that we’re online again, who should we be following? (No losers, only cool people)
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 28d
[opens trench coat]
“Psst. Hey you. Hey buddy. C’mere. Wanna buy some print media?”
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Reposted by The American Bystander
shakespeare.lol
William Shakespeare @shakespeare.lol · Sep 14
[Throws up another skull.]
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Reposted by The American Bystander
mpershan.bsky.social
Michael Pershan @mpershan.bsky.social · 29d
I'm funny how, like a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh? Is that last thing I said funny? No? How about this one? Please laugh.
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 28d
It’s actually not that hard to be successful online. You just have to be obsessive, unbalanced or stupid hot. Thankfully we’re all three
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · 28d
Everyone’s so happy we’re back on social media.
It feels like walking into the old bar and all your alkie friends cheering, “YOU’RE BACK!!!”

Anyway, pre-order Issue #31. Cover by @tbtoro.bsky.social
Ships October 2025

Link——> theamericanbystanderstore.com/products/iss...
The American Bystander #31 – Satire Magazine | Fall 2025
Issue #31 features Tom Toro's moon-landing cover & 70+ pages of ad-free satire, essays, & cartoons. Limited run. Ships October 2025.
theamericanbystanderstore.com
3
americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · Sep 12
Christ, this is terrible how have you guys been doing this
americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · Sep 12
We regret to inform you we have returned to social media. Sorry.
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americanbystander.bsky.social
The American Bystander @americanbystander.bsky.social · Sep 12
We tried to claw our way out because social media is hell.
But, like all the damned, we were dragged back—this time to hawk a print mag.

The American Bystander #31
Cover by @tbtoro.bsky.social. Ships October 2025.
Preorder here: theamericanbystanderstore.com/products/iss...
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