Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

LightNews

Alistair Barrie

@alistairbarrie.com

6.9K followers 270 following 4K posts

Comedian, allegedly. Latest special 'Woke in Progress' out now on ITVX: www.alistairbarrie.com

Posts Media Videos Starter Packs

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 9h

Never replied ‘not in a million years’ to an email so fast in my life. 🎻

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 10h

Actually, I think the ‘v’ is silent and the ‘e’ is pronounced ‘nker’.

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 13h

Harsh on turtles. Haven't they suffered enough?

Crawling Turtles Nat Geo Wild GIF

ALT: Crawling Turtles Nat Geo Wild GIF

media.tenor.com

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 15h

I don’t want to be part of the knee-jerk negative mob, but isn’t 24 hours a *teeny* bit soon to conclude His Trumpian Magnificence has ‘solved’ a 2000 year old problem.

Ahgee Onlyme GIF

ALT: Ahgee Onlyme GIF

media.tenor.com

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 15h

Guess who’s Muttley?

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 15h

What sort of sea do small boats like?
A Boriswave.
What does a World King like to give?
A Boriswave.
Name the worst haircut in human history.
The Boriswave.
What radio frequency is the least truthful?
Boriswave.
How do you cook the books when misappropriating public funds?
A Boriswave.
#Boriswave

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 15h

Typical of one of the 3 worst people in Britain (see also Farage, N & Andrew, Prince,) to claim credit for a terrible policy & blame someone else for its failure.
It’s almost as if Boriswave Johnson is terrified the phrase ‘Boriswave’ has entered the political lexicon.
Boriswave bye bye. #Boriswave

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 15h

The fact ANYONE sees him as anything but a thug who’s managed to give football hooliganism’s worst tribal instincts a vaguely political slant is as depressing as it is risible.
Anyone who went anywhere near his march cos ‘patriotism’ just forfeited any right to anything but contempt.

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 15h

Typical of one of the 3 worst people in Britain (see also Farage, N & Andrew, Prince,) to claim credit for a terrible policy & blame someone else for its failure.
It’s almost as if Boriswave Johnson is terrified the phrase ‘Boriswave’ has entered the political lexicon.
Boriswave bye bye. #Boriswave

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 1d

Honestly Otto, such a fuss. You’re a disgrace. This sort of baseless insinuation and craven smear tactics should be beneath even the lowest of the gutter press.
He could not BE a more legitimate patriot, travelling to his home in Spain on an Irish passport. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇮🇪🇪🇸
And calling the police cunts.

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 1d

Well from the looks of things we now know he’d have been more than happy to ride in on his, ahem, chopper and whisk you away….

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 1d

Ah. Probably quite right too. Google Randy Andy Spitting Image Sausages and start your week with a little centrefold based vomiting.

I remember finding it both shocking and absolutely hilarious at the time - as Spitting Image so often brilliantly was.

Doesn’t feel quite so funny now.

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 1d

Yes. Although I think it’s safe to say His NoLongerRH is not quite enjoying the quality of life he once was…

Imagine going from Britain’s most popular monarch’s favourite son to solitary confinement in a mansion paid for by your brother where the only person who will talk to you is Fergie?

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 1d

Time and era may be an explanation, but they hardly constitute a defence.
It me feel very queasy to remember his nickname in the 80s. Not to mention this ‘satirical’ morsel:

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 1d

Undoubtedly. Although funnily enough (and I mean no criticism of what looks like a rather lovely venue whose insta/website I note are currently down, and are themselves probably rather regretting the ‘opportunity,’) they list themselves as a ‘Bistro’ overlooking the view to France. #Britishvalues🇫🇷

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 1d

And this was in 2011? Bloody hell. Is he still on the Civil List? Living in his 60 room cottage or whatever.

Oh hang on! Look over there!! Immigrants in search of a better life!!! Bastards must be stopped. 🙄

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 1d

Aaaaaaaaand a happy Monday morning to you too Louise!

(Tried & tested gag about *cough* Randy Andy got ‘oohs’ at Cardiff Glee this weekend. Apparently the Welsh still think the jury’s out. I mean - he’s not even their prince!)

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 2d

Well, to be fair, for once he’s not wrong.

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 2d

Vine tomatoes? What is he - fucking royalty???

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 2d

Christ. This is like the girl you dumped unceremoniously, then went back to a few months later saying you’d made a terrible mistake only to find she’s hardly thought about you once and is posting stuff like this all over her social media leaving you in no doubt whatsoever she’s much, much happier.

Reposted by Alistair Barrie

Tollytb🇮🇪🇪🇺🇨🇦🇬🇧 @tollytb.bsky.social · 2d

"Do you still get paid in Roubles Ted?"
🐢💨

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 3d

I mean, I even said I was nearly done… #lastgag

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 3d

Ah. Premier Inn WiFi. The merest waft of reception to let you know there is some available, but probably best if you just pay for it.

I’d love to hear the sales pitch: “Oh god it won’t work, no! But it will be enough to give your guests an inkling of hope.”

(This post took 15 goes to send.)

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 3d

Worked for Emma Hamilton…

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 3d

Imagine being 19 and opting for that haircut out of choice? Vampire meets Nazi War Criminal meets Patrick Bateman meets Mad.

Totally normal kid to walk into a multi-million dollar role at a company his dad just ‘brokered’ a deal for.

Alistair Barrie @alistairbarrie.com · 3d

Dammit!

Right.

Gorky Smiths
Golden Suspicious
Red Lady
Cvox’s
Bramski
Royal Goner
Red Sonja

Bugger. Still none as good as Russets. 😤