IG It's just sorta cathartic feeling like maybe someone will get where I'm coming from. My mind is a lonely and unpleasant place, and keeping everything in does not help. IDK, man. I just wanna not feel like shit and fuck my life away at all times

I am annoying as fuck when I'm at a low point. Why the fuck am I posting this publicly? Like am I stupid? I know journals exist, right? Inside thoughts staying inside and all that.

The thought of eternal slumber, of being, as is earlier said in the song, forever one with root and earth, is intoxicating when compared with onslaught of consciousness.

Translated, it goes:

In the peaceful heath live the banished souls
The dance in enchanting darkness
The promise stillness and end to the battle for life and death
Cradles me in eternal slumber

I do not want to be alive. I don't necessarily want to die, but the idea of never having existed in the first place is especially enticing. There is nothing that comforts me more than the ending of De Dijle by Hulder.

The ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ isn't motivating while I'm being held down and scalded with hot oil or banging my head on the tunnel wall. I have yet to show the requisite anything to get better, so I don't get better. That's just how it is.

I've heard all the ‘baby steps’, ‘better mindset’, and ‘you can do it’ encouragement bullshit innumerable times. Not once has it done jack shit other than piss me off. I have not made measurable progress in almost 6 years. I am not improving or really even trying.

It's painful every time. No, I'm not doing anything about it. Yes, it is sad, and yes, I do suck. No, your platitude isn't helping, and no, I didn't ask for advice. I don't even want to be in this conversation that *you* initiated. And no, flattery doesn't make me feel better. Stop.

I can only outline my problems that I'm doing nothing to fix so many times, only put up with hearing the same shallow advice over and over so long, only stand ass-pull compliments that are patently false ploys to ‘just cheer me up’ when that's not what I fucking need so much.

and another one for funsies

the implication is that you can draw well, so you feel this hate towards yourself

I personally feel you're p good at drawing

The rat has been inexorably ground into a thick, homogenous paste of brownish-red hue.

prolly similar to people saying excape in English

wait wtf, me too

I have been singing it so frequently lately, and in multiple languages as well