Topper
@topperuk.bsky.social
Unseen in the background, fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
CPO, music, art, dogs, whisky, books, ChelseaFC - A tosspot.
CPO, music, art, dogs, whisky, books, ChelseaFC - A tosspot.
Cheap wallpaper paste – don’t put up with it.
December 1, 2025 at 4:09 PM
Cheap wallpaper paste – don’t put up with it.
I used to work with a guy who measured no more than four feet.
He soon got sacked from Clarks.
He soon got sacked from Clarks.
December 1, 2025 at 3:23 PM
I used to work with a guy who measured no more than four feet.
He soon got sacked from Clarks.
He soon got sacked from Clarks.
Take no prisoners!
OK, one prisoner each, but that's it.
OK, one prisoner each, but that's it.
December 1, 2025 at 1:57 PM
Take no prisoners!
OK, one prisoner each, but that's it.
OK, one prisoner each, but that's it.
“Thank you for introducing me to minimalism”
“It’s the least I could do”.
“It’s the least I could do”.
December 1, 2025 at 1:55 PM
“Thank you for introducing me to minimalism”
“It’s the least I could do”.
“It’s the least I could do”.
Cop * making list of escaped zoo animals *
Zookeeper: "The tigers should be your top priority".
Cop: * scribbling out ducks * "Obviously".
Zookeeper: "The tigers should be your top priority".
Cop: * scribbling out ducks * "Obviously".
December 1, 2025 at 11:42 AM
Cop * making list of escaped zoo animals *
Zookeeper: "The tigers should be your top priority".
Cop: * scribbling out ducks * "Obviously".
Zookeeper: "The tigers should be your top priority".
Cop: * scribbling out ducks * "Obviously".
Haemorrhoid cream.
Worst Farrow & Ball paint colour EVER.
Worst Farrow & Ball paint colour EVER.
December 1, 2025 at 11:40 AM
Haemorrhoid cream.
Worst Farrow & Ball paint colour EVER.
Worst Farrow & Ball paint colour EVER.
I've just seen two women, neither of whom was Chaka Khan.
I’m beginning to think she might have been lying.
I’m beginning to think she might have been lying.
December 1, 2025 at 10:33 AM
I've just seen two women, neither of whom was Chaka Khan.
I’m beginning to think she might have been lying.
I’m beginning to think she might have been lying.
December 1, 2025 at 10:13 AM
More moving house photos. Last big fire in the sitting room. How little they know…
November 30, 2025 at 9:21 PM
More moving house photos. Last big fire in the sitting room. How little they know…
Trying to pack up to move house. There is a protest. (Yes, those sofas are going to the tip).
November 29, 2025 at 10:47 PM
Trying to pack up to move house. There is a protest. (Yes, those sofas are going to the tip).
Tip: Pretend you're a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
November 28, 2025 at 2:09 PM
Tip: Pretend you're a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me.
The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
November 28, 2025 at 12:25 PM
My bear's diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me.
The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
The vet says he's getting better but he's not out of the woods yet.
Head of Topper Kitchenware: “So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?”
Susan: “No, couldn't be arsed”.
Susan: “No, couldn't be arsed”.
November 28, 2025 at 12:25 PM
Head of Topper Kitchenware: “So, did you come up with a name for that revolving food tray, Susan?”
Susan: “No, couldn't be arsed”.
Susan: “No, couldn't be arsed”.
November 28, 2025 at 12:24 PM
They say chimps are our closest relatives.
But mine's actually my Mum.
But mine's actually my Mum.
November 28, 2025 at 10:58 AM
They say chimps are our closest relatives.
But mine's actually my Mum.
But mine's actually my Mum.
I've got a pair of very tight rubber gloves to give away, if anybody wants to take them off my hands.
November 27, 2025 at 3:48 PM
I've got a pair of very tight rubber gloves to give away, if anybody wants to take them off my hands.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons into their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
But cases continue to rise.
November 27, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons into their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
But cases continue to rise.
Can someone please help me out of the bottom half of this gherkin costume?
I'm in a bit of a pickle.
I'm in a bit of a pickle.
November 27, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Can someone please help me out of the bottom half of this gherkin costume?
I'm in a bit of a pickle.
I'm in a bit of a pickle.
How do you stop bacon curling in the pan?
Take away its little brooms.
Take away its little brooms.
November 27, 2025 at 3:10 PM
How do you stop bacon curling in the pan?
Take away its little brooms.
Take away its little brooms.
November 27, 2025 at 1:49 PM
I knew a bloke who had an irrational fear of buffets.
He couldn't help himself.
He couldn't help himself.
November 25, 2025 at 10:04 AM
I knew a bloke who had an irrational fear of buffets.
He couldn't help himself.
He couldn't help himself.
Just popping out to LIDL, or 50-1-500-50 as the Romans called it.
November 25, 2025 at 9:46 AM
Just popping out to LIDL, or 50-1-500-50 as the Romans called it.
I've just invented an invisible aeroplane, though I can't see it taking off.
November 25, 2025 at 9:24 AM
I've just invented an invisible aeroplane, though I can't see it taking off.