That's mad because we have nothing in common to explain this Dan

I am aware that even by writing about this in this way, I am probably attempting to recapture it all in the finite net of language. What I do think may be worth saying is that, for the longest time, the exhortation to feel my emotions made no sense & baffled me.

Thank you!

It's somewhat humbling, as a writer who also fancied himself reasonably emotionally intelligent, to begin to approach the first inklings of understanding that often what helps me, what I need, isn't a perfectly articulated answer, but pressure, heat, cold, touch, quiet or darkness.

That's what I've not really learned or developed. Very common in late diagnosed AuDHD folks, who maybe grew up ashamed & confused by our feelings. I literally sat in the school library at lunchtimes reading psychology textbooks, long before my four years actually studying it. I learned the lingo.

It sounds stupid because *of course* I feel my emotions. If I didn't, I wouldn't be anxious or incredibly sad, right? But I think when people talk about it, they mean something more nuanced than huge crashing despair or raw terror. & the ability to *be with* those emotions is key.

I'm so good at talking about emotions. I wrote a whole book on anxiety & our best current science on brain systems, neurotransmitters, hormone cascades, pulmonary biology, genetics, gut-brain interactions, theology, sports science, cultural influences, the whole gamut. But feeling them? No thanks.

I love TM, & still enjoy playing it, but it feels like AoI takes that core, balances powers while still keeping it varied & flavoursome, & adds some spice without ruining what made the original so compelling. & it's produced beautifully!

I mean it's mostly just a tuned & improved Terra Mystica, but it's a straight upgrade with no downsides that replaces TM for me

In a way it's an impossible question. My answers change depending on when, where & with who.

Thanks so much Musa. You're a mensch.

My hope is that things change for the better, & that if I emerge from this intact, I will have learned something I can use to help others. We shall see. It all feels very precarious right now. Hope often feels like wild recklessness. But we shall see.

I'm not one of life's most resilient people, nor organised, nor am I particularly good at self compassion. But I'm still here. & I hope I can continue to still be here, & contribute in a way that makes some people's lives a little brighter, especially those close to me.

It is hard to be asked to essentially renegotiate a bunch of relationships & expectations, while not being sure exactly what you need, & also really wanting support & acceptance. Because an inevitable part of the process is some people resist, become hostile, & criticise you for it.

I hope it doesn't sound too doomy / blackpill. It can be hard to figure out a way forward when a lot of talk in neurodivergent spaces is either 'just insist on these accommodations' like everyone will instantly agree, or 'the whole world is constructed as our torture chamber' where we're stuffed.

Sometimes it might be because you're not confident they'll say yes, or that they won't feel resentful or hold it over you in some way? I feel basically that I'm mostly on probation & my right to exist is super-contingent on other people's acceptance, so it sucks to potentially threaten that.

Unfortunately some real life stuff is a major contributor & my GP can't help with that. I'm titrating on ADHD meds & that has been a mixed bag. I feel like my current dose is too high

I suppose I share these things partly because of a policy of openness about wellbeing & mental health, partly in the hope that honesty helps others in some small way, & partly in the hope that articulating it somehow releases some of the terrible heaviness & fear that's weighing me down.