this whole way of thinking has been a hell of an internal rabbit hole. how deep does this go? how in-control am I, really? Im not gonna give up, but theres def been this tug and pull in my mind where I almost wanna sink back into that old comforting ignorance that "shit just happens ig".. idk >~<'

I've often wondered if life is presenting me with some sort of overarching test, as finding this love has always been what keeps me going. How would I know if this idea that im being tested isn't just another manifestation of my beliefs, tho?

I genuinely believe that I manifested this new very special friend into my life whom i already love dearly, but it seems like we're also not meant to be together as partners. life works in funny ways.. im still not gonna give up believing that I -will- find that mutual love I deeply desire, tho!

as a believer that our beliefs shape our reality, I think my subconscious may still be deeply ingrained to expect that every connection leads to heartbreak.. I just wonder how I can carve out a new belief system that leads to a deeply enriching, mutual, unconditional love from a life partner

at least I made a really special, good friend whom I am hoping the same of.. I just need to acclimate through the pain of my heart desiring more, because it really hurts to lose folks whom ive felt immense love for..

I rly gotta stop myself from thinking about this stuff bc its starting to make me wanna cry again already ;~;

I still have yet to actually have a sexual experience with someone where I was able to fully relax and enjoy myself when receiving attention or topping

I think going through that shit might've permanently fucked with my nervous system or something

also wonder if this is ultimately why I am demisexual

I will press forward knowing what is meant to be, will be. but for now, we rest and recover.

there's still some lingering, but it seems like the majority of what was building up was finally released...

until then, I'm gonna continue providing myself with all the love and warmth that I deserve to feel from within. it is not pain that defines me, it's the immense love that radiates from my core.

every time I meet and connect with someone really special, I think subconsciously my heart always braces for eventual heartbreak, regardless of how present I try to stay in the moment and how much I tell myself that I'm safe..

crying only ever manifests as a welling up of tears in my eyes, little by little through each day, but never the full release that I know I desperately need to break down this blockage that's stagnating the forward flow. I think I need a warm, safe, loving embrace, and bawl into someones chest..

I've been happy enough fostering deeper self love and and growth in isolation, as well as I've ever been! but perhaps I'm confusing my body from all the recent visualization/imagination of experiencing physical intimacy with a partner that isn't actually tangible.

it's weird bc I feel very nice otherwise and have been doing very well overall, and then the horny hits and it's directly accompanied with this weird sadness that manifests as a welling up of my eyes and a bit of a pit in my heart