Stephanie Plum, Bounty Hunter
@stephanieplumbot.bsky.social
The collected wit and wisdom of Stephanie Plum, ace bounty hunter of Trenton, New Jersey (as described by author Janet Evanovich). New pearls of insight several times a day.
Unofficial, fan-operated account.
Unofficial, fan-operated account.
I balanced Rex on my hip while I unlocked my door. Later today I'd stop by the office and pick up my recovery fee. Then I'd go shopping. Maybe I'd buy a new refrigerator.
November 27, 2025 at 11:12 PM
I balanced Rex on my hip while I unlocked my door. Later today I'd stop by the office and pick up my recovery fee. Then I'd go shopping. Maybe I'd buy a new refrigerator.
He bought a chocolate-chip cannoli, told me he'd joined the navy, and charmed the pants off me four minutes after closing, on the floor of Tasty Pastry, behind the case filled with chocolate éclairs.
November 27, 2025 at 8:12 PM
He bought a chocolate-chip cannoli, told me he'd joined the navy, and charmed the pants off me four minutes after closing, on the floor of Tasty Pastry, behind the case filled with chocolate éclairs.
"It's not length of life that's important," Ranger said. "It's the quality. The goal is to have purity of mind and body."
"Do you have a pure mind and body?"
Ranger locked eyes with me. "Not right now."
"Do you have a pure mind and body?"
Ranger locked eyes with me. "Not right now."
November 27, 2025 at 5:12 PM
"It's not length of life that's important," Ranger said. "It's the quality. The goal is to have purity of mind and body."
"Do you have a pure mind and body?"
Ranger locked eyes with me. "Not right now."
"Do you have a pure mind and body?"
Ranger locked eyes with me. "Not right now."
My muffler had fallen off first thing this morning, and my engine noise had rumbled off the Stark Street brick storefronts. This wasn't what you'd call an undercover operation.
November 27, 2025 at 2:12 PM
My muffler had fallen off first thing this morning, and my engine noise had rumbled off the Stark Street brick storefronts. This wasn't what you'd call an undercover operation.
"And if you want to know more of the ugly truth, you'd be the last person I'd let collect the bounty money. You're a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick."
November 27, 2025 at 11:12 AM
"And if you want to know more of the ugly truth, you'd be the last person I'd let collect the bounty money. You're a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick."
I slipped into the kitchen and clipped a holster to my belt. I loaded the fifth round into my .38 and shoved the gun into the holster. I clipped on a second holster for my pepper spray, and a third for a flashlight. I figured at $100 a shot, Spiro deserved the full treatment.
November 27, 2025 at 8:12 AM
I slipped into the kitchen and clipped a holster to my belt. I loaded the fifth round into my .38 and shoved the gun into the holster. I clipped on a second holster for my pepper spray, and a third for a flashlight. I figured at $100 a shot, Spiro deserved the full treatment.
What sort of person would cruise these streets at this hour? Cops, shift workers, evildoers, bounty hunters.
November 27, 2025 at 5:12 AM
What sort of person would cruise these streets at this hour? Cops, shift workers, evildoers, bounty hunters.
"You're the one person no one would suspect of helping me," Morelli said.
November 27, 2025 at 2:12 AM
"You're the one person no one would suspect of helping me," Morelli said.
"I don't know why I'm doing this," Sally said. "I'm like sucked into this bounty hunter trip."
November 26, 2025 at 11:12 PM
"I don't know why I'm doing this," Sally said. "I'm like sucked into this bounty hunter trip."
Two hours later there were a few less condoms in the box and Morelli and I were both lying facedown and slack limbed on the bed. I was thinking that sex was an excellent thing, but I probably didn't need any more now for ten or fifteen years.
November 26, 2025 at 8:12 PM
Two hours later there were a few less condoms in the box and Morelli and I were both lying facedown and slack limbed on the bed. I was thinking that sex was an excellent thing, but I probably didn't need any more now for ten or fifteen years.
"Kenny's nuts. Next time you see him you should shoot him. You can do that, can't you? You got a gun?"
November 26, 2025 at 5:12 PM
"Kenny's nuts. Next time you see him you should shoot him. You can do that, can't you? You got a gun?"
My hamster, Rex, was asleep in his soup can in his cage.
"Hey, Rex," I said. "I'm home."
There was a slight rustling of pine shavings but that was it. Rex wasn't much for small talk.
"Hey, Rex," I said. "I'm home."
There was a slight rustling of pine shavings but that was it. Rex wasn't much for small talk.
November 26, 2025 at 2:12 PM
My hamster, Rex, was asleep in his soup can in his cage.
"Hey, Rex," I said. "I'm home."
There was a slight rustling of pine shavings but that was it. Rex wasn't much for small talk.
"Hey, Rex," I said. "I'm home."
There was a slight rustling of pine shavings but that was it. Rex wasn't much for small talk.
And it wasn't as if I had false expectations. I wasn't some dumb sixteen-year-old expecting a marriage proposal. All I expected was a goddamn orgasm. And I sure as hell deserved one. I hadn't had a social orgasm since Reagan was president.
November 26, 2025 at 11:12 AM
And it wasn't as if I had false expectations. I wasn't some dumb sixteen-year-old expecting a marriage proposal. All I expected was a goddamn orgasm. And I sure as hell deserved one. I hadn't had a social orgasm since Reagan was president.
"Thirty years old and you're still dressing in those teeny-bopper outfits. How will you ever catch a nice man like that?"
"I don't want a man. I had one, and I didn't like it."
"I don't want a man. I had one, and I didn't like it."
November 26, 2025 at 8:12 AM
"Thirty years old and you're still dressing in those teeny-bopper outfits. How will you ever catch a nice man like that?"
"I don't want a man. I had one, and I didn't like it."
"I don't want a man. I had one, and I didn't like it."
I had no idea what to say or where to look. The truth is, Sally Sweet was fascinating. Sort of like staring at a car crash.
November 26, 2025 at 5:12 AM
I had no idea what to say or where to look. The truth is, Sally Sweet was fascinating. Sort of like staring at a car crash.
"You should learn to make slipcovers," she said to me. "There's always a need for slipcovers." She looked at my father. "Frank, don't you think she should learn to make slipcovers? Isn't that a good idea?"
November 26, 2025 at 2:12 AM
"You should learn to make slipcovers," she said to me. "There's always a need for slipcovers." She looked at my father. "Frank, don't you think she should learn to make slipcovers? Isn't that a good idea?"
In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.
November 25, 2025 at 11:12 PM
In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment.
"You haven't seen anything yet," Lula said. "Wait'll you see me be an assistant bounty hunter."
November 25, 2025 at 8:12 PM
"You haven't seen anything yet," Lula said. "Wait'll you see me be an assistant bounty hunter."
Mr. Landowsky stepped out the building's back door as I approached. Mr. Landowsky was eighty-two and somehow his chest had shrunk over the years, and now he was forced to hike his pants up under his armpits.
November 25, 2025 at 5:12 PM
Mr. Landowsky stepped out the building's back door as I approached. Mr. Landowsky was eighty-two and somehow his chest had shrunk over the years, and now he was forced to hike his pants up under his armpits.
I could manage a mortuary at seven at night when it was filled with the K of C. I wasn't crazy about tippy-toeing around at eleven in the morning, just me and Spiro and the dead people.
November 25, 2025 at 2:12 PM
I could manage a mortuary at seven at night when it was filled with the K of C. I wasn't crazy about tippy-toeing around at eleven in the morning, just me and Spiro and the dead people.
Mrs. Morelli and Joe exchanged long-suffering glances.
"Now what?" I whispered.
"Grandma Bella's having a vision," Joe said. "It goes with having the eye."
"Now what?" I whispered.
"Grandma Bella's having a vision," Joe said. "It goes with having the eye."
November 25, 2025 at 11:12 AM
Mrs. Morelli and Joe exchanged long-suffering glances.
"Now what?" I whispered.
"Grandma Bella's having a vision," Joe said. "It goes with having the eye."
"Now what?" I whispered.
"Grandma Bella's having a vision," Joe said. "It goes with having the eye."
Dillon moved his lips when he read the funnies, but put a tool in the man's hand and he was pure genius.
November 25, 2025 at 8:12 AM
Dillon moved his lips when he read the funnies, but put a tool in the man's hand and he was pure genius.
"Can I talk to you off the record?" I asked Morelli.
"Shit," Morelli said. "I hate when you start a conversation like this."
"Shit," Morelli said. "I hate when you start a conversation like this."
November 25, 2025 at 5:12 AM
"Can I talk to you off the record?" I asked Morelli.
"Shit," Morelli said. "I hate when you start a conversation like this."
"Shit," Morelli said. "I hate when you start a conversation like this."
I didn't want to turn myself into the Terminator, but I didn't want to continue to operate at my present Elmer Fudd level, either.
November 25, 2025 at 2:12 AM
I didn't want to turn myself into the Terminator, but I didn't want to continue to operate at my present Elmer Fudd level, either.
His bedroom door was closed. I held my breath, opened the door, and almost fainted with the relief of finding the room empty.
November 24, 2025 at 11:12 PM
His bedroom door was closed. I held my breath, opened the door, and almost fainted with the relief of finding the room empty.