REAL and it’s so deflating. im actually hopeful that things will get better through collective action eventually but 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ that hope is chipped at every day

wider deliberately and then we loop back around to despair paralysis (climate doom is a big one)

tldr i should touch grass that will fix me

w those affected by things that keep happening™️ but after awhile its like…. i can send a donation or rt something or raise awareness and they’re useful individual acts but the value of those small acts feel so enormously small compared to the Size of The Problems that people
keep stretching wider &

like ???????? 8 days deep and it feels like we’ve lived through half the year already… i feel whiny because im not directly affected™️ but also 😵‍💫 i just think… being informed should not lead to despair

“it’s aspirational” i would rather pour my hopes into things that i can gift to myself with adequate effort. anyway we will begin to gaf a little less in under 20 days time

there are more wishes on veins of wanting a turn at being protected, and wanting gentleness and wanting someone somewhere to want an easier life for me but it only just makes me sad to wish for things that are unrealistic.

💕💕🫂🫂

; ___ ; 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂💕💕 thank you hel ;;; i know it sounds so cliche™️ but it actually means a lot, ily very dearly ;;

i think the majority of the year has just been me: processing all of this, without fully understanding it with clarity until now + trying to stay afloat.

anyway im fine, i think i just needed to say all of this somewhere.

and how ive been so estranged not just from extended family but from whole parts of life. (i could continue for literally ever)

and like (reddit voice) “move out! leave! don’t do it!” i get that, but there is no way i can functionally live while leaving “this” unfinished.

but here i am, emerging from a decade long depression, still alive, and having to think about how im going to, someday, have to arrange four funerals by myself.

and how nobody is actually here, in a way that matters. and how i was always being woven into a safety net.

meant i had a support system, right? like that makes sense, doesn’t it?

and im not and never wanted to be hand-held or spoonfed or spoiled or w/e. i never wanted to be entitled or to take ceaselessly, but i thought i would maybe get advice? i thought someone would teach me to drive or something?

wholly and painfully disorganized, stuck in a largely self-imposed poverty of every kind, that i have to solve.

like i never thought i would end up just, physically surrounded by living people that never had any intention of helping me. i was so convinced, because they were here, and stayed, that