Ok hear me out - you rob a bank and then immediately deposit the cash into your account. It’s the perfect crime. The money is back where it should be before the cops arrive. And it’s all in your account. Brilliant.

In a strange turn of events, newly appointed Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has hired several Haitians from Springfield Ohio as part of her staff. They’ll be helping Kristi open a new restaraunt in the HSA’s headquarters, called “Dog-gone Delicious” Cafe.

All right hear me out, it’s an ocean-themed lesbian bar. It’s called Atlantis Morissette and all the drinks are named after her songs. Toronto doesn’t already have one of these does it?

All right hear me out, we put USB-C on toasters. Also, it’s now just US-C.

All right hear me out, it’s a time travel company. We also have time travel auctions. You can bid for a trip. There will be a side bid market for people who get to return you to an alternate universe. Hilarity will ensue. We’re doing series A part II (the cat didn’t make it back). Get in on this.

All right hear me out, it’s an app for doctors/healthcare housecalls. Ratings/reviews of suppliers. Get healthcare delivered.

All right hear me out, it’s an app for a 911 emergency dispatch. Already has your info and all that. Text/call/send immediate help options to the address on file or current location.

Alright hear me out, it’s a travel planner/itinerary/document wallet/social media app all in that doesn’t suck. TripIt sucks. Better than all the rest. But sucks.

Alright hear me out, it’s limousine sandals. So you and four of your friends can go on a walk to the sandal store.

Alright hear me out, it’s a shot for shot remake of Good Will Hunting with the entire cast that’s still alive.

Alright hear me out, it’s a paper straw that isn’t awful to use.

Alright hear me out, we put a roof/carport over EV charging stations. This one is actually serious. Someone needs to be doing that shit in Texas. Not finna sit here at this 5W charger in the 130 degree heat for 3 hours while dipshits’ redhead demon child stares at me.

Alright hear me out, it’s a library but you have to pay to gain entry.

This is a business pitch account. I only post my business pitches.