Drink the blank page with tired eyes. Let the whiteness fill your stomach, then your lungs. Awakened, the mind will send you a sample taste of signals. Receive the download on your tongue. What does delay taste like? Your fingers will understand that. Allow them to move. To react. Jump over the keyboard, or snatch a pen. Either way, this is a trance.

Ibig ko maging bote ng alakna nilalapit mo sa mga labi Hindi ka na nag-iisip o nagbibilangpang-ilang pilsen na ba ang dumarampi at bumabaha sa iyong lalamunan Bakit pa iisipin ang gabundok na caseo ang patung-patong na gabing wala ka sa ulirat?Bakit ba bibilangin ang mga umagang bumubula't bumabangon ka'ng basagpigang-piga at yumayanig ang utak?

Dear Papa, You are five years dead. In 2020, I've always asked, "Am I just going to live my life without you now?" Unfortunately, yes. There is no choice. For five years, I clumsily navigate life without you. The loss of a loved one is always hard. But the loss of a grandparent? Severe punishment! I exist in this world, I participate and continue, sometimes against my will.

I say I am a night person, when in reality I am awake into the depths of early morn. It is dark enough to call it "night." Technically, it is morning. It is the next day already. Perhaps I am neither a morning nor a night person. These binaries don't seem to fit those odd hours in which I thrive. Whatever this time frame is, this is the part of the day (or night?) where I feel most alive, most at peace.

It's one in the morning and I am looking for jobs. Here I go again, scrolling on JobStreet, LinkedIn, Indeed, RemoteStaff, WeWorkRemotely, NoDesk, and so and so. I look. I read. I click when I see a potential position that interests me. I see "Comfortable using AI tools" at the description, so I exit. I scroll. Let's look elsewhere. Let's click something relevant.

It's crazy, accidentally poking myself with a pencil while studying tarot? How does that even happen?! Or is this new deck being more bold and blatant in telling me something...? I have received this new deck, Kawaii Tarot (by Diana Lopez), from my tarot mentor. She has been rehoming her decks lately. Coincidentally, the day the new deck arrived is also the same day when I bought one of my tarot decks, Dagitab.

Life can be messy. Just like my unfinished drafts of writing! Drafts have been piling up lately, sitting in between pressed pages of notebooks. Multiple notebooks. In this blog alone, there's roughly about 20+ drafts. (I swear, I wish I was kidding!) So many things, all crammed in my head. Ideas, snippets, short incomplete thoughts with flowery vague language. Confusion. Feelings.

A Full Moon in Pisces has eclipsed earlier in the week. I have been out with my beloved Penguin for a short weekend staycation in Quezon City. The tall buildings make it impossible to watch this year's Blood Moon. (Besides, I've read in astrology, it is not favourable to go out and bask in the eclipse energy.) My Penguin and I stayed indoors, all snuggled up in a soft comforter and thick pillows.

Iyon ang paulit-ulit na sinasabi ko sa isang taxi driver na pinagpipilitan na hindi daw ako tibo. Ala una ng umaga at hindi ako naghahanap ng away. Pagód na ako. Wala ng lakas itong biyaning para m…