Oh and R but not in the way I needed.

And if you're reading this, thank you G for actually listening to me and stepping up when I was a dick months ago, because it seems like you were the only one who did what a real friend should have done.

Rant over, I needed to get this all out of my system. It's been boiling for so long and knowing what it's like when someone is legitimate and confronts you way earlier and doesn't insinuate that you should just leave, it's so hurtful.

Because it becomes clear that no matter how much or how hard you try, no matter how you actually go about anything in a way that isn't just masking, you never meant anything, you were just entertainment or an extra hand until you could be tossed out.

That last bit's the real straw: when it's so transparent that it's actively hurtful and breaks you over so fucking long because you don't want to be alone again. When exclusion or exchanged tones just always seem suspicious but you can't show any feelings or risk losing it all in a fucking blink.

This shit's why I can't gm for my life, I feel like I'm in a minefield at all times to try and please people who just hate me at my core and extensively lie to my face until I break despite how easy it is to see through the bit.

It's so goddamn deranging because it happens and while I'm absolutely not perfect, I goddamn do my best and I wish people didn't try and pull some mental high ground gymnastics to attempt to put it onto me exclusively after I voice my consistent struggles with loneliness and anxiety.

I don't pull out the "a real friend would have x" shit unless I'm ready to burn a bridge out of feeling betrayed because it's PA as hell, but holy fuck. Real ones will listen to you when you try to stop problems before they happen.

*SUPER* METERS.