I like to be able to have levelheaded conversations about these things, though. I don't think telling people they're bad and wrong forever gets you anywhere; it's better to educate when you can or try to reason with people who are willing to be reasoned with

Same goes for discussions of transphobia and heteronormativity. Your personal experience may be different. You may like some tropes connected with these discussions. You have to be able to step back and see the bigger picture, though. Not everything's about you.

Like when people talk about fandom misogyny you do not have to get in there and argue "well, I'm right to hate this female character because she's badly written"
That may be true, but it's irrelevant; they're not talking about one specific instance, they're talking about a PATTERN of sexist remarks

It's not even really about that - you can have a character be fixed and not affect their personality - it's just that when people make the top uber masculine manly man and emphasise that the bottom is delicate and small and gentle and femme... we gotta call a spade a spade, that's heteronormative

all i'm saying is maybe, if you can ONLY ship things/read fic with a clear manly-top-femme-bottom distinction and feel uncomfortable if those characters are ever removed from those roles, or don't fit in
maybe ask yourself why that is

when people say these tropes are heteronormative they aren't calling you fake queer. they aren't saying there aren't any real gay people that fit in those roles.
you can find real people that fit any stereotype, that doesn't mean it can't be called out for what it is