Ghost of Norm Macdonald
@normmacdonald.bsky.social
A moth goes into a podiatrist's office...
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And finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday.
You know, now he's probably up in Heaven, racking them up for a game with Saint Peter.
Or maybe he's in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh, and the agonies of the damned never cease.
Either way, he'll be missed!
You know, now he's probably up in Heaven, racking them up for a game with Saint Peter.
Or maybe he's in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh, and the agonies of the damned never cease.
Either way, he'll be missed!
November 24, 2025 at 11:18 PM
And finally, legendary pool hustler Minnesota Fats passed away Wednesday.
You know, now he's probably up in Heaven, racking them up for a game with Saint Peter.
Or maybe he's in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh, and the agonies of the damned never cease.
Either way, he'll be missed!
You know, now he's probably up in Heaven, racking them up for a game with Saint Peter.
Or maybe he's in Hell, where demons gnaw at his flesh, and the agonies of the damned never cease.
Either way, he'll be missed!
And now, it's time for Weekend Update's movie reviews.
This week I saw "Interview with the Vampire."
And here is my review:
Um... not gay enough!
This week I saw "Interview with the Vampire."
And here is my review:
Um... not gay enough!
November 23, 2025 at 6:16 PM
And now, it's time for Weekend Update's movie reviews.
This week I saw "Interview with the Vampire."
And here is my review:
Um... not gay enough!
This week I saw "Interview with the Vampire."
And here is my review:
Um... not gay enough!
This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressed published reports that her husband had an extra-marital affair - saying, quote, "Frank did, and always does, what is right."
Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission that her husband beats her.
Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission that her husband beats her.
November 22, 2025 at 10:38 PM
This week, talk show host Kathie Lee Gifford addressed published reports that her husband had an extra-marital affair - saying, quote, "Frank did, and always does, what is right."
Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission that her husband beats her.
Kathie Lee's statement has been widely interpreted as a public admission that her husband beats her.
This weekend, veteran news anchor David Brinkley apologized to Bill Clinton, for an election night commentary in which he called the President, quote, "boring and uncreative."
Admitted Brinkley, "There was certainly nothing boring and uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body."
Admitted Brinkley, "There was certainly nothing boring and uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body."
November 22, 2025 at 1:17 PM
This weekend, veteran news anchor David Brinkley apologized to Bill Clinton, for an election night commentary in which he called the President, quote, "boring and uncreative."
Admitted Brinkley, "There was certainly nothing boring and uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body."
Admitted Brinkley, "There was certainly nothing boring and uncreative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body."
In next week's Life Magazine, pop star Michael Jackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son.
The photos show Jackson changing, feeding, and cradling the baby boy - in what Jackson himself promises will be Life Magazine's sexiest issue ever.
The photos show Jackson changing, feeding, and cradling the baby boy - in what Jackson himself promises will be Life Magazine's sexiest issue ever.
November 20, 2025 at 9:26 PM
In next week's Life Magazine, pop star Michael Jackson appears in a pictorial with his infant son.
The photos show Jackson changing, feeding, and cradling the baby boy - in what Jackson himself promises will be Life Magazine's sexiest issue ever.
The photos show Jackson changing, feeding, and cradling the baby boy - in what Jackson himself promises will be Life Magazine's sexiest issue ever.
After thirty years of nonstop touring, The Grateful Dead is finally breaking up.
Fans of the group, formerly known as "Deadheads", will now be called "Homeless People."
Fans of the group, formerly known as "Deadheads", will now be called "Homeless People."
November 20, 2025 at 8:50 PM
After thirty years of nonstop touring, The Grateful Dead is finally breaking up.
Fans of the group, formerly known as "Deadheads", will now be called "Homeless People."
Fans of the group, formerly known as "Deadheads", will now be called "Homeless People."
People in fourteen states have reported getting sick after eating Schwan ice cream.
They're not sure which flavor is the problem.
Their vanilla. Their chocolate. Or their uncooked pork swirl.
They're not sure which flavor is the problem.
Their vanilla. Their chocolate. Or their uncooked pork swirl.
November 20, 2025 at 8:40 PM
People in fourteen states have reported getting sick after eating Schwan ice cream.
They're not sure which flavor is the problem.
Their vanilla. Their chocolate. Or their uncooked pork swirl.
They're not sure which flavor is the problem.
Their vanilla. Their chocolate. Or their uncooked pork swirl.
And finally, next Thursday, Americans everywhere will celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving.
Or, as turkeys refer to it:
"Murder Day."
Or, as turkeys refer to it:
"Murder Day."
November 20, 2025 at 8:39 PM
And finally, next Thursday, Americans everywhere will celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving.
Or, as turkeys refer to it:
"Murder Day."
Or, as turkeys refer to it:
"Murder Day."
Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores this week.
And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor:
Other Dogs' Asses.
And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor:
Other Dogs' Asses.
November 19, 2025 at 5:47 PM
Well, a beef-flavored water for dogs hit stores this week.
And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor:
Other Dogs' Asses.
And dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month of the newest water flavor:
Other Dogs' Asses.
Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.
November 19, 2025 at 2:20 AM
Texas millionaire J. Howard Marshall may have died two months ago, but as we see here, he and wife Anna Nicole Smith can still enjoy a romantic evening at home.
And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car. And an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars, and injured six people.
Which once again proves my theory:
Women can't drive.
Which once again proves my theory:
Women can't drive.
November 18, 2025 at 10:14 PM
And finally... in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year old daughter to take the wheel of his car. And an accident ensued, that damaged seven other cars, and injured six people.
Which once again proves my theory:
Women can't drive.
Which once again proves my theory:
Women can't drive.
At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages.
What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.
What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.
November 18, 2025 at 6:27 PM
At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages.
What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.
What's more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.
Earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live. Among them that, quote, “Hollywood is run by Jews.”
The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.
The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.
November 18, 2025 at 6:05 PM
Earlier this week, actor Marlon Brando met with Jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on Larry King Live. Among them that, quote, “Hollywood is run by Jews.”
The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.
The Jewish leaders accepted the actor’s apology, and announced that Brando is now free to work again.
At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program.
He also wants some crack.
He also wants some crack.
November 18, 2025 at 4:54 PM
At a press conference this week, Washington mayor Marion Barry said he wants private businesses to provide five thousand summer jobs for a district youth program.
He also wants some crack.
He also wants some crack.
This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, after grisly photos of the murdered Nicole Brown Simpson were shown in court, O.J. turned his head away and wept.
It was at that moment that he realized...
He would never be able to kill her again.
It was at that moment that he realized...
He would never be able to kill her again.
November 17, 2025 at 10:45 PM
This week in the O.J. Simpson trial, after grisly photos of the murdered Nicole Brown Simpson were shown in court, O.J. turned his head away and wept.
It was at that moment that he realized...
He would never be able to kill her again.
It was at that moment that he realized...
He would never be able to kill her again.
(excitedly) Yippie!! Jerry Rubin died last week!!
(pauses, and looks down at his notes. Looks back up at the camera, somberly)
Oh, I'm sorry. That should read, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week."
Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.
(pauses, and looks down at his notes. Looks back up at the camera, somberly)
Oh, I'm sorry. That should read, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week."
Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.
November 17, 2025 at 10:07 PM
(excitedly) Yippie!! Jerry Rubin died last week!!
(pauses, and looks down at his notes. Looks back up at the camera, somberly)
Oh, I'm sorry. That should read, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week."
Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.
(pauses, and looks down at his notes. Looks back up at the camera, somberly)
Oh, I'm sorry. That should read, "Yippie Jerry Rubin died last week."
Sorry about that. I'm sorry. My mistake completely. Just... I didn't read it right.
Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week after overdosing on cocaine last Friday.
Doctors say Busey is okay, and he should be back in the hospital in no time.
Doctors say Busey is okay, and he should be back in the hospital in no time.
November 17, 2025 at 10:06 PM
Well, Gary Busey left the hospital this week after overdosing on cocaine last Friday.
Doctors say Busey is okay, and he should be back in the hospital in no time.
Doctors say Busey is okay, and he should be back in the hospital in no time.
In business news, this week K-Mart introduced its new credit card. And already, the chain has been swamped with applications.
So if you apply for a K-Mart credit card and are turned down, kill yourself.
So if you apply for a K-Mart credit card and are turned down, kill yourself.
November 17, 2025 at 10:04 PM
In business news, this week K-Mart introduced its new credit card. And already, the chain has been swamped with applications.
So if you apply for a K-Mart credit card and are turned down, kill yourself.
So if you apply for a K-Mart credit card and are turned down, kill yourself.
Basketball superstar Michael Jordan has scored a slam dunk with his new men's fragrance, selling one and a half million bottles of Michael Jordan Cologne in the first two months.
No, the scent does not smell like Michael Jordan after a game.
It smells like Patrick Ewing.
No, the scent does not smell like Michael Jordan after a game.
It smells like Patrick Ewing.
September 16, 2025 at 4:59 PM
Basketball superstar Michael Jordan has scored a slam dunk with his new men's fragrance, selling one and a half million bottles of Michael Jordan Cologne in the first two months.
No, the scent does not smell like Michael Jordan after a game.
It smells like Patrick Ewing.
No, the scent does not smell like Michael Jordan after a game.
It smells like Patrick Ewing.
To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson's lawyers said this week that if he had to do it over again... after killing his victims, O.J. would now rob them as well.
September 15, 2025 at 9:22 PM
To illustrate the point that their client is running out of money to defend himself, O.J. Simpson's lawyers said this week that if he had to do it over again... after killing his victims, O.J. would now rob them as well.
What comes next, you can't put back in a bottle.
September 10, 2025 at 9:37 PM
What comes next, you can't put back in a bottle.
No one should be celebrating what happened to Charlie Kirk.
Once you normalize political violence against your opponents, nothing is off the table. That’s not the kind of society anyone should want to live in.
And if you think it won’t happen to your side, you’re very naive.
Once you normalize political violence against your opponents, nothing is off the table. That’s not the kind of society anyone should want to live in.
And if you think it won’t happen to your side, you’re very naive.
September 10, 2025 at 8:48 PM
No one should be celebrating what happened to Charlie Kirk.
Once you normalize political violence against your opponents, nothing is off the table. That’s not the kind of society anyone should want to live in.
And if you think it won’t happen to your side, you’re very naive.
Once you normalize political violence against your opponents, nothing is off the table. That’s not the kind of society anyone should want to live in.
And if you think it won’t happen to your side, you’re very naive.
While performing in New York this week to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a Bible.
Most shocking of all?
Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.
Most shocking of all?
Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.
September 9, 2025 at 12:47 PM
While performing in New York this week to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a Bible.
Most shocking of all?
Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.
Most shocking of all?
Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.
At a rally in California this week, Bob Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits.
In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in landslide."
In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in landslide."
September 8, 2025 at 10:16 PM
At a rally in California this week, Bob Dole urged voters to ignore polls which have him trailing President Clinton by double digits.
In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in landslide."
In addition, Dole asked them to ignore newspaper headlines next Wednesday that say "Dole loses in landslide."
Due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station based on the way they look.
From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.
From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.
September 7, 2025 at 9:39 PM
Due to a change in policy, Amtrak employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of Penn Station based on the way they look.
From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.
From now on, they will have to go solely on urine stench.