anyway as soon as i get home: silly fanfic featuring aym getting dicked down like he deserves, amen

i sit down to write most of the time and think. god. who gives a fuck. like me, i do! but what does that matter? art is so important. art keeps us breathing. but what value is mine in the abyss? a speck of broken glass?

i try so hard just to get by. i try so hard to care. i try so hard just to make something silly and inadequate. i wish i was better. i want to be better.

returned to a place i havent been in years… and realized while emotionally ive changed a great deal i have not been able to improve. to advance. to Be Better. i end up in the same hole sad and upset im not beautiful and Great

i understand! thank you so much for asking 🙏✨ i really appreciate it. maybe i can find it somewhere if i keep digging….

The distinction between ”art” and “pornography” morphs every so often as we learn more about ourselves and the world. that is to say, there is no real distinction materially, but we contextualize it differently every time. Idk man maybe studying global art history a little shd be mandatory.

OHHHGHGHHHHH thank you! i really appreciate you asking them 🫂

yes yes yes that’s the one!! 👀✨

wuaahghhghhf you're a saint! i should probably clarify it's the anthology called "oubliette" ... i can't find it on tora or another site i use for doujins ;o; are we talking about the same one?? (if not honestly i would probably still be interested, hehehe)

anyway god i WISH i could write well and draw cute fictional people kissing and bwahh. aaaaah. AHHHhhhh boo hoo hoo

its a brave thing to share something you care about, even if its lame self-insert fantasy stories, smutty fanfiction, or funny memes or whatever. its frightening sometimes. i like to think all that effort is worthwhile. i just wish i could believe that for myself.

i dont know, sometimes i know im comforted by seeing people talk about things theyre going through, and i can relate to it. i hope maybe this helps you find comfort too from the bad brain thinks if you need it

i always get so down around my borfday because it reminds me that i cant accomplish anything worthwhile and everything i have actually managed to do is a waste of time. so now i can barely summon the energy to do the things i was once passionate about. bwahh

i know. i KNOW its all bad brain talk but god damn. sometimes i get so disgusted and upset with myself (like today) i just want to crawl into a hole and sleep until it stops hurting.

ill try to delete these ramblings later but i just feel so lonely and useless. i cant consistently create anything, not to mention anything worthwhile. even my funny little hobbies fill me with dread: either its "this is all you can do" or "you will never be good enough."

i used to pretty easily be able to channel this energy into creative projects. none of which were very good, mind you, but they were still a big outlet and a fundamental part of me. but now most of the time all i want to do is sleep. napping is my new favorite hobby because it means im not conscious

really. i keep trying, wanting to be inspired by all of these wonderful people i know -- artists, writers, hell even the gamers... but then i get this immediate whiplash into The Despair like, oh. right. there is no hope for me.