This change gives me more freedom to express myself as I feel rather than as I am. And yes, the dysphoria has gotten worse over the past year. I'm not upset I came out, but it's pushed it to the front of my mind more. Ultimately, this is a good thing; I'm not suppressing myself.

On a similar note, I've been wanting to get into using an avatar instead of a facecam for a while. In part, it allows me to get a more gender-affirming representation of myself. But also because I frequently find myself not wanting to be on camera but feeling forced to, because it's become expected.

I'm finding it difficult to disengage. Things here are rough, and I don't want to be caught off guard. Balancing being informed without being overwhelmed with negativity is a skill I never thought I would need...

I want to be there for people, to give them a safe place to escape from the horrors surrounding us. But I'm not in a position to do that right now. I'm barely holding myself together. If I could go live and just chat I would.

Inside I just want to be mad, but that's no use if I can't direct it towards something productive. I feel helpless, hopeless, and in many ways useless. I have nothing but words to contribute, and I'm terrible with words.

And with everything going on in this shithole of a country, I don't have the energy left to keep myself composed and somewhat sensible. Let alone the energy to multitask. Trying to focus on code, keep up with conversations, and keep my emotions in check... It's a lot.

It's not that I don't *want* to stream. It's that there's so much stress all around me and I feel like I can't provide the safe, supportive space that I want to. It's not easy for me, I have to focus so hard to express myself in a way that doesn't get misinterpreted.

MEOW!