cal
@moonycal.bsky.social
he/him
personal acc for ramblings, rants, randomness
I am mentally stable and can be trusted with a forklift :)
personal acc for ramblings, rants, randomness
I am mentally stable and can be trusted with a forklift :)
Pinned
cal
@moonycal.bsky.social
· Mar 31
HEY this'll be my personal account so I can keep my other one separate to vee tube-ing
I'm not doom & gloom all the time, but just a fair warning:
I have severe depression, anxiety, and issues with BPD, as well as chronic back pain; I'm very open (maybe too much lmao) about these issues!! (1/2)
I'm not doom & gloom all the time, but just a fair warning:
I have severe depression, anxiety, and issues with BPD, as well as chronic back pain; I'm very open (maybe too much lmao) about these issues!! (1/2)
I’m not going to do anything stupid I’m just going to bed
I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy and that scares me
I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy and that scares me
October 26, 2025 at 6:08 AM
I’m not going to do anything stupid I’m just going to bed
I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy and that scares me
I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy and that scares me
I feel like my brain is split in two where I feel like I’m a self absorbed narcissist who deserves to die and where I feel like I’m nothing at all and deserve to die
I’m too empty and I’m too full and there’s no way to fix it
I think I was just made incorrectly
I’m too empty and I’m too full and there’s no way to fix it
I think I was just made incorrectly
October 26, 2025 at 6:06 AM
I feel like my brain is split in two where I feel like I’m a self absorbed narcissist who deserves to die and where I feel like I’m nothing at all and deserve to die
I’m too empty and I’m too full and there’s no way to fix it
I think I was just made incorrectly
I’m too empty and I’m too full and there’s no way to fix it
I think I was just made incorrectly
I think the thing that always gets me down is knowing the fact that I don’t really feel wanted by anyone. it’s not to say that I’m unloved, but that I’m loved just within reach.
I’m loved to the point of hanging out. To the point of “he’s so nice”. “He’s such a good friend”.
I’m loved to the point of hanging out. To the point of “he’s so nice”. “He’s such a good friend”.
October 26, 2025 at 6:03 AM
I think the thing that always gets me down is knowing the fact that I don’t really feel wanted by anyone. it’s not to say that I’m unloved, but that I’m loved just within reach.
I’m loved to the point of hanging out. To the point of “he’s so nice”. “He’s such a good friend”.
I’m loved to the point of hanging out. To the point of “he’s so nice”. “He’s such a good friend”.
cali keeps me here. I hope she understands how much she is loved
August 25, 2025 at 12:15 AM
cali keeps me here. I hope she understands how much she is loved
realistically speaking I don't think I'm living past 25 lmao
the goal post extends every year I get older but it extends less and less and you don't have to be a mathematician to figure out those shitty odds
the goal post extends every year I get older but it extends less and less and you don't have to be a mathematician to figure out those shitty odds
August 25, 2025 at 12:14 AM
realistically speaking I don't think I'm living past 25 lmao
the goal post extends every year I get older but it extends less and less and you don't have to be a mathematician to figure out those shitty odds
the goal post extends every year I get older but it extends less and less and you don't have to be a mathematician to figure out those shitty odds
people tell me I'm wanted when it never feels like that
August 25, 2025 at 12:13 AM
people tell me I'm wanted when it never feels like that
posting shit on r/suicidewatch as if some mf on reddit is going to dial an ambulance for me to be sent to the psych ward
haha FUCK dude
how fucked up is it that my future plans are trying my best and if that doesn't work out I'm just takin myself out of the picture
haha FUCK dude
how fucked up is it that my future plans are trying my best and if that doesn't work out I'm just takin myself out of the picture
August 25, 2025 at 12:12 AM
posting shit on r/suicidewatch as if some mf on reddit is going to dial an ambulance for me to be sent to the psych ward
haha FUCK dude
how fucked up is it that my future plans are trying my best and if that doesn't work out I'm just takin myself out of the picture
haha FUCK dude
how fucked up is it that my future plans are trying my best and if that doesn't work out I'm just takin myself out of the picture
hope ill wake up tomorrow and it wont hurt as much and ill forget . just letm e forget
August 13, 2025 at 2:27 AM
hope ill wake up tomorrow and it wont hurt as much and ill forget . just letm e forget
letting the water slough my skin off if i had anything to give but im just tired
With No Fear
YouTube video by Clarence Clarity - Topic
youtu.be
August 13, 2025 at 2:26 AM
letting the water slough my skin off if i had anything to give but im just tired
all I do is waste tissues and napkins to wipe tears of my stupid fuckin face like i haven't felt this feeling a thousand times or worse and it's so stupid and i'm so sad and so whiny just a stupid fucking asshole who cries and complains and whines and moans and groans about utter bullshit
August 13, 2025 at 2:24 AM
all I do is waste tissues and napkins to wipe tears of my stupid fuckin face like i haven't felt this feeling a thousand times or worse and it's so stupid and i'm so sad and so whiny just a stupid fucking asshole who cries and complains and whines and moans and groans about utter bullshit
it shouldn't matter at all but it does and there's something wrong with me
August 13, 2025 at 2:19 AM
it shouldn't matter at all but it does and there's something wrong with me
I often wonder if I'm anything at all. I wonder how insignificant my life is to affecting others. If I wasn't here, what would change? Am I taking someone's place away from them to waste it on being miserable? I don't know if I'll ever be happy and that scares me. I'm just so scared
August 13, 2025 at 2:19 AM
I often wonder if I'm anything at all. I wonder how insignificant my life is to affecting others. If I wasn't here, what would change? Am I taking someone's place away from them to waste it on being miserable? I don't know if I'll ever be happy and that scares me. I'm just so scared
I just wish they could've told me. I wonder if I have any worth at all. If they even care? Do they care? Had they cared? Did it stop at some point? Did I cause it? Are inactions more substantial than actions? Does it even matter? All I can do is cry. That's all I can do. That's it. That's everything
August 13, 2025 at 2:17 AM
I just wish they could've told me. I wonder if I have any worth at all. If they even care? Do they care? Had they cared? Did it stop at some point? Did I cause it? Are inactions more substantial than actions? Does it even matter? All I can do is cry. That's all I can do. That's it. That's everything
I'm upset about one thing but I think they think it's about something else when it's not
I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could not care. And I've been there before. Unattached to things. And it's not good, either. But I'd prefer emptiness to what I have now.
I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could not care. And I've been there before. Unattached to things. And it's not good, either. But I'd prefer emptiness to what I have now.
August 13, 2025 at 2:14 AM
I'm upset about one thing but I think they think it's about something else when it's not
I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could not care. And I've been there before. Unattached to things. And it's not good, either. But I'd prefer emptiness to what I have now.
I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I could not care. And I've been there before. Unattached to things. And it's not good, either. But I'd prefer emptiness to what I have now.
it’s strange to have days where I feel fine but I feel so fragile. today was a good day and yet I’ve cried multiple times. I wish grief didn’t hit you randomly.
I miss my nana, and I miss my uncle. I miss friend’s pets. Today I was whole but so breakable
I miss my nana, and I miss my uncle. I miss friend’s pets. Today I was whole but so breakable
August 11, 2025 at 4:23 AM
it’s strange to have days where I feel fine but I feel so fragile. today was a good day and yet I’ve cried multiple times. I wish grief didn’t hit you randomly.
I miss my nana, and I miss my uncle. I miss friend’s pets. Today I was whole but so breakable
I miss my nana, and I miss my uncle. I miss friend’s pets. Today I was whole but so breakable
you know life is good when you look back at your day and think, “man, I didn’t even think about kms’ing today! a good day.”
I’d say it’s a new low for me but the bar has hit the ground and started digging long ago
anyway. still a win ig lol
I’d say it’s a new low for me but the bar has hit the ground and started digging long ago
anyway. still a win ig lol
August 11, 2025 at 4:20 AM
you know life is good when you look back at your day and think, “man, I didn’t even think about kms’ing today! a good day.”
I’d say it’s a new low for me but the bar has hit the ground and started digging long ago
anyway. still a win ig lol
I’d say it’s a new low for me but the bar has hit the ground and started digging long ago
anyway. still a win ig lol
it’s a little funny that while cleaning out my Google drive I found an unfinished suicide note I wrote when I was around 16/17
I don’t remember writing it but I know the words are my own. what do you even do with things like that? a note left for people to mourn a living body
I don’t remember writing it but I know the words are my own. what do you even do with things like that? a note left for people to mourn a living body
July 24, 2025 at 6:38 AM
it’s a little funny that while cleaning out my Google drive I found an unfinished suicide note I wrote when I was around 16/17
I don’t remember writing it but I know the words are my own. what do you even do with things like that? a note left for people to mourn a living body
I don’t remember writing it but I know the words are my own. what do you even do with things like that? a note left for people to mourn a living body
feels like mourning the loss of someone I don’t know. as if I knew a stranger had just died. someone I never met, someone I’ll never meet or know, but I feel them leaving. I cry for the intersections where we didn’t cross
July 24, 2025 at 6:36 AM
feels like mourning the loss of someone I don’t know. as if I knew a stranger had just died. someone I never met, someone I’ll never meet or know, but I feel them leaving. I cry for the intersections where we didn’t cross
Tonight I’m filled with emotions of sadness and heartache emanating from somewhere outside of me in a way I can’t explain. Not in a supernatural sense, but in a sense that I can feel my brain is wrong while I feel that same wrongness. Like it’s in my synapses or wedged in my brainstem
July 24, 2025 at 6:34 AM
Tonight I’m filled with emotions of sadness and heartache emanating from somewhere outside of me in a way I can’t explain. Not in a supernatural sense, but in a sense that I can feel my brain is wrong while I feel that same wrongness. Like it’s in my synapses or wedged in my brainstem
That’s kind of the problem, I guess. It *does* get better. But when the better gets there, it doesn’t feel like enough. Like you’re starving and you’ve been given a spoonful of broth. It is better, but it is not good. It does not fill you like you thought it would. Like you wanted it to.
July 24, 2025 at 6:32 AM
That’s kind of the problem, I guess. It *does* get better. But when the better gets there, it doesn’t feel like enough. Like you’re starving and you’ve been given a spoonful of broth. It is better, but it is not good. It does not fill you like you thought it would. Like you wanted it to.
I wonder what I’d be like if I wasn’t sad all the time. Would I be any different? Would it be filled with another negative emotion? Is there any world out there where a version of me is happy? Is happiness even achievable now? It got better like they said it would, but it’s still bad.
July 24, 2025 at 6:31 AM
I wonder what I’d be like if I wasn’t sad all the time. Would I be any different? Would it be filled with another negative emotion? Is there any world out there where a version of me is happy? Is happiness even achievable now? It got better like they said it would, but it’s still bad.
I don’t believe in astrology or any of that but sometimes I go back and read Kurt Cobain’s suicide note and just sorta feel it. not the same year but we have the same birthday. I don’t idolize people or pretend that I know celebrities as if we were close friends but I think I understand him
July 15, 2025 at 4:32 AM
I don’t believe in astrology or any of that but sometimes I go back and read Kurt Cobain’s suicide note and just sorta feel it. not the same year but we have the same birthday. I don’t idolize people or pretend that I know celebrities as if we were close friends but I think I understand him
The Craving (Jenna's version)
Twenty One Pilots · Clancy · Song · 2024
open.spotify.com
July 15, 2025 at 4:29 AM
bad moments are supposed to give the good ones meaning but things feel like trying to put a bandaid on an amputated limb. the intention is there but a sterile piece of tape won't cauterize things. it'll just keep bleeding until there's no more to bleed
i dunno what im saying im just upset lol
i dunno what im saying im just upset lol
July 9, 2025 at 1:24 AM
bad moments are supposed to give the good ones meaning but things feel like trying to put a bandaid on an amputated limb. the intention is there but a sterile piece of tape won't cauterize things. it'll just keep bleeding until there's no more to bleed
i dunno what im saying im just upset lol
i dunno what im saying im just upset lol
I think just days like this are when I collapse under pressure. I'm sad. I've always been sad, and I'll probably be sad forever. my brain is not made to be happy. it's just a fact I've accepted. but today I feel it crumbling. I know it's true, but god I wish it wasn't. I wish I could be happy.
July 9, 2025 at 1:22 AM
I think just days like this are when I collapse under pressure. I'm sad. I've always been sad, and I'll probably be sad forever. my brain is not made to be happy. it's just a fact I've accepted. but today I feel it crumbling. I know it's true, but god I wish it wasn't. I wish I could be happy.