Every jobs report is like look, we wrecked the economy, but we swear that’s a good thing

Hello! I recently went on space mountain and spread maman’s ashes! It was beautiful. However as the ashes spread they went into a child’s mouth. The ride photographed it at this exact moment. I am weeping, and a child has human ashes in his mouth. I would like to post this on my Disney Facebook for

As far as I can tell, Congress’ job is to call what the White House is doing illegal and then rubber stamp its budget

you must construct addition pylons but you didn’t hear it from me folks!!

the sky is blue and all the leaves are green, my heart’s as full as a baked potato

using Dawn dish soap to remove the adhesive residue off of my nose from my Breathe Right strip.

At 11:30AM all existing french toast turns into a chicken salad sandwich I hope this helps ❤️

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

It’s time for the kirkolator

I’ve deleted the news off of your phone. You can’t get it anymore

Lemme paint that birrd

my first Christmas album