Matt Shean
@mattsheanwrites.bsky.social
SF&F author in IGMS, StarShipSofa, and Lazarus Risen. Odyssey 2016, Codex, BSFW. Molecular Bio PhD; Genetics Prof; STWing; Erdös-Bacon-Sabbath#: 9. I like pie, but tau > pi. he/him
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome named Pontius Piwate!
August 15, 2025 at 5:53 PM
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome named Pontius Piwate!
You will dread the onset of Fall, and lament the long, fruitless Winters of discontent. Days will stretch into endless unbroken dreams of that taste of life, of God, on your tongue. You will crave baptism in the thin purplish-brown holy water of mingled fruit juices. Enjoy!
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
You will dread the onset of Fall, and lament the long, fruitless Winters of discontent. Days will stretch into endless unbroken dreams of that taste of life, of God, on your tongue. You will crave baptism in the thin purplish-brown holy water of mingled fruit juices. Enjoy!
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Now you've been taught, there is no longer any excuse. Once you've tried this, you will see 'fruit cocktail' and premade fruit salads as the coarse, repugnant things they are. You'll never go back, cursed to spend weary months waiting for early summer when things ripen.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Now you've been taught, there is no longer any excuse. Once you've tried this, you will see 'fruit cocktail' and premade fruit salads as the coarse, repugnant things they are. You'll never go back, cursed to spend weary months waiting for early summer when things ripen.
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Serve as is. Do not adulterate. If you twist my arm, I'll let you sprinkle cinnamon on top, and whipped cream (ideally homemade) works well. But this beast needs no added sugar, and don't you dare add a fake sugar syrup to it!
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Serve as is. Do not adulterate. If you twist my arm, I'll let you sprinkle cinnamon on top, and whipped cream (ideally homemade) works well. But this beast needs no added sugar, and don't you dare add a fake sugar syrup to it!
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Now, throw away your pits, peels, and rinds. Clean up your work area, and prepare yourself. This is the closest I've ever come to a religious experience, and it will change your world. Sex will lose meaning & colors will sprout scents.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Now, throw away your pits, peels, and rinds. Clean up your work area, and prepare yourself. This is the closest I've ever come to a religious experience, and it will change your world. Sex will lose meaning & colors will sprout scents.
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But trust me, it’s worth it. A fruit salad fresh off the cutting board is delicious, but immature. Let it sit, let it chill.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
But trust me, it’s worth it. A fruit salad fresh off the cutting board is delicious, but immature. Let it sit, let it chill.
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Congratulations, your fruit salad is almost complete. Now, cover the bowl w/ some clear wrap, and chill it for at least 1 hr before serving. Lets the pieces macerate and the juices mingle. You'll thank me. This will be the longest hour of your life.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Congratulations, your fruit salad is almost complete. Now, cover the bowl w/ some clear wrap, and chill it for at least 1 hr before serving. Lets the pieces macerate and the juices mingle. You'll thank me. This will be the longest hour of your life.
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Fold in the squishies. Get them somewhat homogenously mixed, and you are done!
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a woman holding a plate of food with the words you just fold it in
Alt: a woman holding a plate of food with the words you just fold it in
media.tenor.com
July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Fold in the squishies. Get them somewhat homogenously mixed, and you are done!
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Kiwis – Peel them, trim off the ends, and then slice 'em once from pole to pole, along their long axis. Lay 'em out in parallel, then cut across each half like latitude lines. Then a single perpendicular cut from north to south. Lay them with the bananas.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Kiwis – Peel them, trim off the ends, and then slice 'em once from pole to pole, along their long axis. Lay 'em out in parallel, then cut across each half like latitude lines. Then a single perpendicular cut from north to south. Lay them with the bananas.
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The Squishies
At this point, toss your salad well, my pretties. From here on out, it's all gentle caresses, no rough stuff. Peel your bananas and kiwis. Slice the bananas into rings, leave them on the cutting board.
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At this point, toss your salad well, my pretties. From here on out, it's all gentle caresses, no rough stuff. Peel your bananas and kiwis. Slice the bananas into rings, leave them on the cutting board.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
The Squishies
At this point, toss your salad well, my pretties. From here on out, it's all gentle caresses, no rough stuff. Peel your bananas and kiwis. Slice the bananas into rings, leave them on the cutting board.
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At this point, toss your salad well, my pretties. From here on out, it's all gentle caresses, no rough stuff. Peel your bananas and kiwis. Slice the bananas into rings, leave them on the cutting board.
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Slice the ring in half, height-wise, so you have 2 thinner rings on top of each other. Not it's a simple few grid cuts, and you've got small watermelon cubes, to mingle w your honeydew balls. Yeah, you heard me. You can cut these as big as the grapes if you choose. Toss it in the bowl.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Slice the ring in half, height-wise, so you have 2 thinner rings on top of each other. Not it's a simple few grid cuts, and you've got small watermelon cubes, to mingle w your honeydew balls. Yeah, you heard me. You can cut these as big as the grapes if you choose. Toss it in the bowl.
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The white ones just float around your mouth with the consistency of a dead cricket, ruining your watermelon tasting experience. Dig ‘em out.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
The white ones just float around your mouth with the consistency of a dead cricket, ruining your watermelon tasting experience. Dig ‘em out.
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I hate “seedless” watermelons. Sure, the big black seeds are gone, but the little white seeds? They’re still there, there’s more of them, and they’ve always been texturally worse than the blacks ones anyway. At least those you could easily spit out.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
I hate “seedless” watermelons. Sure, the big black seeds are gone, but the little white seeds? They’re still there, there’s more of them, and they’ve always been texturally worse than the blacks ones anyway. At least those you could easily spit out.
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Take your watermelon, and cut out a ring 1 1/2" thick & lay it on your cutting board. Slice away the rind, trim off any white. Dig out any obvious seeds. Fun fact, watermelon rind combats ED. Leave too much behind, and I take no responsibility for your actions.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Take your watermelon, and cut out a ring 1 1/2" thick & lay it on your cutting board. Slice away the rind, trim off any white. Dig out any obvious seeds. Fun fact, watermelon rind combats ED. Leave too much behind, and I take no responsibility for your actions.
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Cut a 3rd out of your honeydew, and cut your cantaloupe in half. Dig out the seeds w/ a spoon. Grab your melon baller, and ball those fuckers right into the bowl. Down to the rind. No baller? Warm up that hand, baby, bec you're in dicing town again! Remove the rind 1st tho.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Cut a 3rd out of your honeydew, and cut your cantaloupe in half. Dig out the seeds w/ a spoon. Grab your melon baller, and ball those fuckers right into the bowl. Down to the rind. No baller? Warm up that hand, baby, bec you're in dicing town again! Remove the rind 1st tho.
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He dislikes melon in fruit salad because they only ever taste like pineapple or mandarin oranges. That's NOT the melon's fault! It's the goddamned pineapple. Blame where blame is due, people!
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
He dislikes melon in fruit salad because they only ever taste like pineapple or mandarin oranges. That's NOT the melon's fault! It's the goddamned pineapple. Blame where blame is due, people!
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Melons
My buddy Casey saw one of my fruit salads once, and tried to tell me I did it wrong because I added melons. Case, I love you, but you're as wrong as an ass on a jellyfish. Can anyone spot his mistake? He failed to consider the rules of fruit salads. NO CITRUS, AND NO FUCKING PINEAPPLE.
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My buddy Casey saw one of my fruit salads once, and tried to tell me I did it wrong because I added melons. Case, I love you, but you're as wrong as an ass on a jellyfish. Can anyone spot his mistake? He failed to consider the rules of fruit salads. NO CITRUS, AND NO FUCKING PINEAPPLE.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Melons
My buddy Casey saw one of my fruit salads once, and tried to tell me I did it wrong because I added melons. Case, I love you, but you're as wrong as an ass on a jellyfish. Can anyone spot his mistake? He failed to consider the rules of fruit salads. NO CITRUS, AND NO FUCKING PINEAPPLE.
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My buddy Casey saw one of my fruit salads once, and tried to tell me I did it wrong because I added melons. Case, I love you, but you're as wrong as an ass on a jellyfish. Can anyone spot his mistake? He failed to consider the rules of fruit salads. NO CITRUS, AND NO FUCKING PINEAPPLE.
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Hang in there, you're doing great, and we're in the home stretch. All that's left are the melons, and the squishies. The fine dicing is all done, and there's just some minor chopping left. Massage your hand&wrist, and let's finish this.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Hang in there, you're doing great, and we're in the home stretch. All that's left are the melons, and the squishies. The fine dicing is all done, and there's just some minor chopping left. Massage your hand&wrist, and let's finish this.
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Stand them on their head, and slice them along the long axis into a couple thin strips. Lay the strips out in 2 piles, middle of the fruit down. Dice em. I go 1/4" x 1/2". Add them to the salad and stir.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Stand them on their head, and slice them along the long axis into a couple thin strips. Lay the strips out in 2 piles, middle of the fruit down. Dice em. I go 1/4" x 1/2". Add them to the salad and stir.
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Wait 3 more hours, and it’s all bruise with white-green fuzz. I’ve been hurt by strawberries before, and I can’t trust them. But if you can find firm unbruised not moldy strawberries anywhere, get them ready.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Wait 3 more hours, and it’s all bruise with white-green fuzz. I’ve been hurt by strawberries before, and I can’t trust them. But if you can find firm unbruised not moldy strawberries anywhere, get them ready.
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Let's talk strawberries. I’m not a fan in general, but they add a lot here. Cut out the stems, and trim away the bruises. Because unless you picked it yourself that morning, a quarter of every fucking strawberry is just bruise where fruit should be, waiting to ruin your day.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Let's talk strawberries. I’m not a fan in general, but they add a lot here. Cut out the stems, and trim away the bruises. Because unless you picked it yourself that morning, a quarter of every fucking strawberry is just bruise where fruit should be, waiting to ruin your day.
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...a firm intact grape breaks you out of the religious trance that is eating this dish. So, by cutting the in half, we make them more pliable, less oppositional. Do it.
Blueberries? In the bowl. Move on.
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Blueberries? In the bowl. Move on.
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
...a firm intact grape breaks you out of the religious trance that is eating this dish. So, by cutting the in half, we make them more pliable, less oppositional. Do it.
Blueberries? In the bowl. Move on.
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Blueberries? In the bowl. Move on.
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Cut the grapes in half, and throw them in. But Matt, I hear you say, surely grapes are small enough! Could be. But with grapes, the issue is actually the globe shape. It’s too strong. While the rest of the fruit salad is a smooth consistency -
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July 29, 2025 at 2:49 PM
Cut the grapes in half, and throw them in. But Matt, I hear you say, surely grapes are small enough! Could be. But with grapes, the issue is actually the globe shape. It’s too strong. While the rest of the fruit salad is a smooth consistency -
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