with discounts it's still like $1,500. Rumor $400 at one place but i don't have the $ for that either. there are no mfg discounts or programs.

Noooooooope

the meds i can get thru opts like that are never the ones i have issues getting

i eat 1700 cals a day at absolute most and gain weight bc life is a fucking nightmare & my body is complicit

i do better with 4 and 7 usually

9 in a pinch

3 is no bueno. 5 can work for me but it has to be a good number partnered with it - not 1 or 3.

0, 8, & 6 are liminal numbers that usually mean little

if this feels like a rambling mess that's bc it is a rambling mess

im not coherent or anything rn im just a blob of congealed mental issues with Internet access

babbling incoherently get off my lawn

my age is all 3s and that's no bueno bc it's one of my unlucky numbers

literally want to be anything but human anymore. i dont even care abt the direction or if im sapient or sentient or anything after just turn me into anything that doesn't have to think about fucking health insurance

i take meds to transform me from a ball of nonfunctioning misery to a blob of somewhat functional psychosis or smth idfk my life hurts

oh yeah I've also been dealing with species dysphoria, dysmorphia, w/e for like a week or two now as my brain rots apart. just adding it to the list at this point

{it's not actually my porn name is smth i keep secret bc i don't want it tied to my main accounts just in case i decide to use it someday}

art career in shambles

mental health in shambles

physical health in shambles

finances in shambles

that's my porn name ig now. shambles the clown

"who's front" if i knew that i would probably be doing better bc its been a while since i have been able to tell and rn i am doing well to inhale and exhale half the time

exclusively nightmares and rimworld for seventy thousand years now

mthrfkrs talk abt mental health like bish i have no mental health but i have a lot of mental illness and instability and shit so like if you use enough feces you eventually end up with antibiotics right

no you end up with more feces than u know what to do with & u still dk who u are

I started the med because of these exact sort of issues and knew it would get fkd sideways and I would be out my med inevitably and nobody believed me but now it happened and sure enough i am Back In The Hole except i ALSO have withdrawal issues which makes it SO MUCH WORSE

anyway didn't come here to vent or anything, just wanted to put it out there that i am indeed alive, despite the efforts of my health insurance, my state, and my nation

Optimism is kinda frustrating too because ppl seem to think Positive Thinking fixes shit like this

Like no, my brain does not in fact make the chemicals that allow things to Be OK without help, that's why i take them, please stop talking about silver linings as i drown in the sea of mental illness

My disabling OCD? My also-disabling BPD? Only held in check at all by my ADHD med and antidepressant. Which is less effective than using a hammer to install a screw, bc yeah the board is all fucked up now but the screw's in there innit?

I'll {probably} not die without my antipsychs but i sure as fuck cease any form of QoL functioning. i have 0 idea how long it's actually lasted.

"well you don't really need that drug"

To like. Be alive? No. I'll draw breath without it. But I've also been having like, mental illness non epileptic seizures over it, which I just fkn learned are a thing despite having them before

But as we say in my country, it's all downhill from here

perpetually accelerating as things get worse and worse because there's no brakes on the trump train

I was doing so much better, too. Was starting to drag myself out of the pit. Couldn't let that continue.