My niece does not care about the damn balloons

I have SHUT DOWN balloon inflation proceedings my sister has an issue

This is the same niece who told a boy trying to join her Girl Club "You're coming in hot, but I'm going to take you out cold," so she's far more of a Veronica. She then blamed the statement on me, saying I said it on the radio. I had her back.

There will be tween girls. My niece is very popular.

It’s hilarious, I no idea he was starving.

Yes I picked them up

Pro tip: offer to buy parking enforcement a coffee. You will be able to park on the mayor’s bed.

Now, my brother WILL return my pretty baking pan. The last time he did not return something that was mine, I signed into his streaming services and home internet and changed up all this security systems so all he could access was episodes of Paw Patrol.

My mother has texted me 5 times with the urgency of needing to tell me my father is dead (he died several years ago and would enjoy this riff immensely) to tell me I forgot my Table Talk Pie.

You forgot your pie
Your pie is here
Now we have an extra pie
You know you forgot your pie????!!!?

My mother: Who is Kendall?

Because what TF did he bring? For desert? Table Talk Pies. Individual Table Talk Pies. Please, little brother. Please, only boy.

"I will take this," he said, and and tried to steal my insulating bag. You will not, Kendall Roy, I said. That's where I drew the line.