i broke down crying while hugging the boy on my way home. i suspected but i was really hoping it wasn't the worst but ha. i can and have handled mostly cats' deaths, but I've always feared what it feels like to deal with a dog's death, especially under my care

Anyway.. idk what other updates to share much for now bcs it hasn't been anything good but.. idk I just wanna share it here.

Thoughts and prayers... much appreciated

And another question I still have to reflect and really face it myself: How do I feel abt the kind of validation, impression from men about my body now? How do I feel about the way I present myself to people now with how proud I am of my own body...?

It feels... weird. But not a bad kind of weird

For so long, I used to even feel disgusted with my own body because god why must I have a body like this - only to be bullied for it, be shamed for it.

But now, I am more upset that I even felt that way towards myself? I know I should forgive myself for it.

Another example is also how I feel more accepting of my body in such a way that I want to express that loving pride of my own body. I used to hate my chest bcs I used to be shamed for being a 'big girl with a big chest'.

But it took years later for me to really love my own chest. My own body.

idk how to articulate it... like, I used to feel guilty about being someone who views eroticism as an art, a really intimate kind of art. Like, I see sex as a form of expression too.

But then sometimes I also hear this trauma-impacted side of me saying: "No, that feels filthy and wrong"

also me: damn the sexy be happening so fast in here. LOL