I try to understand why she stopped coming. It seems like she couldn't even tell me why. But it's okay. Sticking on thoughts & feelings like that seems to cause me big trouble. I gotta just be the best person I can be. Slow, simple, sustainable, selfless, sweet, smiling, sincere, safe. Yes safe....🌈

Yes, get the Switch repaired. Then gonna be streaming Smash & F-ZERO again, but also new things like DELTARUNE, and old favorites like UNDERTALE, Celeste, Splatoon, even Final Fantasy and Minecraft. Well it's gonna take time. Even if no one but me is there for it, that's okay.

Why did she stop....?

yesterday we worked more on house & stuff again. that will continue. very soon the coach (car) goes into the shop to get repaired. then can start going 2 the shrine (job) more and easier. everyone will see.

Please believe in me.
I'm doing my best. I'm a good person worthy of love. they'll tell you!

I had other dreams too.
we haven't had the catnip in like.... 10 days now? been sleeping better again (9 hours; have always preferred it since always), remembering dreams again. is been easier to not do stupid stuff like getting stuck in a feeling and messaging a bunch of ppl. forming frenships....🌈

well. Anyway. to my imaginary audience, here is a song I'm listening to as I draw a picture. I'll share it with you later maybe. listening to this song makes me happy. thank you.

but it's what motivates me. I don't really know how to do things without pretending I have an audience. I've always been like this.... ever since I was actually little. Well except certain things that really would get me stuck, like reading books, or playing video games.

So idk. Is that okay? idk

I gotta be my own favorite person. So um. Even if no one is listening, I'll still post for myself. Even if it don't make sense to no one but me.

well, I guess so.
the truth is, I still think of a certain person maybe reading my posts. I almost always do. Other people too, not just them.

I just don't know....

I miss.... I miss her so much and I still have no idea why she's so far away.... she won't tell me,
and it feels like ever effort to connect with her causes her to retreat further....

So I'll stop....

okay it hasn't really been that long I'm JOKING....

also I'm....
really confused about....
what's happening with someone I love & admire very much....

....it seems that.... my efforts to connect with them are.... just causing them frustration. I don't understand it. Maybe they don't either.... idk

praying to my goddess!!!!

also Oni fell in the closet when I got home lol
I think a spirit visited me today
maybe more than one

also I got like,credit cards now. Last time we had a credit card they used the little machine where they run the paper over the bumpy card. memories!!!! lololol

aaaa....

I'm so exhausted. I want to go on Snapchat and Instagram and I have something I've been practicing for TikTok too.... but right now I've just got to like, vibrate slowly in place and recenter and gently absorb everything I just experienced.... STAY AUTISTIC!!!!☝️⚡☝️

a lot happened today....

it's not about whether you experience uncomfortable or like, dangerous feelings or whatever,
it's about the choices you make in response to and in preparation for them

they can teach you
but they like don't have to define you right, not directly right,

peaceful dancer....
I wanna draw my ponysona🍰

it wasn't true to life ofc bc it was rooted in my own dreams and subconscious or whatever but it was cool

I've been learning a lot
yesterday was an important day

I think my hearts are finally breaking free of the weight of trauma and pain and paranoia

those feelings might never leave but....

I have no idea what is happening anymore and I guess that's okay

just trying to focus on my goals and sleeping well and eating well and all that good stuff

and sharing love with my birdies