i wasn’t expecting to laugh at the end… but there it was

one day i’d love for us to write a show, and THEN choose the music for it, rather than music first and story after.

i feel the worst music transition shifted and now helps move the story forward much better.

i was very relieved. when we write these shows we work very well , and we don’t hold back if something doesn’t work, and it’s not about ego, so we let go and listen. after monday i feel really good about it.

and the resolutions we came up with seemed more earned. we had scheduled a session on monday, but Geoff was sick, i already had my mind-space queued to up for final draft, so i dove in. we then met on tuesday and looked at my changes, and he was happy with what i did.

and i feel they’d be willing to torch this whole country before accountability reaches them. i hope they crash first. they already started, let’s hope they fail.

i wish i could just be background support, sing in the small number, and still be considered in the show lol. part of me feels a certain dread at the show, i don’t know if it will pull off as i hope. i wish i could just let go.

i realize that i want to play the role of the main character.., he’s basically me anyway, but it would not be fair for me to write a role and the play that role. i really want someone to be able to play it… but it’s a lot of text.

i just know that i wish i could do lots of chemicals to make me be something else. everything makes me feel worse tho. nothing is better.

but right now, between what is happening in the country, what has been happening in my job, chorus, my life… it’s all fucking awful and i’m struggling just to get from one day to the next. i am trying to put on a good face, and the social pressure is killing me. no one even knows or gets it.

i do these performances and enjoy them, and tolerate recorded shows, but seeing my face after i made an effort not to be on camera was really upsetting. because i’m not feeling any part of this show, even tho geoff and i have spent a lot of effort to write it, and i hope it’s good.

i have zero control over this shit and these people- even asking not to be filmed gets me a sour look- as if the request is unreasonable. the last thing that i want to see, by surprise, in a public video, is my own fucking face. i fucking hate my face, got it? I don’t want to see it.

Later in the same clip, i was shown, full face, making sone stupid head nod, no audio reason. just a flash of me doing that. it felt very much like a “fuck you for covering your face, so we did this”. i despise trying to do something i enjoy and having to deal with a fucking camera in my face.

they’re doing this thing for the chorus and, at one point, they were filming in rehearsal. i held up my ipad in front of my face because i didn’t want to be in it when one of the people recording was focusing in on two others. i was behind them. in the posted video this moment was clearly visible.

same

i love him so much

shit.
328… how have i let this happen to me?