I would walk 500 miles, but I don't think I’d walk 500 more. After the first 500, I wouldn’t be the man who’s still walking. I’d be the man who lies down and goes to sleep.
December 11, 2025 at 3:33 PM
I would walk 500 miles, but I don't think I’d walk 500 more. After the first 500, I wouldn’t be the man who’s still walking. I’d be the man who lies down and goes to sleep.
We’re only a couple of streaming mergers short of recreating basic cable.
December 9, 2025 at 1:46 PM
We’re only a couple of streaming mergers short of recreating basic cable.
You listen to cool music every day, but play Mambo No. 5 one time, and Spotify is like, "Your number one artist this year is Lou Bega. We told him you want to meet him."
December 4, 2025 at 2:43 PM
You listen to cool music every day, but play Mambo No. 5 one time, and Spotify is like, "Your number one artist this year is Lou Bega. We told him you want to meet him."
Today is tomorrow's yesterday.
December 3, 2025 at 6:51 PM
Today is tomorrow's yesterday.
Is it just me, or does no one disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore?
December 3, 2025 at 2:12 PM
Is it just me, or does no one disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore?
“Nah.” <- Everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2.
December 2, 2025 at 2:00 PM
“Nah.” <- Everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2.
“Sorry for the delayed reply.”
-Weak
-Boring
-Corporate
“You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.”
-Generous
-Shows a passion for mindfulness
-Chaos level 1000
-Weak
-Boring
-Corporate
“You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.”
-Generous
-Shows a passion for mindfulness
-Chaos level 1000
November 30, 2025 at 2:59 PM
“Sorry for the delayed reply.”
-Weak
-Boring
-Corporate
“You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.”
-Generous
-Shows a passion for mindfulness
-Chaos level 1000
-Weak
-Boring
-Corporate
“You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.”
-Generous
-Shows a passion for mindfulness
-Chaos level 1000
Limited Time Black Friday Offer! Save 100% when you buy absolutely nothing.
November 28, 2025 at 3:28 PM
Limited Time Black Friday Offer! Save 100% when you buy absolutely nothing.
The most confusing Star Wars film is Witness. Han Solo settling into Amish country? That planet isn’t anywhere in the franchise.
November 26, 2025 at 1:43 PM
The most confusing Star Wars film is Witness. Han Solo settling into Amish country? That planet isn’t anywhere in the franchise.
Children outside screaming is annoying, but for the greater good. Children need Outside Screaming Time for proper emotional development. It is an auditory burden I am willing to bear. The neighbor with his car, which he made louder on purpose: jail for the neighbor. Jail for ten thousand years.
November 25, 2025 at 1:50 PM
Children outside screaming is annoying, but for the greater good. Children need Outside Screaming Time for proper emotional development. It is an auditory burden I am willing to bear. The neighbor with his car, which he made louder on purpose: jail for the neighbor. Jail for ten thousand years.
She hadn’t dared make a milkshake in years. The risk was too great.
Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender.
The motor roared to life.
From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts.
The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.
Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender.
The motor roared to life.
From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts.
The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.
November 24, 2025 at 3:11 PM
She hadn’t dared make a milkshake in years. The risk was too great.
Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender.
The motor roared to life.
From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts.
The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.
Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender.
The motor roared to life.
From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts.
The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.
I think Sisyphus would be a lot happier if there were a big counter at the top of the mountain that went up with every successful rock push, and if he could spend those points on fun stickers for the rock.
November 21, 2025 at 2:20 PM
I think Sisyphus would be a lot happier if there were a big counter at the top of the mountain that went up with every successful rock push, and if he could spend those points on fun stickers for the rock.
Ten years from now, you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket. “Oh man, what a weird year that was,” you’ll chuckle to yourself. Then you’ll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of raiders.
November 21, 2025 at 2:19 PM
Ten years from now, you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket. “Oh man, what a weird year that was,” you’ll chuckle to yourself. Then you’ll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of raiders.
Ah yes, it’s the time of year when people in commercials buy cars without telling their significant others like complete psychopaths.
November 20, 2025 at 4:35 PM
Ah yes, it’s the time of year when people in commercials buy cars without telling their significant others like complete psychopaths.
Remember quarantine, when everyone was making bread, dancing, creating art, taking care of plants, and learning new, useful skills, and we got a small glimpse of what life is supposed to be like?
November 19, 2025 at 2:10 PM
Remember quarantine, when everyone was making bread, dancing, creating art, taking care of plants, and learning new, useful skills, and we got a small glimpse of what life is supposed to be like?
I made Colombian coffee and then poured in Irish cream, Italian sweet cream, and French vanilla. My coffee is more cultured than I am.
November 18, 2025 at 8:49 PM
I made Colombian coffee and then poured in Irish cream, Italian sweet cream, and French vanilla. My coffee is more cultured than I am.
You can tell if it's cold outside if you go outside and it's cold.
November 18, 2025 at 5:14 PM
You can tell if it's cold outside if you go outside and it's cold.
Do you: Sock>Sock>Shoe>Shoe OR Sock>Shoe >Sock>Shoe?
November 17, 2025 at 1:44 PM
Do you: Sock>Sock>Shoe>Shoe OR Sock>Shoe >Sock>Shoe?
Printers and computers treat each other like they broke up the night before, and you're their mutual friend.
November 14, 2025 at 2:25 PM
Printers and computers treat each other like they broke up the night before, and you're their mutual friend.
Your horoscope for today:
Aquarius - BATS!
Aries - BATS!
Cancer - No bats.
Capricorn - BATS!
Gemini - BATS!
Leo - BATS!
Libra - BATS!
Pisces - BATS BUT THEY'RE ON FIRE!
Sagittarius - LOUD BATS!
Scorpio - MORE BATS!
Taurus - BATS!
Virgo - Keep your emotions in line today. Go for a walk!
Aquarius - BATS!
Aries - BATS!
Cancer - No bats.
Capricorn - BATS!
Gemini - BATS!
Leo - BATS!
Libra - BATS!
Pisces - BATS BUT THEY'RE ON FIRE!
Sagittarius - LOUD BATS!
Scorpio - MORE BATS!
Taurus - BATS!
Virgo - Keep your emotions in line today. Go for a walk!
November 13, 2025 at 4:32 PM
Your horoscope for today:
Aquarius - BATS!
Aries - BATS!
Cancer - No bats.
Capricorn - BATS!
Gemini - BATS!
Leo - BATS!
Libra - BATS!
Pisces - BATS BUT THEY'RE ON FIRE!
Sagittarius - LOUD BATS!
Scorpio - MORE BATS!
Taurus - BATS!
Virgo - Keep your emotions in line today. Go for a walk!
Aquarius - BATS!
Aries - BATS!
Cancer - No bats.
Capricorn - BATS!
Gemini - BATS!
Leo - BATS!
Libra - BATS!
Pisces - BATS BUT THEY'RE ON FIRE!
Sagittarius - LOUD BATS!
Scorpio - MORE BATS!
Taurus - BATS!
Virgo - Keep your emotions in line today. Go for a walk!
I was visiting my parents, and they cooked a beef tenderloin. I said, “Man, Budapest is going to love this.” They asked who Budapest was. I said, “I named my stomach Budapest because it’s the capital of HUNGRY.” That’s when they stopped calling me son.
November 12, 2025 at 2:39 PM
I was visiting my parents, and they cooked a beef tenderloin. I said, “Man, Budapest is going to love this.” They asked who Budapest was. I said, “I named my stomach Budapest because it’s the capital of HUNGRY.” That’s when they stopped calling me son.
And just like that, the first real cold of the year arrived. Across Florida, a chorus of smoke detectors echoed through the morning as people everywhere awakened long-forgotten heaters, filling the air with the familiar scent of burning dust and the return of artificial warmth.
November 11, 2025 at 12:36 PM
And just like that, the first real cold of the year arrived. Across Florida, a chorus of smoke detectors echoed through the morning as people everywhere awakened long-forgotten heaters, filling the air with the familiar scent of burning dust and the return of artificial warmth.
There are 21 million penguins in Antarctica, and the population of Ireland is 6.6 million. So if all the penguins in Antarctica decided to invade Ireland, each person would have to fight off over 3 million penguins.
November 9, 2025 at 2:53 PM
There are 21 million penguins in Antarctica, and the population of Ireland is 6.6 million. So if all the penguins in Antarctica decided to invade Ireland, each person would have to fight off over 3 million penguins.
Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet.
Him: Don't you mean chick magne...
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go. NOW!
Him: Don't you mean chick magne...
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go. NOW!
November 8, 2025 at 5:50 PM
Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet.
Him: Don't you mean chick magne...
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go. NOW!
Him: Don't you mean chick magne...
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go. NOW!
Spider-Gran, Spider-Gran,
Always calls you a sweet young man.
Knits a web! Takes a nap!
Her couch is covered in plastic wrap.
Look out!
Please call your Spider-Gran.
Always calls you a sweet young man.
Knits a web! Takes a nap!
Her couch is covered in plastic wrap.
Look out!
Please call your Spider-Gran.
October 31, 2025 at 2:29 PM
Spider-Gran, Spider-Gran,
Always calls you a sweet young man.
Knits a web! Takes a nap!
Her couch is covered in plastic wrap.
Look out!
Please call your Spider-Gran.
Always calls you a sweet young man.
Knits a web! Takes a nap!
Her couch is covered in plastic wrap.
Look out!
Please call your Spider-Gran.