so sorry for the yap fest i promi im not projecting

my hc about healer is he wasnt ever profoundly religous very surface level understanding of the order but still to some extent understanded their beliefs up until something happened, i think hfb would precive healer as like the only cookie that wouldnt judge him too harshly for these issues he holds

i feel like healer would have been his only island to finally think about these thoughts and process them, maybe not talk about them directly to healer but yk that one person that lets you do internal introspection when around them? yeah that

and his excuse for why is "its an act of depersonalization" which i feel to some extent is true ,, driving even deeper into his faith to shut those thoughts out wishing he could be as perfect as those above or at least good enough to be worthy to worship them ,,

surprised ive never talked about this before it has just been simmering in my head ,, he gets happy when called he him but also immidately gets his stomach in a twist because he feels like he shouldnt like that like why?? made everyone in the order refer to him by they them -

yk yk im thinking about the cookie cutter shape, its what the witches invisioned for him right? would it be consideres blasphamous to wish his chest was flatter or if his voice was just a touch deeper dont question their design ,, crying so hard he makes me so sick and so sad

like really bad gender dysophia cant look at his own body so covers up with really baggy robes like even noticable to the very modest order to the point they worry about overheating,, but also in denial about it feels bad he cant look past these precived issues when it was how he was created (?()

uhh ,,, being dumb ig or unable to take control of situations, obedient to their demise like those common sayings "following like mindless sheep" ect

i got a new hc on their eyes becaue of this ramble ,, dove eyes the eyes of a prey bird with like the boba pupil taking up its entire space the white is fearhering and the lid those beady eyes glancing to the side to their most trusted iii bro bro trust me bro this isnt selfshipping b BUT IF IT WAS

their most devoted follower walks into the hall theyre in and they dont scwabble to cover it up or leave before anyone can see ,, they dont even stop for a second to check who came in because the spesific cadence of their step is so familiar

doughael

so pissed off OMG FUCK IM SORRY I KEEP MENTIONING IT BUT FUCKCKKCKCCJJCJ

i feel like a broken record saying this but hey at least its not spoilers

im going to drink until i black out yeah yeah thatll help me forget I NEED TO KILL THOSE GUYS