Head Worm inside Head of HHS
@hhssecinsidesec.bsky.social
Unofficial account for parody purposes | Head Worm inside Head of U.S Secretary of Health and Human Services | Contributor and Editor-in-Chief at The Weekly Needle
“I personally am making sure those Venezuelan drag queens and their vaccines don’t cause autism death by fentanyl” declared a seemingly-panicked RFK Jr at the press briefing
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Panicked RFK Jr Warns of Venezuelan Drag Queens that Will Enter Country if He is Impeached.
WASHINGTON, DC - The Venezuelan Drag Queens who will kill 4 trillion Americans using heroin and vaccines as well as forcing all children to poop in litter-boxes are coming if Kennedy is impeached, say...
open.substack.com
December 10, 2025 at 6:58 PM
“I personally am making sure those Venezuelan drag queens and their vaccines don’t cause autism death by fentanyl” declared a seemingly-panicked RFK Jr at the press briefing
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“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire
“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire
ACIP Board Backtracks on Denmark Studies, Clarifies that Denmark is Not Real
ATLANTA, GA - In a first for the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP), board members acknowledged that several case studies mentioned in the most recent committee meeting mentioning Den...
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December 8, 2025 at 5:14 PM
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“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire
“Denmark has its roots in the old Germanic word “Denmark”, which means “land where elves and trolls with Hepatitis B will come and spread it to your children using magical hexes and vaccine syringes”.
#acip #publichealth #denmark #satire
CDC staffers also had several other symptoms that seem unique to the incident, including rapid onset nose bleeds and as one individual put it, “like my brain was being repeatedly hit with a stupid hammer”.
#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire
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#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire
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CDC Staff Report 9000% Increase in Stroke-like Symptoms After Watching 2nd Day of ACIP Meeting
"I was just watching my screen when I noticed blood was pouring out of my nose and my brain screaming" says one CDC staffer.
open.substack.com
December 5, 2025 at 9:11 PM
CDC staffers also had several other symptoms that seem unique to the incident, including rapid onset nose bleeds and as one individual put it, “like my brain was being repeatedly hit with a stupid hammer”.
#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire
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#acip #hepbvaccine #publichealth #satire
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The new 64 Strategic Initiatives include a wide range of new priorities for the agency, including 16 points dedicated to creating a super powerful science fiction laser beam to assassinate individuals carrying novel diseases…and one point focused on staff wellness.
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CDC Responds to Backlash from 16 Strategic Initiative Quagmire with 64 Strategic Initiatives
"When in doubt, explain more" explains Acting CDC Director Jim O'Neill
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December 1, 2025 at 4:12 PM
The new 64 Strategic Initiatives include a wide range of new priorities for the agency, including 16 points dedicated to creating a super powerful science fiction laser beam to assassinate individuals carrying novel diseases…and one point focused on staff wellness.
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In an attempt to move past the growing sexting scandal from former partner Olivia Nuzzi RFK Jr explains sexually explicit texts were about his mother
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RFK Jr Clarifies Love Poetry Scandal: “Those Were Supposed to Be About My Mother”
WASHINGTON, DC - The Department of Health and Human Services and MAHA were hit by a new round of scandal this week as more details of Olivia Nuzzi’s tell-all are leaked, including several explicit tex...
open.substack.com
November 25, 2025 at 3:01 PM
In an attempt to move past the growing sexting scandal from former partner Olivia Nuzzi RFK Jr explains sexually explicit texts were about his mother
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“Who is Jim O’Neill?” asked a user named “General Keggers”, which The Weekly Needle confirmed was Secretary Hegseth, “isn’t he that fucking weirdo nerdy guy from HHS?”
#cdc #hhs #satire
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#cdc #hhs #satire
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Leaked Signal Chats from Acting CDC Director Jim O'Neill Leak Internal Documents, Desire to Have Friends Over for Beer
While planning for an invasion of Venezuela, Acting CDC Director asked Pete Hegseth and JD Vance to come over to have some of his stepfather's beers, play GameCube which was rejected
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November 25, 2025 at 2:52 PM
“Who is Jim O’Neill?” asked a user named “General Keggers”, which The Weekly Needle confirmed was Secretary Hegseth, “isn’t he that fucking weirdo nerdy guy from HHS?”
#cdc #hhs #satire
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#cdc #hhs #satire
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“Someone showed me the website that said that CDC is now promoting the disproven link between vaccines and autism… But since I can no longer read, I can’t look at the CDC website, so now I don’t know if he lied to me, which is really convenient”
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Senator Bill Cassidy Explains He Can No Longer Read
The Louisiana Senator claims he can no longer read right before CDC changed its website to link vaccines & autism
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November 24, 2025 at 4:49 PM
“Someone showed me the website that said that CDC is now promoting the disproven link between vaccines and autism… But since I can no longer read, I can’t look at the CDC website, so now I don’t know if he lied to me, which is really convenient”
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Additionally, Miller is sexually attracted to feet which his wife has stopped showing him, according to Michael Wolff.
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Stephen Miller Retracts Insurrection Statement: “I Meant to Say I Have Erectile Dysfunction & a Small Penis”
WASHINGTON, DC - In an incredibly rare statement from the Trump Administration, DHS advisor Stephen Miller appeared on TV to apologize regarding statements he made claiming that Democratic lawmakers w...
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November 22, 2025 at 3:04 AM
Additionally, Miller is sexually attracted to feet which his wife has stopped showing him, according to Michael Wolff.
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Miller then spent approximately 10 minutes in the FoxNews interview explaining how small and dysfunctional his penis is, comparing it to “a flat tire,” “a banana peel that has been trampled on,” and “a not very well endowed gerbil’s penis”
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Stephen Miller Retracts Insurrection Statement: “I Meant to Say I Have Erectile Dysfunction & a Small Penis”
WASHINGTON, DC - In an incredibly rare statement from the Trump Administration, DHS advisor Stephen Miller appeared on TV to apologize regarding statements he made claiming that Democratic lawmakers w...
open.substack.com
November 21, 2025 at 6:05 PM
Miller then spent approximately 10 minutes in the FoxNews interview explaining how small and dysfunctional his penis is, comparing it to “a flat tire,” “a banana peel that has been trampled on,” and “a not very well endowed gerbil’s penis”
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“If these motherfuckers continue to just spread misery instead of cheer, I’m personally going to find their goddamn asses on Christmas and spank the ever living fuck out of them” stated Santa Claus. #cdc #autism #rfkj #christmascheer
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“This Motherfucking Piece of Shit Needs to Learn a Goddamn Lesson” - Santa Claus Announces RFK Jr Permanently on Naughty List
SANTA CLAUS’ WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE - As the North Pole gears up for the Christmas Season, Santa Claus took to the podium in a rare pre-christmas announcement.
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November 20, 2025 at 2:55 PM
“If these motherfuckers continue to just spread misery instead of cheer, I’m personally going to find their goddamn asses on Christmas and spank the ever living fuck out of them” stated Santa Claus. #cdc #autism #rfkj #christmascheer
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Interestingly the Secretary made clear that Jeffrey Epstein is not involved; “I have spoken to Larry Summers often and he is one of the only people I trust on both dating and on the innocence of Jeffrey Epstein”.
#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr
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#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr
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HHS Sec Claims Aluminum is Personally Out To Get Him
WASHINGTON, DC - RFK Jr announced Tuesday that aluminum was personally out to get him, and has created a vast and complex conspiracy that involves autism, a top secret alien cabals, the Rothschilds, a...
open.substack.com
November 19, 2025 at 3:09 PM
Interestingly the Secretary made clear that Jeffrey Epstein is not involved; “I have spoken to Larry Summers often and he is one of the only people I trust on both dating and on the innocence of Jeffrey Epstein”.
#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr
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#publichealth #hhs #satire #rfkjr
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Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi
Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi
RFK Jr Holds Press Briefing: Clarifies He Currently Isn’t on Drugs, Not Getting Anyone in Room Pregnant
WASHINGTON, DC - After bombshell leaks from the upcoming memoir by journalist and former “situationship” romantic partner to HHS Secretary RFK Jr.
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November 17, 2025 at 4:06 PM
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Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi
Questions remain regarding Kennedy’s leadership of the agency, and whether his weird creepy behavior towards women makes him a possible front runner in the 2028 Republican Presidential race. #hhs #satire #rfkjr #olivianuzzi
A mysterious illness impacting Republican Leaders who see Epstein File
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Scientists Discover Rare Case of Amnesia, Other Strange Symptoms Among Republican Leaders Who Have Read Epstein Files
"It’s like “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” except no one’s face melts off" claims one Democratic Congresswoman privy to the situation.
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November 13, 2025 at 9:47 PM
A mysterious illness impacting Republican Leaders who see Epstein File
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“After two hours, however, it seems that Astaroth became frustrated, yelled “alright you guys this is ridiculous, I’m done” and left soon after, most likely to go to Los Angeles to celebrate with the Los Angeles Dodger’s World Series win.”
“After two hours, however, it seems that Astaroth became frustrated, yelled “alright you guys this is ridiculous, I’m done” and left soon after, most likely to go to Los Angeles to celebrate with the Los Angeles Dodger’s World Series win.”
Latest Attempt to Reopen Government Spawns Dark Lord Astaroth the Destroyer
As the shutdown enters week 6, Congress attempts to use unconventional means to end the shutdown
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November 4, 2025 at 9:58 PM
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“After two hours, however, it seems that Astaroth became frustrated, yelled “alright you guys this is ridiculous, I’m done” and left soon after, most likely to go to Los Angeles to celebrate with the Los Angeles Dodger’s World Series win.”
“After two hours, however, it seems that Astaroth became frustrated, yelled “alright you guys this is ridiculous, I’m done” and left soon after, most likely to go to Los Angeles to celebrate with the Los Angeles Dodger’s World Series win.”
“The US Department of State issued a short memo saying that “Shan Yu has been smuggling in Fentanyl to the US using Venezuelan boats or something…so that’s why we have to get down to business to defeat the Huns. And invade Venezuela”.”
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Trump-Xi Summit Agree to Get Down to Business to Defeat Huns, Fentanyl
Both nations propose a framework on how to get down to business and defeat the Huns under ruthless warlord Shan Yu. There was also something about Fentanyl in there too.
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November 4, 2025 at 9:55 PM
“The US Department of State issued a short memo saying that “Shan Yu has been smuggling in Fentanyl to the US using Venezuelan boats or something…so that’s why we have to get down to business to defeat the Huns. And invade Venezuela”.”
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October 3, 2025 at 9:10 PM
“When asked to clarify his statement Andrew Hillkop, a spokesman for the president shrugged his shoulders and said “I barely know what the fuck is going on anymore”.”
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To Protect Americans From Long and Healthy Lives, President Trump Orders Shutdown of Key CDC Offices During Shutdown
(Atlanta, GA)
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October 3, 2025 at 3:45 PM
“When asked to clarify his statement Andrew Hillkop, a spokesman for the president shrugged his shoulders and said “I barely know what the fuck is going on anymore”.”
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Opinion: I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT VACCINES AND I WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT by Dr. Bobby Malone
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Opinion: I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT VACCINES AND I WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT by Dr. Bobby Malone
In a first for The Weekly Needle, we have been asked by Dr.
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October 1, 2025 at 1:09 PM
Opinion: I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT VACCINES AND I WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT by Dr. Bobby Malone
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The Weekly Needle Explains: the looming government shutdown and how it will impact your health
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The Weekly Needle Explains: Government Shutdown and Your Health
(Washington DC)
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October 1, 2025 at 1:24 AM
The Weekly Needle Explains: the looming government shutdown and how it will impact your health
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