I have no more ambition or motivation for my wants.
I don't want the pity of fulfilling my needs.
I have no drive to push for my wants.
I'm here, but I'm done.

I'm not mad, I'm not hurt and I'm not upset.
If I'm spoken to, then I'll speak up.
If I'm needed, I'll be there.
I just don't want to try being wanted anymore and I don't want to try getting out of my loneliness again just so I can have it reflected back at me again.

And it feels like shit, because I shouldn't have to be at my literal worst to want the basics of human interaction so I give up.
I'm only ever given attention when I'm part or a larger mass of people or out of pity and worry so whatever.

I used to get mad about it, stopped doing that.
I used to get hurt by it, doesn't happen anymore.
I used to cry about it, but I just refuse to do it anymore.
My wants and needs are only expressed through my worst days and even then they're placated, ignored or in most cases judged.

And as much fun as it can be and as much as I appreciate the distractions, it just fills the silence and is rarely meaningful. It always leads to the same result.
Waiting.
For something, or somebody to say anything at all. The day is gone and there I am, still waiting.

I spend so much of my time devoting my attention to a close group of people, making sure they're okay or even just asking what's up cause I know what it's like to not have anyone talk for 12 hours of a 16 hour day. Because I care and because I'm curious.

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no Notes.

They did the thing!