so heartless to just abandon any animal, i am weeping.

house isnt ready to take him. idk. i wish i could.

Let those of us with experience help those thrown into a whole new environment and speak to them at their level instead of "don't help each other, do your own work" 3:<

real

I'm scared because I want to live. I've only just started.
I've only just began experiencing good connections, cooking, sitting in the backyard, true love, writing, enjoying fires, crying real tears, feeling real excitement.

I've only just started. I don't want this taken away from me.

"what if i'd gotten on hrt earlier"
"what if i didn't develop anorexia"
"what if she/he/they hadn't raped me

I'm tired of hypotheticals. I don't like these questions. I'm with the people I am now because of the path I have been made to walk. I'm not gonna give them up for a hypothetical.

I don't like getting caught up in "what-if"s, but its hard not to, when you're 25 years old and only just getting your shit together - right as the rest of it falls apart.

Its not fun to look back on it. I see patchy memories, drained of any joy, laid bare in my mind's eye the trauma I have endured when I wish to think of even the most basic of good memories.

I endured 20 years of torment - physical, sexual, mental, emotional torture from all angles - and then I got the fuck out.

I was a 20 year old girl, barely 2 years into HRT and with no idea what she was.

Too stunted to recognize my feelings, unpack my trauma, too stunted to love proper.

I was ignored, beaten more, sexually assaulted by people I didn't know, and also by people I did.

Its hard to talk about this without thinking "Damn... did this really happen? this seems like a lot of stuff to happen, surely this isn't real" but,,, the pain is there. the memories too.

blah blah blah, the usual. CSA survivor, beaten as a kid, kicked out a few times. I have my grandparents and my father to thank for keeping me alive once my mother threw me out.

"I"* have had a troubled time on this earth. I dont want to get too deep into anything off topic (i will), this is supposed to be about my thanatophobia.

I grew up in a rough environment for a kid - father leaves, mother neglects in favour of her favourite child

So what *is* perpendicular to my desire to remain alive??
CONTENT WARNING:

mentions of Sexual violence occurring
Self-harm, suicide, or suicidal thoughts
Abuse
Eating disorders, fatphobia, or dysphoria

Maybe I don't need to lose weight. I might not. I was very active getting to 350lbs, and I eat reasonably well when buppy isn't stuffing its maw with anything that is edible.

Maybe my issue with my weight isn't about life.

I don't want to be so scared all the time. I know that losing weight would fucking ruin my self-esteem. I love the way I look. I don't wish for my efforts and my adipose to be sacrificed - I do not wish to go back to what I was; a skeleton - a soulless skeleton, shambling about pretending it lives

I HATE YOU, YOU HAVE RUINED COUNTLESS NIGHTS THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SPENT IN THE COMPANY OF LOVED ONES - ALL FOR THE SAKE OF FEARMONGERING IN MY OWN FUCKING HEAD ABOUT WHAT IFS

I hate being stuck inside my own head.