IT Staff: "Do you want to set up facial recognition for your work phone?"
Me: "No, it's not secure."
IT: "Okay, then you gotta set up a password. Usual rules."
Me: "And I have to type that every time?"
IT: "You sure you don't want to set up facial recognition?"
Me: "It's not secure!"

Dad: "Test this [motion sensing device] out."
I wave my hand in front of it.
Sister: "You need to turn it on first."
Me: "Did you hurt... When you fell from heaven?"
Sister's fiance: "... What?"
Me: "You said to turn it on!"
All of my family starts laughing, fiance stares bewildered.

From tonight's MTG Commander game:
"You came for some Shrimp Fried Rice and you got a hostage situation!"

Me, after getting home from a weekend trip: "I gotta unpack everything, this is gonna be so much work..."
Beat.
Me: "Me to my therapist every week."

News Screen: "Shooter disagreed with [the victim]'s ideaology."
Me: "Be wild if he shot him because he AGREED with his ideology..."

"High Fructose Enriched Potato Syrup."

It'd be a real power move to come out to my parents by telling them they spelled my name wrong on my birthday cake.