flashback to watching taskmaster and pausing before each task to say “this is how i’d do it” and then hitting play, just to watch fern brady do EXACTLY THE THING I DESCRIBED like 70% of the time: [bob voice] ohhhhhhhh my god

been thinking about this for some time now. while i’m probably never gonna seek diagnosis and the label still feels too weird in my mouth to take on, i HAVE been reframing things as a form of entertaining the idea, and i can’t deny that it is incredibly helpful for some things.

remembering all the times i’ve replied to “i could never perform on stage” with “no actually i feel way safer on stage because it’s not actually ME there’s a script and specific expectations that i understand/can use to my advantage if i do screw up”: [bob belcher voice] oh my god lin

realizing that literally any time i’m alone i am practicing different facial expressions and my fake laugh and how to say things with different inflections and tones and emphasis and rehearsing potential conversations i will likely never have: “no this is just in case i ever get cast in a movie”

remembering that i memorized an encyclopedic book about every cat breed and all their different colourings when i was 7: [bob belcher voice] “oh my god”

honestly feeling really crushed again today (which i suspect—sigh—is medication-related). gonna do one more higher dose test tomorrow to make sure, then try taking bcp at night instead of morning wed/thu to see if it makes a quick difference or not. doc appt thursday. i dont even know the answer.

i specifically went on birth control to not have horrible cramps and crippling depression and bordering-on-inappropriate horniness 3 out of 5 weeks and then just regular too-intense moods the other 2 weeks. i just want some semblance of NORMAL.

the fucking MOMENT i started the next pack, the thought of working has made me literally want to throw up from the anxiety of not being able to lock in even remotely. i’m so upset! i just want emotional stability, manageable periods, and mental functions. what the fuck man

yeah i actually had to delete apps from me phone for a day because receiving any kind of social energy felt like hot lightning bolts in my skull it’s kinda fucked up lol

you know it’s bad because i have had to put trek on pause this week. sitting in my office in front of my computer is literal torture that not even campy 90s scifi with my best buds can fix

anyway i’m fine don’t need to check in on me or anything i don’t have the bandwidth to answer messages i just need to spout some bullshit so i can remain normal elsewhere lmao

if, in a week, i feel instantly better the SECOND i get my period i’ll know it’s PMDD and i’ll be able to monitor it more closely next month. (been trying to find a pill that works for various reasons and this one is better than the last one so far, but third month is the real test)

i know you have it in you

nah not yet

i think kicking some things would fix me

i'm fine it's all fine. the news of another postal strike is hitting me a bit today, and shitty people are getting to me. sometimes i just wanna burrow into a hole for a while, yknow?

anyway glad i remembered this alt because i still get embarrassed being emotional on main lmfao

therapy is working. life is evening out a bit. i feel aggressively supported by my friends and community. career is chugging along in the right direction. gotta savour this i’m sure i’ll feel like i’m dying again in like two weeks lmfao