Thankfully one spoke up when he recognised me and called me over to sit with them.
It feels surreal to sit amoung what used to be my peers, my people and know that soon I will no longer be a part of this community as their 'chaps'.

Not to mention it actually packs down smaller than my current pad, so thats a definite plus.

I can not express how happy this would make me.

I have been eyeing this pad in particular and finally took the plunge, took a test nap on it today for about an hour and while my back will forever hurt it seems, it is no more than when I get out of regular bed.
I cant wait to take this pad out to try it next week. If this gets me outside

I didnt mention, I would do it all over again in a heart beat.

I have terrors, I cant sleep many nights, I have to carry a vicks stick with me to mask smells because some smalls that come out of nowhere send me back to my darkest times, at 33 I can hardly get out of bed because my back is wrecked.

But still, at the end of it all, including so much

Faced father crumble when I handed him his son'sflag.

Making connections with allied troops by whispering their language they dont even hear at home.

All of this and more, it somehow makes me a disgrace to the uniform.

But the military also broke me: physically, mentally and spiritually.

All to be told I am debris. A disgrace to the uniform.

Being the last person to hold a young marine to an immigrant family on foregon land, asking me to tell him mother he loved her and did his best as I failed to save his life.

To have young girls in these lands look up to me.

To see a stone

While I was abused as a child I had a privileged life all together. My first deployment absolutely shattered me, and built me back up, giving me the ability to move forward with love and compassion toward all. I did things I wish with everything in the world I could take back.

To change the minds of people about how Americans view and treat Muslims by giving the grace and freedom to pray when other managers refused that time to them.

I wouldn't have found my calling. I also wouldn't have never experienced pain the way I did.

That a Muslim Djiboutian women who was oppressed in her home found small bit of freedom working on base and loves loves loves metal, and was always so excited to talk about Rammstein and take my music recommendations. I wouldn't have experianced Ramadan the way I did, I wouldn't have been able

The military, nor honestly transition medically when I did. The military forced me to challange the close minded Conservative values I was raised with.
I wouldn't have lived in a monastery in Japan, I wouldn't have travelled to countries many people have hardly heard of, I wouldn't have learned

What I am losing though is a career, a pension, a stable paycheck and health care. A job I cant just walk in on a monday morning and be fired from. What I have done and accomplished during my time in service has shaped me to who I am today. I would not have been able to go to university without