Kenji Sasaki
@eksasaki.bsky.social
Man of integrity (parody)
3X Nicholl Screenwriting Fellowship semifinalist. 2X NBC Late Night Writers Workshop finalist.
3X Nicholl Screenwriting Fellowship semifinalist. 2X NBC Late Night Writers Workshop finalist.
Me, adding junk food to my Doordash cart like a child circling toys in a Toys R Us catalog.
January 10, 2026 at 8:38 PM
Me, adding junk food to my Doordash cart like a child circling toys in a Toys R Us catalog.
“You can tell this band is cool because you have no idea how to pronounce their name.”
January 8, 2026 at 11:32 PM
“You can tell this band is cool because you have no idea how to pronounce their name.”
Can’t wait for my Columbia record club wrapped for this year.
December 3, 2025 at 11:08 PM
Can’t wait for my Columbia record club wrapped for this year.
You either die "random" or live long enough to become "cringe."
November 25, 2025 at 10:41 PM
You either die "random" or live long enough to become "cringe."
Yogurt is probably in my top three types of gurt.
November 14, 2025 at 2:31 AM
Yogurt is probably in my top three types of gurt.
Going to get this shirt so I can wear it to Wendy's.
November 13, 2025 at 3:47 AM
Going to get this shirt so I can wear it to Wendy's.
“This is my son, J.D. Power. He’s always running around with his little associates.”
October 20, 2025 at 6:31 PM
“This is my son, J.D. Power. He’s always running around with his little associates.”
You're just one high dollar purchase away from a full 30 minutes of feeling kind of happy.
August 24, 2025 at 1:37 AM
You're just one high dollar purchase away from a full 30 minutes of feeling kind of happy.
Damn, you mean to tell me I’m NOT supposed to eat the silica packet?
August 22, 2025 at 10:54 PM
Damn, you mean to tell me I’m NOT supposed to eat the silica packet?
20s: “Hey, wanna go to this party? No one is going to go and it’s a two hour drive each way. Thought I’d check it out then leave immediately.”
“Hell yeah dude.”
30s: “Hey, I’m dying and your last chance to see me is a free three-star meal.”
“Can’t dude, gotta do laundry."
“Hell yeah dude.”
30s: “Hey, I’m dying and your last chance to see me is a free three-star meal.”
“Can’t dude, gotta do laundry."
July 31, 2025 at 10:45 PM
20s: “Hey, wanna go to this party? No one is going to go and it’s a two hour drive each way. Thought I’d check it out then leave immediately.”
“Hell yeah dude.”
30s: “Hey, I’m dying and your last chance to see me is a free three-star meal.”
“Can’t dude, gotta do laundry."
“Hell yeah dude.”
30s: “Hey, I’m dying and your last chance to see me is a free three-star meal.”
“Can’t dude, gotta do laundry."
Tattoos are a good way to tell the world how much barbed wire means to you.
July 30, 2025 at 9:34 PM
Tattoos are a good way to tell the world how much barbed wire means to you.
To qualify to be featured in an Architectural Digest tour video, you have to prove that no one has ever pooped at your house.
July 30, 2025 at 9:29 PM
To qualify to be featured in an Architectural Digest tour video, you have to prove that no one has ever pooped at your house.
I'm determined to never find out what an acai bowl is.
July 30, 2025 at 9:25 PM
I'm determined to never find out what an acai bowl is.
Just once I'd like to see a bottle of orange juice have the courage to say, "100% from concentrate. Fuck you."
June 28, 2025 at 10:33 PM
Just once I'd like to see a bottle of orange juice have the courage to say, "100% from concentrate. Fuck you."
The conclave has decided and we will now have an Italian Ronald McDonald.
May 9, 2025 at 12:54 AM
The conclave has decided and we will now have an Italian Ronald McDonald.
Maybach? For that kind of money I expect a Definitelybach.
March 6, 2025 at 8:09 PM
Maybach? For that kind of money I expect a Definitelybach.
"Babe, it's not a bag of Cheetos, it's an investment opportunity."
Pokémon-shaped Cheeto sells for $88K at auction
Pokémon-shaped Cheeto sells for $88K at auction
$87,840, actually, for a 3-inch Flamin’ Hot Cheeto
buff.ly
March 5, 2025 at 10:53 PM
"Babe, it's not a bag of Cheetos, it's an investment opportunity."
Amazon now has full control of the Bond franchise. Expect the following:
-Amazon Basics tuxedo
-Q handing Bond a Fire phone
-Climax occurs on Prime Day
-Villain is a small business owner
-Bond casting determined by algorithm, so probably Sabrina Carpenter?
-Amazon Basics tuxedo
-Q handing Bond a Fire phone
-Climax occurs on Prime Day
-Villain is a small business owner
-Bond casting determined by algorithm, so probably Sabrina Carpenter?
February 21, 2025 at 12:55 AM
Amazon now has full control of the Bond franchise. Expect the following:
-Amazon Basics tuxedo
-Q handing Bond a Fire phone
-Climax occurs on Prime Day
-Villain is a small business owner
-Bond casting determined by algorithm, so probably Sabrina Carpenter?
-Amazon Basics tuxedo
-Q handing Bond a Fire phone
-Climax occurs on Prime Day
-Villain is a small business owner
-Bond casting determined by algorithm, so probably Sabrina Carpenter?
Spicy ranch is like the opposite of a mild hot sauce. It's hot mild sauce.
February 3, 2025 at 11:55 PM
Spicy ranch is like the opposite of a mild hot sauce. It's hot mild sauce.
"I want sneakers that look like if Guy Fieri bought a speed boat"
"Say no more"
"Say no more"
January 24, 2025 at 4:29 AM
"I want sneakers that look like if Guy Fieri bought a speed boat"
"Say no more"
"Say no more"
Spiraling. I can’t imagine my life without red dye number 3.
The FDA has banned the use of red dye No. 3 in food, beverages and ingested drugs, more than 30 years after scientists discovered links to cancer in animals: cnn.it/40Ab2Sj
Red dye No. 3: FDA bans ingredient from food | CNN
The US Food and Drug Administration has banned the use of red dye No. 3 in food, drinks and ingested drugs.
cnn.it
January 16, 2025 at 12:56 AM
Spiraling. I can’t imagine my life without red dye number 3.
Next time some euro snob brags about using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit I’m going to claim I use Kelvin and only idiots use Celsius. How does it feel asshole?
January 7, 2025 at 1:02 AM
Next time some euro snob brags about using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit I’m going to claim I use Kelvin and only idiots use Celsius. How does it feel asshole?
We’re like a year away from 2 hour lines to enter CVS to buy the Travis Scott X Swiffer collab.
January 7, 2025 at 12:55 AM
We’re like a year away from 2 hour lines to enter CVS to buy the Travis Scott X Swiffer collab.
Girlfriends in the 1700s: “Can you put out the big candle? I only like little candles.”
December 15, 2024 at 9:00 PM
Girlfriends in the 1700s: “Can you put out the big candle? I only like little candles.”
Damn, Taylor Swift ate at McDonald's and now I can't get a reservation.
December 14, 2024 at 2:24 AM
Damn, Taylor Swift ate at McDonald's and now I can't get a reservation.