Just found out we are related to Gwyneth Paltrow. Her father was my father’s first cousin twice removed’s husband’s first cousin (twice removed).

I don’t know how to feel.

Tell me how harsh this is, she asked already knowing, but not caring:

Yeah, men should keep their mouths shut about how attractive they think women are or aren’t. We’re called “the fairer sex” for a reason. 🖕🦜

I suddenly feel less guilty about accidentally naming a dog Mr. Pee after seeing that everyone in Thailand’s name is Pee Pee or Mr. Porn. #whitelotus

How come there are no head shops for heroin users? They just fuck up all their spoons & shit…?

TW DEPRESSiNG, BUT AT LEAST NOT POLITICS: If you were not convinced or not entirely convinced that animals are assholes, a bird will 150% eat your dog’s possibly last meal on their head while crumbing all over their head & also trying to hump their head. :/

Would somebody please do me a favor and name a pet Pewpew? Okay thank you.

Birdo de Fucko’s favorite toy (besides the dog & me) is the ceiling fan. I keep asking him to clean it, but he refuses.

I guess I’m naïve for being surprised that rappers (besides Kanye and Diddy) are actually misogynistic & money hungry when that’s pretty much their whole thing. Apparently smoking that much pot isn’t cheap, either.

🖕Snoop Dogg is dead.🖕

How long do we think before Trump says some more asinine crap about Californians needing to rake leaves. 😒

SPLURMPY

BiRDO DE FUCKO: (in cage, to themselves): Birdie, birdie
ME: Birdie, birdie
BDF: Peekaboo
ME: Peekaboo
BDF: Birdie, birdie, peekaboo
ME: Birdie, birdie, peekaboo
BDF: Birdiepoo
ME: no
BDF: PEW PEW PEW PEANUT!!!$&!

THEM: Oh, Bratlyn just graduated from The University of White Privilege with a major in Generational Wealth. We just had our family Wanksgiving in Ass-pen.
ME: …i have a bird.