Mary Oliver says "you do not have to be good." Even now, as I tell that to myself, it's terrifying. If I'm not *good*, what am I?

Joyful
Passionate
Foul mouthed
Messy
Loud
Weird
Gay

Nobody ever gave me permission to be this way. They still won't. I stopped waiting. And I won't beg for it either.

I waited my whole life for permission to be gay. Eventually I realized that no one was ever going to give it to me. No one was coming to save me. The one I'd been waiting for would never come. So I had to become them.

But I kept trying because I thought if I was good enough, someday someone would come tell me, "Congrats! You did it! You are now free to be frivolous and kiss girls." As if they would just fall into my lap.