omg

also, that booty gas is then inside of you and pumped across your veins... to stay alive... hm.... thats suspiciously gay to me

your honour i love her 🥹

anyway this is mainly to say that like. yes an expectation was there for me to move but. more than anything, my own need for someone to like see that im good and wanting their approval really informed all of this to like an extreme so this is mainly just me reflecting on how cooked my brain can be

Hi Lubna!!! hope youre doing okay 🫂❤️ im resharing and sending whatever i can!!!

my romantic and platonic relationships dont carry the weight of massive decisions over my life in a sense?? like, my entire life is not revolving around them because i have my life but the love is still there so deeply and gently and without grandiose expectations. thats been bloody niiiice

also just to say i think, knock on wood, after feeling like a walking living mess of depresso for so long. i actually probably feel the happiest ive ever felt, and the most me ive ever felt because ive been having to focus so much on me now and who i am. its been really nice. and its nice that

is insanely hard when thats all youve ever known and its still a struggle so so much. but then also knowing that the way ive got myself to seem functional is absolutely taking a toll on my body and mind. my god what a rollercoaster its all been holy shit

turns out. i love focusing in on making others "happy" (or what i assume will make them happy which isnt happy at all lol) at my own detriment. and once i didnt have anyone to please and i had to focus on me. doing things for me. not to prove that im a functional human who can look after you.

the biggest change after all that went up in smokes is the weightlessness of everything. mo more proof needed. i have been a depressed, burnt out, tired and in pain mess for about a year and a half and i could be, and it didnt matter, and it didn't have to mean something insanely big.

to get my prescription? "look!!! im so good at this! so surely ill succeed in the us!!!" is all i could frame it as, there wasn't, in my goal-oriented brain, space to just. revel in it. without it having to carry any further meaning other than you have always belonged because you decided to be here.

part of this place, met the people i consider great friends and connections and groups and initiatives, i considered proof that i can make it anywhere!! like it was all about me wanting to prove to somehow how adept i am at belonging. my pharmacist remembers me and doesnt need me to say anything

hindsight is 20/20 but living my life as it is right now i feel so much sadness thinking about past me, even though it was a decision i made and committed to. despite the horrors i love a lot of my life here. back then i loved it too but because everything was about the move, the way ive become

I AM LOOKING!! omg... the expression on your inkys face... ohhhhh

OMG I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!! look at himmmmmmm aaaaa