I was reminded that his severe PTSD and medicine could be at play and might be able to get corrected next month when he goes back to his doctor.

I’ve been talked down from no contact for the time being, but he’s on thin fucken ice and I don’t know when I’ll be calm enough to go visit him again.

MY SWEET FRIEND! 😭❤️

Yeah, we had a long conversation last night. We’re going to talk to my dad and tell him this is the last chance. And if he doesn’t do what he needs to, then that’s that. We can’t do this for him and we’ve sone all we can do.

Anyway. That’s what’s been going on with me. 😬

So what choice do I have? This is basically the last straw. If he continues down this path, our hands will be forced. He will end up in a home and it won’t be one he likes. And I’ll beat myself up forever about it because I’ve abandoned my dad.

For a while, I flirted with the idea of checking myself into some kind of recovery center just so I could get a break. But almost immediately after I had that thought, I felt like a monster. I need to be there for my husband and toddler. I can’t do that to them.

But maybe it’s the best thing for the whole family? I don’t know. This is hard. I feel like no decision I make is going to be the right one. But I can’t keep going on like this. My body and mind are at their limits. I feel one step away from shattering irreparably.

But I would honestly hate myself more if I just washed my hands of him. He doesn’t deserve what my sister and I do for him. He doesn’t appreciate it. He’s short sighted and selfish. But I could never forgive myself if something happened to him because I was too annoyed with him to intervene.

I never get a break. I don’t have time to rest and when I do, it feels like it doesn’t help. I’m so anxious and stressed all the time. And guilty because I know it all stems from this stuff with my dad. It isn’t fair, considering he wasn’t that great of a father.

I am constantly exhausted. I can’t sleep at night and I sleep too much during my off days. My teeth hurt because I can’t stop clenching my jaw. I’m not well. And it’s only getting worse. My job is not exactly great or secure right now and my toddler is toddlerinv hard core.

And I’ve also been having health problems this year— including pneumonia. I get migraines nearly every day now. And my stomach issues which have been largely under control for the past few years are no longer manageable.

I get anxiety attacks now when anyone from my dad’s side of the family contacts me because so often it’s about my dad and so often if is bad news. I basically have no sick leave left at work because I have taken off so much to deal with him.

But I recognized it was a problem and immediately called the doctor who got me in with a psychiatrist so I could correct this behavior. My dad has access to all of this and people actively encouraging him to seek help and he just won’t.

In the past, my dad was actively suicidal due to his PTSD. I think he’s passively suicidal now. Like, he doesn’t want to kill himself, but he doesn’t want to be alive either. And I get it. Hell, this year I’ve felt that myself.

His foot amputation, his frailty, his whole life situation right now could have been avoided if he’d taken his meds and gone to the doctor like he was supposed to. If he even walked around, just a little bit. If he drank water occasionally instead of sodas.

I feel so guilty, honestly. I should take care of my dad. I should want to take care of my dad. But as much as I love him, I think I’ve just been enabling his bad decisions by trying to fix the problems he’s created for himself.

If he can’t get his shit together this time, he might get kicked out of this super nice place my sister and I got him into. And he’ll have to go to a nursing home or the VA home because moving back in with me is not an option and my sister even less so.