Not only do I miss being able to draw and right but oh god I need to be able to work REALLY DIRELY. Literally the only thing I'm qualified to do is draw fetish art and I can't do that right now and aaaaaaa.
So as U can see. Stressed lately. Part of why I've been quiet.

Bleh. So that's uh. One thing that's up with me lately, amongst many other things. I don't enjoy how complicated and fraught this all is. People make all this cutting people off and being ok with letting go sound easier than it really is.

If this goes wrong I lose the only time out the house I get that isn't very rare doctors visits or grocery shopping. I'm really, REALLY lonely and isolated and my only escape is....the trips out where I have to be closeted. And on top of that I don't want to stress out my nan. I care about her.

Being closeted in large portions of my life again while also knowing the step I take to rectify that might ruin my relationship with people. And you can say 'yeah but fuck them why have a relationship if they don't respect that's but like. They're the only people I have a social life with.

And my nan is. Old. And confused. And the entire reason I haven't just blown my entire life up by coming out in one big go, because I know it will confuse and distress her and I don't. Know how long I have left with her. So I'm in a really complex and upsetting mental state of-

Stares at the little handmade doll sitting in a little handmade bed across from me in my real life room. Hey bud. Been a while since i let myself think about you as a character. Maybe we run it back one more time sometime soon...

I didn't have a good time in an adjacent community. Over the span of two times spent in it. I am much happier in my far more porn heavy space where i have far less expectation on me and nobody trying to get anything out of me. But i miss. My charactersssssssssssssssss

Hmmmmm 🔎