Bill Heil
@billheil.bsky.social
Tall guy from Berkeley
https://billheil.com
https://billheil.com
I was angry at the news, but then my phone/therapist/girlfriend recommended some breathing exercises and helped me sign up for a Chase Sapphire Reserve® Card
January 17, 2026 at 4:31 PM
I was angry at the news, but then my phone/therapist/girlfriend recommended some breathing exercises and helped me sign up for a Chase Sapphire Reserve® Card
I have startup energy (I’m burning cash)
January 16, 2026 at 3:11 PM
I have startup energy (I’m burning cash)
Aaron Rodgers' season ending with a pick-six is what the mainstream media want you to believe
January 13, 2026 at 6:57 AM
Aaron Rodgers' season ending with a pick-six is what the mainstream media want you to believe
Single-use plastics are wasteful. Which is why I own 3.5M tote bags
January 12, 2026 at 3:07 PM
Single-use plastics are wasteful. Which is why I own 3.5M tote bags
If Jerome Powell wanted to avoid federal charges he should have joined ICE
January 12, 2026 at 1:57 AM
If Jerome Powell wanted to avoid federal charges he should have joined ICE
How to turn a $20 keyboard into a $400 mechanical clacker:
1) Stop trimming your nails
1) Stop trimming your nails
January 11, 2026 at 3:10 PM
How to turn a $20 keyboard into a $400 mechanical clacker:
1) Stop trimming your nails
1) Stop trimming your nails
Excuse me in Berkeley we call it undercarriage foraging
January 8, 2026 at 3:23 PM
Excuse me in Berkeley we call it undercarriage foraging
Drinking in high school is at an all-time low. How do you even tell who's cool anymore?
January 6, 2026 at 5:13 PM
Drinking in high school is at an all-time low. How do you even tell who's cool anymore?
You can't please everyone - except your boss, your VP, legal, HR, compliance, and the new MBA who somehow has veto power
January 5, 2026 at 4:19 PM
You can't please everyone - except your boss, your VP, legal, HR, compliance, and the new MBA who somehow has veto power
My wife has too many body pillows. The last time we had sex, it took me thirty minutes to realize she was at a conference.
January 2, 2026 at 5:11 PM
My wife has too many body pillows. The last time we had sex, it took me thirty minutes to realize she was at a conference.
To everyone asking: No, I will not be attending your NYE party. I’ve always wanted to see Dick Clark host and I’m finally making it happen this year
December 31, 2025 at 3:27 PM
To everyone asking: No, I will not be attending your NYE party. I’ve always wanted to see Dick Clark host and I’m finally making it happen this year
My hope is to teach my toddler empathy before he’s strong enough to throw me down the stairs
December 29, 2025 at 4:56 PM
My hope is to teach my toddler empathy before he’s strong enough to throw me down the stairs
Listening to my friends complain about Tahoe traffic makes me miss the Donner Party
December 28, 2025 at 3:20 PM
Listening to my friends complain about Tahoe traffic makes me miss the Donner Party
I got invited to a party starting at 10pm. There's no way I'm getting up that early
December 27, 2025 at 3:40 PM
I got invited to a party starting at 10pm. There's no way I'm getting up that early
The day after Christmas in the liturgical calendar is the Installation of the Car Seat, when Joseph read the manual and wept
December 26, 2025 at 5:00 PM
The day after Christmas in the liturgical calendar is the Installation of the Car Seat, when Joseph read the manual and wept
To be fair coal in your stocking is like getting a Shell gift card
December 25, 2025 at 2:03 PM
To be fair coal in your stocking is like getting a Shell gift card
You can tell how close we are by how poorly I wrap your gift
December 24, 2025 at 6:14 AM
You can tell how close we are by how poorly I wrap your gift
I have been to 2000 toddler birthdays and I am here to request that adult birthday parties run from 10am-12pm and be more vomit-positive
December 23, 2025 at 3:31 PM
I have been to 2000 toddler birthdays and I am here to request that adult birthday parties run from 10am-12pm and be more vomit-positive
Hi, I will be unresponsive to email until Monday, January 5. Don't be fooled by my physical presence in the office, I am an empty husk. Thanks!
December 22, 2025 at 4:37 PM
Hi, I will be unresponsive to email until Monday, January 5. Don't be fooled by my physical presence in the office, I am an empty husk. Thanks!
One trick I have to survive office holiday parties is between each drink, I'll like a co-worker's photo and comment "Great seeing you!" from another bar
December 21, 2025 at 4:08 PM
One trick I have to survive office holiday parties is between each drink, I'll like a co-worker's photo and comment "Great seeing you!" from another bar
My boss calls me Voyager 1 because I never circle back
December 20, 2025 at 4:19 PM
My boss calls me Voyager 1 because I never circle back
Pediatrician: Is your toddler using any multi-word phrases yet?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?
December 19, 2025 at 5:47 PM
Pediatrician: Is your toddler using any multi-word phrases yet?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?
Me: Nuh-uh.
Me: ...
Me: What?
The Pettysburg Address
December 18, 2025 at 2:28 AM
The Pettysburg Address
Sorry I'm late, I just e-biked from Berkeley and the sidewalks were PACKED
December 17, 2025 at 3:12 PM
Sorry I'm late, I just e-biked from Berkeley and the sidewalks were PACKED
Doctor: You need a colonoscopy
Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?
Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?
December 17, 2025 at 6:40 AM
Doctor: You need a colonoscopy
Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?
Me: Can’t I just do Vanity Fair?