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The Babylon Bee
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Tim Walz Offers Journalists Free Tampons To Stop Talking About Fraud Scandal

https://babylonbee.com/news/tim-walz-offers-journalists-free-tampons-to-stop-talking-about-fraud-scandal/?utm_source=fediverse
Tim Walz Offers Journalists Free Tampons To Stop Talking About Fraud Scandal
ST. PAUL, MN — Desperate to clear his good name, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz offered to give several journalists free tampons if they would stop talking about his fraud scandal.
babylonbee.com
December 1, 2025 at 5:32 PM
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Man Longs For Good Old Days When Black Friday Shopping Was Done In Person And Everyone Feared For Their Lives

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-longs-for-good-old-days-when-black-friday-shopping-was-done-in-person-and-everyone-feared-for-their-lives/?utm_source=fediverse
Man Longs For Good Old Days When Black Friday Shopping Was Done In Person And Everyone Feared For Their Lives
BEAUMONT, TX — Local man Michael Strong looked wistfully out the window, longing for the good old days when Black Friday shopping was all in person and people feared for their very lives.
babylonbee.com
November 30, 2025 at 7:17 PM
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'Oh Lord, Bless This Food To My Body,' Says Man Eating 6 Kinds Of Leftover Pie For Breakfast

https://babylonbee.com/news/oh-lord-bless-this-food-to-my-body-says-man-eating-6-kinds-of-leftover-pie-for-breakfast/?utm_source=fediverse
'Oh Lord, Bless This Food To My Body,' Says Man Eating 6 Kinds Of Leftover Pie For Breakfast
PHILADELPHIA, PA — Local man Dan Flannigan prayed this morning for the Lord to bless to the nourishment of his body the six kinds of leftover pie he would be consuming for breakfast.
babylonbee.com
November 30, 2025 at 7:02 PM
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‘No Thanks,’ Says Hungry Homeless Man After Being Offered Marshmallow Jello Salad

https://babylonbee.com/news/no-thanks-says-hungry-homeless-man-after-being-offered-marshmallow-jello-salad/?utm_source=fediverse
‘No Thanks,’ Says Hungry Homeless Man After Being Offered Marshmallow Jello Salad
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby's offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days.
babylonbee.com
November 28, 2025 at 7:33 PM
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Turkey Pardoned By Biden Administration 4 Times Commits Violent Turkey Murder

https://babylonbee.com/news/turkey-pardoned-by-biden-administration-4-times-commits-violent-turkey-murder/?utm_source=fediverse
Turkey Pardoned By Biden Administration 4 Times Commits Violent Turkey Murder
PORTLAND, OR — A turkey that had previously been pardoned by former President Joe Biden four times was reportedly arrested in connection with a violent turkey murder.
babylonbee.com
November 28, 2025 at 7:16 PM
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Cheer Up, Libs! Here’s 10 Things Even You Can Be Thankful For This Year

https://babylonbee.com/news/cheer-up-libs-heres-10-things-even-you-can-be-thankful-for-this-year/?utm_source=fediverse
Cheer Up, Libs! Here’s 10 Things Even You Can Be Thankful For This Year
Conservatism may be the superior political ideology, but don't beat yourself up, liberals. There's still plenty to be thankful for this year.
babylonbee.com
November 27, 2025 at 5:47 PM
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Reminder: If You Leave Your Kids Home Alone This Holiday Season, Make Sure They Have Plenty Of Paint Cans, Blowtorches, And A Cutout Of Michael Jordan […]
Original post on gameliberty.club
gameliberty.club
November 27, 2025 at 4:33 PM
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Family Institutes Thanksgiving Debate Rules Allowing 2-Minute Speeches With 1-Minute Rebuttal

https://babylonbee.com/news/family-institutes-thanksgiving-debate-rules-allowing-2-minute-speeches-with-1-minute-rebuttal/?utm_source=fediverse
Family Institutes Thanksgiving Debate Rules Allowing 2-Minute Speeches With 1-Minute Rebuttal
MOULTONBOROUGH, NH — To make the most of the Thanksgiving holiday, the Richardson family reportedly instituted helpful debate rules allowing for 2-minute speeches followed by a 1-minute rebuttal.
babylonbee.com
November 27, 2025 at 3:17 PM
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Heaven Confirms People Who Prefer Ham At Thanksgiving Will Not Enter The Kingdom

https://babylonbee.com/news/heaven-confirms-people-who-prefer-ham-at-thanksgiving-will-not-enter-the-kingdom/?utm_source=fediverse
Heaven Confirms People Who Prefer Ham At Thanksgiving Will Not Enter The Kingdom
HEAVEN — Celestial sources have recently confirmed that people who prefer ham to turkey at Thanksgiving will not enter the kingdom of God.
babylonbee.com
November 26, 2025 at 8:02 PM
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Indians Politely Decline Taste Of Pilgrims' World-Famous Homemade Smallpox Casserole

https://babylonbee.com/news/indians-politely-decline-taste-of-pilgrims-world-famous-homemade-smallpox-casserole/?utm_source=fediverse
Indians Politely Decline Taste Of Pilgrims' World-Famous Homemade Smallpox Casserole
PLYMOUTH COLONY — The world's first Thanksgiving holiday reportedly ended with hurt feelings as the local natives appeared to politely decline a serving of the Pilgrims' world-famous homemade smallpox casserole.
babylonbee.com
November 26, 2025 at 6:17 PM
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‘That Ukraine-Russia Peace Deal? I Brokered It. Me!’ Marco Rubio Tells Everyone At Thanksgiving Kids' Table

https://babylonbee.com/news/that-ukraine-russia-peace-deal-i-brokered-it-me-marco-rubio-tells-everyone-at-thanksgiving-kids-table/?utm_source=fediverse
‘That Ukraine-Russia Peace Deal? I Brokered It. Me!’ Marco Rubio Tells Everyone At Thanksgiving Kids' Table
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources at the White House say that Marco Rubio spent a full hour and a half telling the other little guys at the Thanksgiving kids' table how he himself brokered the Ukraine-Russia peace deal.
babylonbee.com
November 26, 2025 at 6:02 PM
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Trump's Strategy Of Hiring Lawyers Based On Bust Size Not Working As Well As Anticipated

https://babylonbee.com/news/trumps-strategy-of-hiring-lawyers-based-on-bust-size-not-working-as-well-as-anticipated/?utm_source=fediverse
Trump's Strategy Of Hiring Lawyers Based On Bust Size Not Working As Well As Anticipated
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump's seemingly bulletproof strategy of choosing lawyers exclusively based on bust size has not worked out nearly as well as anticipated.
babylonbee.com
November 26, 2025 at 5:16 PM
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Trump Reminds Americans To Give Thanks For Him This Holiday

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-reminds-americans-to-give-thanks-for-him-this-holiday/?utm_source=fediverse
Trump Reminds Americans To Give Thanks For Him This Holiday
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thoughtful Thanksgiving address, President Trump reminded the American people to give him thanks this holiday season.
babylonbee.com
November 25, 2025 at 9:17 PM
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Mall Santa Prepares For Seasonal Gig By Cutting Off Ankle Monitor

https://babylonbee.com/news/mall-santa-prepares-for-seasonal-gig-by-cutting-off-ankle-monitor/?utm_source=fediverse
Mall Santa Prepares For Seasonal Gig By Cutting Off Ankle Monitor
BLOOMINGTON, MN — With Thanksgiving nearly here, local man Chad Erickson was reportedly eager to get back to his true passion as a mall Santa Claus and has already begun preparing for the gig by cutting off his ankle monitor.
babylonbee.com
November 25, 2025 at 9:17 PM
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Man Torn Between Learning New Board Game Or Getting PhD In Quantum Physics

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-torn-between-learning-new-board-game-or-getting-phd-in-physics/?utm_source=fediverse
Man Torn Between Learning New Board Game Or Getting PhD In Quantum Physics
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Sources close to local man Bradley Mudd say that the 28-year-old is currently torn between learning a new board game and getting his PhD in quantum physics.
babylonbee.com
November 25, 2025 at 8:02 PM
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Chicago Judge Hoping 23rd Time Is The Charm For Rehabilitating Violent Criminal

https://babylonbee.com/news/chicago-judge-hoping-23rd-time-is-the-charm-for-rehabilitating-violent-criminal/?utm_source=fediverse
Chicago Judge Hoping 23rd Time Is The Charm For Rehabilitating Violent Criminal
CHICAGO, IL — A Chicago judge ruled this week that a man previously arrested 23 times for various crimes would be totally rehabilitated if let off the hook this time around.
babylonbee.com
November 25, 2025 at 5:33 PM
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Nice Day Outdoors Drinking With The Boys Keeps Getting Interrupted By Having To Hit Little White Ball

https://babylonbee.com/news/nice-day-outdoors-drinking-with-the-boys-keeps-getting-interrupted-by-having-to-hit-little-white-ball/?utm_source=fediverse
Nice Day Outdoors Drinking With The Boys Keeps Getting Interrupted By Having To Hit Little White Ball
SAN DIEGO, CA — What had started out as a perfectly enjoyable outing with friends turned sour today, as a local man's nice day outdoors drinking with the boys kept getting interrupted by having to hit a little white ball.
babylonbee.com
November 25, 2025 at 5:02 PM
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Jesus Heals Demon-Possessed Man By Taking Away His Smartphone

https://babylonbee.com/news/jesus-heals-demon-possessed-man-by-taking-away-his-smartphone/?utm_source=fediverse
Jesus Heals Demon-Possessed Man By Taking Away His Smartphone
CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone.
babylonbee.com
November 24, 2025 at 10:48 PM
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Wife Sad As She Realizes Husband Will Never Look At Her Like He Looks At A Cool Suspension Bridge

https://babylonbee.com/news/wife-sad-as-she-realizes-husband-will-never-look-at-her-like-he-looks-at-a-cool-suspension-bridge/?utm_source=fediverse
Wife Sad As She Realizes Husband Will Never Look At Her Like He Looks At A Cool Suspension Bridge
CASTRO MARIM, PORTUGAL — According to sources, American tourist Debrah Thompson's mood soured Monday after seeing her husband gaze in wonderment at the Guadiana International Bridge, knowing in her heart that he would never look at her like she was a cool suspension bridge.
babylonbee.com
November 24, 2025 at 10:33 PM
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10 More Groups Trump Is Designating As Terrorist Organizations

https://babylonbee.com/news/10-more-groups-trump-is-designating-as-terrorist-organizations/?utm_source=fediverse
10 More Groups Trump Is Designating As Terrorist Organizations
The Muslim Brotherhood was officially designated a terrorist organization by the Trump administration, but they weren't the only ones.
babylonbee.com
November 24, 2025 at 9:16 PM
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Shire Doctors Link High Cancer Rate To Use Of Pipeweed

https://babylonbee.com/news/shire-doctors-link-high-cancer-rate-to-use-of-pipeweed/?utm_source=fediverse
Shire Doctors Link High Cancer Rate To Use Of Pipeweed
MICHEL DELVING — According to the Gaffer, medical professionals published a paper linking the high rate of cancer among Hobbits to the smoking of pipeweed, a correlation he called "queer."
babylonbee.com
November 24, 2025 at 8:03 PM
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Chicago Kicks Off Holiday Season By Unveiling Festive Red And Green Crime-Scene Tape

https://babylonbee.com/news/chicago-kicks-off-holiday-season-by-unveiling-festive-red-and-green-crime-scene-tape/?utm_source=fediverse
Chicago Kicks Off Holiday Season By Unveiling Festive Red And Green Crime-Scene Tape
CHICAGO, IL — Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape.
babylonbee.com
November 24, 2025 at 7:31 PM
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Suspicions Raised As Wormtongue's X Account Reveals He's Based In Isengard

https://babylonbee.com/news/suspicions-raised-as-wormtongues-x-account-reveals-hes-based-in-isengard/?utm_source=fediverse
Suspicions Raised As Wormtongue's X Account Reveals He's Based In Isengard
Suspicions were raised around the internet as Wormtongue's X account was revealed to have been created in Isengard.
babylonbee.com
November 24, 2025 at 6:47 PM
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Trump To Execute All Turkeys Pardoned By Biden's Autopen

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-to-execute-all-turkeys-pardoned-by-bidens-autopen/?utm_source=fediverse
Trump To Execute All Turkeys Pardoned By Biden's Autopen
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Anguished gobbles were heard throughout the Beltway this morning, after news broke that President Donald Trump would be executing all the turkeys pardoned by former President Joe Biden's autopen.
babylonbee.com
November 24, 2025 at 6:32 PM
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Senior Pastor Installs 'Heresy Gong' For When Associate Pastor Preaches

https://babylonbee.com/news/pastor-installs-heresy-gong-for-when-associate-pastor-preaches/?utm_source=fediverse
Senior Pastor Installs 'Heresy Gong' For When Associate Pastor Preaches
AMARILLO, TX — Local pastor Robbie Ashlock has installed a "Heresy Gong" in the sanctuary for whenever the associate pastor is up to preach.
babylonbee.com
November 23, 2025 at 9:46 PM