Ended up going to walmart as it was cheaper there but oof the crowd was bad. Still need like 40 more pounds to get it back above the minimal needed but weh. Semi home ownership is a lot.

I'm so blinded by the timer in front of my eyes that only I can see. the clock that is now hard counting down, showing me the point in time where I can't help and lose everything. My failure expiration that I could escape or at least delay that I can't seem to logic any more.

But to get to the initial point, I feel horrible. I've not done more who have suffered loss like this whom are my friends or connections. How can I when it's such a vast and unique experience to hang over my soul? The failure of respect for others suffering, mourning, and surviving.

And now after taking up the responsibilities that he walked with, just to make sure we have a functional house, care for my aged and ill mom. And to figure out what to do with his stuff... I'm just left lost and confused and haunted. It's changing me in ways I don't know how to address.

I could give everything to friends and others. I'd let people walk over and abuse me. To use me and toss me aside. And yet, I was never good enough for my dad. I failed at being 100% in his vision. He would voice this to me both directly and indirectly. Use me as his all purpose therapist.

Even today I still combat the feelings and worries I have in respect to my dad. I'm just... surviving when I should have surpassed and followed in his foot steps. That I was not just a mirror of his elements physically, but socially and scholarly. But worse off... I could never do enough.

I've always lived in the shadow of how I was raised. Be overly kind to those around me, give all to others first. but my family life growing up was twisted. I was never enough. I was a sort of failed first attempt. I could not live up to how my parents raised me. I was not their nest egg.

It was only in a movie theater but it was amazing seeing it on the big screen.

Big Hugs, hope he's able to get well enough to be out of icu soon.