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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official
@waltertpanda.bsky.social
6 followers 3 following 150 posts
My witch of an ex wife took everything but my salsa recipe. I was born again in an Everybody's grocery store produce section, then my dad disowned me.
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 4d
Anyone know how I can toggle the ethereal humming on this damn JitterBug?
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 5d
My AI toilet cam noticed ingredients from another AI's recipe in my stool and broke up with me. I guess I'm single again! fml
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 5d
I was always told that both my parents died in child birth but could never get any details about how it happened.
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 5d
I had custom spinning crucifix rims on my car, but The Savior rested upside down at every stop sign and I got sick of being smote.
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 11d
I wish Antifa was real. A rogue faction of woke eco terrorists fighting for freedom from oppression and tech fascism sounds so romantic! Imagine if we kissed by the light of a flaming rag in a bottle in front of an AI data center. 🥰
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 13d
"I have a killer hand" is something you can say if you're either really good at cards or have a possessed body part.
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 15d
I got a Nobel Peace prize for not flushing antibacterial wipes. It turns out they'll give them to anyone who isn't Donald trump! You just have to ask!
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 23d
Walking into the living room after a yellow jacket infestation like, "I'm a federal agent!"
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · 26d
Walking around town in my new Gouis Vuitton slippers. Y'all can't touch my drip! For real though, my slime trail is highly toxic.
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 25
I've been leaving little piles of clothing all around town to convince my neighbors that everyone else got raptured.
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 25
Popeye eating a whole 'can' of Tylenol and getting hella autistic.
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 25
When Tylenol is outlawed, only outlaws will have Tylenol.
An altered meme of the classic SNL but showing Christopher Walken saying he has a fever and the only prescription is more autism.
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 23
If Hollywood is to be believed, #autism gives everyone a superpower, so I've been slamming #Tylenol by the fist full until it's banned. I hope I get the power of a strong urge to repeat any words people say wrong right back to them so they feel like I'm mocking them. Oh, wait...
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 23
At the conventions I go to, you have to specify between #Unix and eunuchs.
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 21
Denial's not just a river in Egypt, it's where I lost my keys. I tried to dredge them out with a magnet, but all I fish out are murder weapons. This has to be another curse!
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 20
I love being at a metal concert and watching security gently receive crowd surfers and deliver them to the ground like a newborn calf.
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 19
I just saw Mickey's dick and it has the ears!
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 16
Imagine Marty McFly rolling up to a 50s prom with a Delorian frunk full of fentanyl. "You guys aren't ready for this, but your grandkids are gonna love it."
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waltertpanda.bsky.social
Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 11
RIP to Charlie 'Gushers Lollipop' Kirk. That nickname makes so much more sense now.
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Sep 5
Not to brag, but I have an 84% accuracy in matching a poop to a butthole.
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Aug 26
My finances are so good right now. My accountant just called while he was shredding some papers and said that all my bills are 'outstanding'! Now I just have to get my ex-wife to stop charging me double alimony on holidays. #HouseMoney
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Aug 23
Some bands make concept albums, but #Deftones have a concept career. Thanks for another masterpiece about fucking, Chino!
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Aug 10
Doctor: I'm sorry, sir, but you have a brain tumor. We believe it spread from your optic nerve into your brain.

Me under my breath: From the window to the walls...
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Aug 10
Not to yum your yuck, but if you like zombie ass, #28YearsLater is right up your back alley. More like 28 Cakes Later! 4/5
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Walter T Panda - Official @waltertpanda.bsky.social · Aug 10
In my day, we used to refer to #ShitPosting as dimlighting. We didn't even have a name for when you drop the act, now you kids are all out there Edging the Prestige.
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