Well, my brain has stopped working at this point.
Hopefully I connect the circle somehow; this cycle has been going on in my head for a while.

Or maybe I'll just end up deleting everything. Maybe I'll never post here again. Who knows.

Maybe the reason why I do not understand why others compare themselves to others is because for such a long time I did not have a finite feeling of who "I" was. I kind of know what consists of "me", and now feel resonance to certain personality traits and features that feel authentic to "myself".

Or maybe I am the issue? Am I stopping myself from enriching relationships and friendships because of this toxin of an ego that is a result from all of my previously dysfunctional ones? Is who I am just cursed to be poison, yearning to infect others with my same grossness? A personal echo-chamber?

I have become more aware of myself and my patterns over the years, coming more into them through times of high stress and intense conflict after years of stagnation. Is my frustration with my surroundings a result of that part of me continuing to be active? Or is it because I have outgrown them?

No matter how rancid or gross another person felt, I took deep pride in sacrificing myself and my health–my worth, my energy, my childhood and adolescence–for years.

I fear a part of that self-destructive martyr complex I once held close has still stuck onto me and began to fester. Am I rancid?

Mistakes always play a larger role, and bring in the complex lens of forgiveness. I have to practice not forgiving those who have scarred me and violated me on a daily basis, to not sympathize with the trauma they've endured that they've all shared with me. I used to pride myself on comforting them.

I know the worth and intention of my words, my time, my actions. Yet I conveniently have ignored when others shared that understanding; another variable to the perception of the self that nobody can account for. Will others favor or disfavor you in the long run? After a first impression?

Of course, I didn't want anyone to care about me except for the few people who I did. Those people, I threw the responsibility of my emotional stability onto with the payment of my company and my time. I meddled into their lives like I let them control mine; "my time is valuable and a luxury."

If not from biting my cheeks until they were bloody, I was killing myself with how much stress I was putting on my body. I was a black hole, consuming everything, the energy of everyone around me. I wanted to disappear into nothing. I wanted to be nothing. I didn't want anyone to care about me.

I didn't know I had a pill problem when I was 15. I remembered I liked medical shows. I didn't know I was developing an alcohol problem at 16. I remembered I was in a friend group where I ended up getting groomed and abandoned again. I didn't know I had been actively self harming between 14 and 20.

If I had no pull to those forms of self harm, it became drugs. I'd push my body to limits I didn't feel comfortable in. I never actively purged unless my body was in pain from how much I'd consume. I knew how I'd frequently see myself and it pushed me further into the hole I dug. I sought it out.

If it wasn't media, it was food. If food wasn't an option, it was harming myself in other ways (unhealthy individuals, usually in the form of sexual encounters or plainly submitting myself to things I disliked/had no interest in). I let myself be defined by others for so long. I let myself get used.

I had the unfortunate luck to grow up with emotional neglect, and I never realized I've been coping for decades; I've always turned to forms of media to escape and indulge in when I didn't want to be alive, plain and simple. I'd adapt patterns of characters I projected onto myself to get through it.

Social skills are built typically through the family one grows up with. Family does not necessarily mean blood relation, it can mean a lot of things; Friends, Treasured media, Songs, Teachers, the list goes on. Awful individuals can be included in this too, because with neglect anything can happen.

Some people are fortunate to be born into a family situation that had a plan for them; a proper amount of attention and time to help formulate the skills to navigate the world around them, a strong support group to help guide the child to have the awareness to what goes on around them, among others.

You'll always view yourself a certain way, with an amalgamation of experiences and emotions. You will always take into account your past judgements without labeling them as bias, chalking them up to a "truth of life" or something adjacent. We take what we learn and apply it to the world; it's fact.

I would hate to think that I could be perceived as something other than what I "am". Unfortunately, that is something that is unavoidable wherever you go, no matter who you are. In fact, nobody can truly know the real "you", no matter how hard you try to convince others (or yourself) that they can.

𝒯𝒲: 𝒰𝓃𝒸𝑒𝓃𝓈𝑜𝓇𝑒𝒹 𝓋𝑒𝓃𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 + 𝒹𝑒𝓈𝒸𝓇𝒾𝓅𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃𝓈 𝑜𝒻 𝓌𝑜𝑒𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝓇𝓎.

ℙ𝕣𝕠𝕗𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕘𝕟𝕠𝕤𝕖𝕕 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝔸𝔻ℍ𝔻, ℂ-ℙ𝕋𝕊𝔻, 𝕊𝕦𝕓𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖 𝕌𝕤𝕖 𝔻𝕚𝕤𝕠𝕣𝕕𝕖𝕣, 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕄𝔻𝔻. 𝕆𝕔𝕔𝕒𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕖𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕖𝕤 𝕕𝕖𝕝𝕦𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕤.

𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕚𝕤 𝟙𝟠+. ℙ𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕤𝕖 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕕 𝕒𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕠𝕨𝕟 𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕔𝕣𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟.