Lightnews — Scholar-powered news

The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 5h

“I honestly thought I’d be inundated,” the PM said at a press conference today, staring at his phone’s empty notifications screen. “Not even a scam text pretending to be Australia Post”.

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Albo Yet to Receive Single Phone Call After Number Leaked Online — The Shovel

“Not even a scam text pretending to be Australia Post”.

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 15h

“It really is good that the hostages are free, because in a way I was also a hostage. To societal expectations," said a 27-year-old full-time Letterboxd reviewer from Glen Iris, who truly understood the scope of the situation.

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Gaza Peace Deal Ushers In New Era of Scrolling Past News About Middle East — The Shovel

After over two years of horror, trauma, and being held captive by forces that didn’t care about his well-being, one man has finally been able to celebrate the return of his freedom to scroll past stor...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 3d

Trump said he planned to take over control of the Scandinavian nation, describing his actions as “a beautiful, very peaceful liberation mission”.

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Trump Storms Norway Capital, in Attempt To Prove He Deserved Nobel Peace Prize — The Shovel

“Nobody’s done peace like I’ve done peace. Some say I’ve done too much peace"

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 4d

“Right now I’m not reading Jane Austen. But last year I was really into almost reading George Orwell. He’s got such great book covers," the Fitzroy man shared, unprompted.

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Man Brings Book to Bed So It Can Sit Next to Him While He Looks at Phone — The Shovel

Self-described ‘book lover’ Jeremy Randle took a novel with him to bed last night, so it could sit on his bedside table while he scrolled through his phone for 2.5 hours.

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 7d

The AI has already started making its presence felt on the executive team, sending out a 500-word email about “leveraging holistic verticals for client-centric uplift” that no one has fully read but everyone agreed “sounded important.”

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AI That Generated Fabricated Deloitte Report Promoted to Partner — The Shovel

Deloitte has promoted the artificial intelligence system responsible for fabricating a government report, citing “unparalleled efficiency, strategic vision, and the ability to work weekends without co...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 7d

Asked whether the policy risked weakening the party’s credibility, Ley said, “Oh no, that ship sailed a long time ago.”

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Sussan Ley Announces New ‘Bring a Mate’ Promotion to Boost Front Bench Numbers — The Shovel

“If you know someone who even vaguely believes in trickle down economics and has ties to the over 70s demographic, bring them along!”

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 11d

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 13d

“I don’t mind giving a tip at all,” one Sydney resident said. “My tip? Don’t push bullshit American practices on Australians."

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New ‘This Is Australia, Dickhead’ Option Added To Tip Screen — The Shovel

“When I go into pick up my takeaway pizza, it’s nice to know I have the choice to add a little extra … context about what country we’re in"

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 14d

“I’d like to thank all the people who started those wars. Without you, this wouldn't have been possible,” he was heard rehearsing.

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Trump Caught Rehearsing Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech in Bathroom — The Shovel

Nobel Prize desperado, Donald Trump, has been caught in the White House bathroom rehearsing an acceptance speech in front of the mirror. After another successful announcement of a “war-ending deal” be...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 17d

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 17d

“I don’t know why none of my stuff was hitting, I usually kill! Like seriously, I leave a room absolutely destroyed once I’m done,” Netanyahu said in the green room after his failed set.

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Netanyahu Discovers Bombing He Doesn’t Enjoy — The Shovel

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has undergone a crisis of identity after recently discovering that there is a type of bombing out there that he doesn’t like. While speaking at a United Natio...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 18d

Friends and family said it was out of character for her to go anywhere without the best part of two kilograms of water. “It must have just been a tragic mistake,” one friend said.

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Darlinghurst Woman Dies After Leaving Home Without 1.8L Bottle of Water — The Shovel

A twenty-eight-year-old Sydney woman has died after going eleven minutes without water.

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 19d

“I did not sacrifice the dignity of myself or my fellow Australians by oranging a meeting with Trump,” said the bronzed-up Albanese.

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 20d

In an announcement alongside Secretary for Vaccine Conspiracies, Robert F Kennedy Jr, the President declared that Tylenol must be avoided at all costs, unless you had a major headache after a big night getting golden showers from Stormy Daniels.

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“Don’t Use Tylenol While Pregnant,” Says Man Who Used Porn Star While Wife Was Pregnant — The Shovel

Donald Trump, a man who infamously had an affair with a porn star during his wife’s second trimester, has taken a break from his presidential duties axing late-night shows, to tell people what to do d...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 21d

“Panadol Rapid has been proven to give autism twice as fast as regular Panadol,” warned Robert Kennedy Jr.

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White House Announce Panadol Rapid is Linked to Stronger, Faster Acting Autism — The Shovel

A new finding unveiled by the Secretary of Health and the US President has informed Americans that taking Panadol Rapid during a pregnancy can lead to faster, stronger, and longer-lasting autism “Pan...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 21d

Since the change, education standards in Victoria have lifted dramatically, with over three-thirds of students now ranking in the top 80th percentile.

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Vic Govt Fires Exam Chief, Says He Should of Done More Better — The Shovel

Following an investigation into student VCE failures across the state, the Victorian Government has fired the head of the exam authority on the grounds “he should of did more better”. Last year an rev...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 22d

“I will find whoever did this, and I will make sure you aren’t allowed to host a late-night show for the rest of your sorry life.”

theshovel.com.au/2025/09/22/t...

Trump Delivers Touching Eulogy for the First Amendment — The Shovel

US President Donald Trump has been brought to tears today while delivering a eulogy for his long-time friend, the First Amendment, who recently passed away under mysterious circumstances. At a funeral...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 22d

In a statement released to the media, Optus has provided an update on the netw

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Optus has a released a statement about the current outa — The Shovel

Optus CEO Kelly Bayer Rosmarin has provided an update on the netw … r the main priori . the main priorit .. the main prio sh . […]

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 25d

“When I was a kid my dream was always to follow in Usain Bolt’s footsteps. If I could achieve even half of what he did for the Mariners, then I would be happy," said Gout Gout.

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 26d

The US President said that if it weren't for the fact the national broadcaster aired the Vice President's favourite show, Bluey, then he would have cut the ABC's budget entirely.

theshovel.com.au/2025/09/18/t...

Trump Applauds ABC for Axing Kimmel, Tells Them To Sack That Pesky Four Corners Guy Next — The Shovel

Free speech warrior Donald Trump has commended the ABC for silencing comedian Jimmy Kimmel, and has encouraged the network to also fire their reporter John Lyons, who had the audacity to ask him quest...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 28d

“Of course I support the current direction of the Coalition. I love it so much I got Sussan this cake for lunch today,” said MP Andrew Hastie. “Just let me duck to the kitchen to find the perfect knife.”

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Coalition Celebrates 4 Months of Almost Having Faith in Female Leader, Beating Old Record by 4 Months — The Shovel

Their polls may be down but the spirits are high today in the shadow ministry, after the Coalition hit a milestone by going for almost four whole months without abandoning faith in their female leader...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · 29d

“If these journalists actually wanted us to draw attention to them, then maybe they would get killed in a way that helps me spread hatred against a minority," said a reporter for news.com.au.

theshovel.com.au/2025/09/15/a...

Australian Media Continues Its Wall-to-Wall Coverage of Absolutely None of the 200+ Journalists Killed in Palestine — The Shovel

In the wake of recent events, media outlets across Australia have taken a stand against political violence by turning a light to diddly squat about the 242 journalists killed in Palestine. After the ...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · Sep 10

The Senator has begun campaigning for a referendum on the matter, which she says will reconcile the historic injustice she faced in being sacked.

theshovel.com.au/2025/09/11/j...

Jacinta Price Wishes There Was Some Mechanism for Her To Have a Voice in Parliament — The Shovel

After Opposition leader Sussan Ley voted ‘No’ to her remaining in the shadow cabinet, Jacinta Nampijinpa Price has been left wishing there was some way she could have a voice about what happens in Par...

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · Sep 10

Price has applied for asylum status and is now seeking refuge with Clive Palmer's next party.

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Jacinta Price Migrates out of Shadow Ministry — The Shovel

Liberal Senator Jacinta Nampijinpa Price has expressed her condolences toward immigrant communities, after she was forcefully migrated out of the shadow ministry.

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The Shovel @theshovel.bsky.social · Sep 10

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