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第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 5m

exhaustion.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 5m

the realistic portion of my mind sensed the artificiality in the eternal protestations with which I persuaded myself that I was in love with her, and it fought back with this spiteful fatigue. there seemed to be some terrible poison in this mental

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第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 22m

was not such beauty as his a thing destined for death?

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 35m

what more could I have done when I did not know that to love is both to seek and to be sought? for me love was nothing but a dialogue of little riddles, with no answers given.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 43m

seeing is the antithesis to existing.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 1h

to put it in a rather vulgar way, I had been dreaming about love in the firm belief that I could not be loved.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 1h

it seemed that hell could appear day or night, at any time, at any place, simply in response to one’s own thoughts or wishes. it seemed that we could summon it at our own pleasure and that instantly, it would appear.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 1h

I have never seen a child with such an unaccountable expression.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 1h

his muscular arms, the arms of a praetorian guard accustomed to bending of bow and wielding of sword, are raised at a graceful angle, and his bound wrists are crossed directly over his head.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 1h

they would look distastefully at the pallid face of that unchildlike child.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 1h

did so with no consideration whatsoever. I do not know whether or not this was because I wanted to understand myself. such a motive is in accord with a person’s real character and comes to automatically form a bridge between himself and others.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 1h

the fact of not being understood by others had been my sole source of pride since my early youth, and I had not the slightest impulse to express myself in such a way that I might be understood. when I did try to clarify my thoughts and actions, I

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第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 2h

of them a single, blue speck of an idea?

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 2h

and did the heavens abet the plan to punish me? for not believing in myself or for believing too much; too eager to know where my allegiance lay or vainly assuming that already I knew all; for wanting to fly off, to the unknown or the known; both

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第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 2h

unable as I was to feel the least particle of confidence in my ability to speak and act like a human being, I kept my solitary agonies locked in my breast. I kept my melancholy and my agitation hidden, careful lest any trace should be left exposed.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 2h

is he really a samurai? in his own mind, anyway.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 3h

knowledge is the sea of humanity, the field of humanity, the general condition of human existence.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 3h

" but I've made up my mind. "
" you say that because you don't realize what it means. but then the day for volunteering has already passed. so there's nothing to do about it now. it's your destiny. “

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 3h

dazzled perhaps, by the dizzy incandescence of waxen wings.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 3h

my heart had never before been swayed, and at first glance, by such a deep and unexplainable grief, a grief moreover that was no part of my masquerade.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 4h

consciousness.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 4h

they could be their natural selves, whereas I was to play a part, a fact that would require considerable understanding and study. so it was not my maturity but my sense of uneasiness, my uncertainty, that was forcing me to gain control over my

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第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 4h

was a debasement more evil than that of any normal kind of love. Indeed, of all the kinds of decay in this world, decadent purity is the most malignant.

第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 4h

could this have been love? grant it to be one form of love, for even though at first glance it seemed to retain its pristine form forever, simply repeating that form over and over again, it too had its own unique sort of debasement and decay. and it

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第一の手記. @talesofmacabre.bsky.social · 4h

longing at eighteen for an early demise, I felt myself unfitted for it. I lacked, in short, the muscles suitable for a dramatic death. and it deeply offended my romantic pride that it should be this unsuitability that had permitted me to survive the war.