Why does it give me such big feelings when people say “I know you are overwhelmed” especially if I’m not?

Today is a weird day
In some ways its like it never happened. In others its like she only existed in my mind. My memories before and after today are filled w/her.
Today
There is nothing
No posts
No acknowledgment
Almost like any other day
But not
3 yrs since her last breath
I’ve never been the same

There is something kind of terrible about writing a memorial service that you have to do on the same weekend as the anniversary of the death of your soulmate…who never had a “proper” service.

My 33 friends here on Bluesky, what are we binge watching these days?

This was a good (and hopeful) read filled with some fantastic resources

www.lifeisasacredtext.com/organize/

I don’t like to interact with strangers.

Today I laughed with strangers about birth control and determined babies. Then I sat with a stranger while tears of sadness and fear rolled down her face.

All because we were coming together to support abortions and immigrants.

The small things matter. You don’t have to change the world just focus on the small things.

On Election Day I felt… nothing. It was very much —this is America and I’m not surprised— vibes.

Today wrecked me.
I don’t know what to do or what to say. Words don’t feel enough. Actions feel…performative? Pointless?
I feel so…overwhelmed.

Tomorrow I’ll have to figure some shit out.

Follow up:
Went to the doc today & talked about getting a sleep test done. I just laughed half way through and said this is like the mental health survey when I look around and say “it’s normal to always be this tired. Right? Everyone is always this tired.” lol. I appreciate her laughing along w/me

Filled out the mental health survey for an upcoming dr appt. I always* chuckle when I do them because I just want to write “lol. Mildly depressed is just my norm. Isn’t it true for everyone? Lol” **looks around awkwardly**

*there are times my depression has been terrible and then I don’t chuckle

I’ve been rewatching Bones. It’s a show H & I watched many times separately. We would text when one of us was watching and this or that happened. She got the name for her first kid from the show.
There is something beautifully tragic that I end my rewatch on the last day we video chatted.

Two things can be true at the same time. Everything is so good and everything is crumbling. Figuring out how to balance the two is the tricky part.

I decided I wanted an ofrenda for Dia de los Muertos this year. As I work to (re)connect with all of my ancestors and culture this is something I’ve thought about for a while.

I hope to go get a few more things tomorrow including a few more pics of loved ones but I’m proud of what I have so far.

Occasionally I think I’m terrible at my job (low key I SUCK at consistent pastoral care and this is the start of my spiral)
Then I have to do my very late report for the council and I realize oh shit- I AM good at my job.

Watching Practical Magic by myself tonight.
Candles and incense lit.
Wine poured.
Comfy clothes on.

I feel like I’m setting myself up for heartache but I also feel deeply this is what my heart needs.

Dear anxiety,
I understand you are going to show up sometimes but can you show up at times I’m already awake instead of 3 or 4 in the am and so work focused that I have to get up and work or else?
Much love,
Me

Poured an appropriately sized glass of wine after a 11.5 hr day and this stupid lingering COVID cough decides it HATES wine and will not stop unless I switch to water only. So that’s cool.

I hate learning new things.