Author | Lightnews

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Looking to the camera again]
Ahem - we're getting our contestants back! It'll be worth it. They're coming up any moment now!

[Walking away - yelling off-camera]
Will SOMEBODY go to commercial?!

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Carl]
Guys, we're still on the air.

[Regis, looking at a camera]
Oh. Well, uh, you know what? Every now and then, there's a little hiccup! A tiny one!

[Donald, in the background]
Where are the contestants?? WHO LET THEM GET AWAY??

[Regis, turning back to Donald]
Will you STOP?!

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Donald]
WHAT IS GOING ON?? Stop those people! Don't let them leave! They've gotta be held responsible!

[Regis]
For what, singing?!

[Donald]
For… give me a second… for making me look bad!

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Regis]
What is THAT?

[Donald]
What are you DOING? You are ruining my show here!

[Regis]
I got nothin' to do with this! Who's runnin' the sound??

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Donald]
Excuse me! Excuse me! My fans will support me no matter what I do. Seriously, I could shoot a film in the middle of a busy intersection, and I wouldn't even get a ticket!

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Carl]
Uh, Donald we're running out of time here, and you haven't asked the first question yet. We've only got until the end of the hour.

[Donald]
Well, then I would suggest that all my fans start calling the station and demand that I get my fair time!

[Carl]
Uh, that is not gonna help -

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Donald]
…and they still haven't come up with enough evidence that if I were the DA, I would indict myself!

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

Okay, you got it! What do you have in mind?

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

Wow, uh … yeah, I mean, I wasn't really into this internship, anyway, so if I know you could help me out -

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

Uh - well, I was told not to let anyone in, but -

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Intern, turning around]
Uh, yeah, but nobody's allowed to - whoa, Jack Paper from @ccstickman.bsky.social's show! I love your work, man!

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Donald Brydge]
Well, before I begin, I have to say how unfair it is that we even need a special like this! I've been the most prosecuted person in the history of TV!

[Regis]
Hold on, prosecuted or persecuted?

[Donald]
Uh… I think both. Anyway, that's not important! When I think of all the times…

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

Okay, so Don, now it's up to you to ask five questions of each contestant, and after that, you get to decide who stays for the next round, and who gets to go home without security detail!

[Paid-off audience members laugh]

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

['Rat', hesitating, in a high-pitched voice]
Can I phone a friend?

[Audience laughs]

[Regis]
Nah, this ain't my other show, no calling friends or lawyers!

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

['Stool pigeon', in a warped voice]
You don't scare me, 'cause I got the truth on my side. I got nothin' else to say.

[Crowd oohs]

[Regis]
Oh, a tough guy, huh? This bird still wants to sing? Yeah, we'll see how long THAT lasts.

Now we got Contestant #2. Same thing: what'cha gotta say?

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

So! One of you guys thought makin' plans to see the DA wasn't gonna affect ya, huh? Well, I'm gonna give ya both a chance to tell your side of the story! So, stool pigeon, what'cha gotta say?

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Paid-off audience members]
Boo!!

[Regis, sighing]
Much better. Anyway, bring 'em out!

[Ominous music plays]

[Paid-off audience members continue booing]

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Regis]
Uh, right. Okay, so we begin with our first two contestants! Please welcome the Rat… and the Stool Pigeon!

[Paid-off audience members, confused]
Oob! … Oob?

[Carl]
Um, cue-card holder, I think you got that sign upside-down.

[Cue-cared holder]
Huh? [Checks card] Oh, right! How's this?

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Donald]
Well, I think that's very unfair, and I expect to get my bribes back later this -

[Regis]
AHEM! You mean, your, uh, donations, correct?

[Donald]
My - yes, that's what I said. I didn't say anything else. And I will take action if anyone says I did!

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Subdued cheers as Donald walks out]

[Donald Brydge]
Excuse me! Excuse me! That was not the intro I paid for. We have to do this again. Can we go back, please?

[Carl, quietly]
Uh, Donald… ahem, this is live, and we only get an hour here.

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

Now, let's bring out the man of the hour, Mr. Donald Brydge!

[Subdued cheers as Donald walks out]

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Regis Soprano]
Hey, how YOU doin'! Welcome to what may be the biggest event in SafeRadio history!

Tonight we are gonna see if Donald Brydge can figure out the difference between friend and foe, just by hearing the voice!

[Cheers]

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

And now your host for the evening, the man you know from such shows as "Who Wants To Pay Off Their Mob Debts": Mr. Regis Soprano!

[More cheers and techno music]

Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 29

[Carl Tuxon]
From the new SafeRadio Theater in Big City… it's the face-off without faces! We present to you our live special "The Masked Informant"!

[Techno music plays, crowd cheers]

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Safe Media Network @saferadio.bsky.social · Nov 28

[Executive walking in]
Okay, that's enough. I'll take the phone, thank you. You can turn in your badge and leave through the back door.

[Intern, tossing the phone to the executive]
No problem, I've got a job lined up with @onlyontheqd.bsky.social, anyway.